Burnout/low function due to LACK of sociable times...

[SociableAutist]

Hi. Posting because I'm wondering if I'm the only one like this, and hoping for any possible advice/thoughts/words of wisdom! I'm a late diagnosed female in my 30s.

The basic issue I'm facing is that I need a certain amount of sociable times, laughter, nice/interesting times (especially in nature), and genuine connection, in order to function anywhere near my best. It is not within my control to arrange this, so I am really struggling.

I do actually also need a certain amount of time alone or to process things, it's just that I get this easily (I live alone, no DC yet).

I'm currently signed off work after autistic burnout. It was definitely burnout to start with and I couldn't really do anything or talk to anyone, let alone socialise. However, I have been pondering where burnout and depression cross over. Now, it could be/looks like I'm depressed. I don't think I am, I think I'm unhappy due to circumstances, chiefly the lack of sociable/nice times/connection as mentioned above.

I think this actually caused me to burnout, as various social plans for this year didn't work out and other things like that. I felt I was running on empty without these things to look forward to and enjoy. And if my social life suddenly became amazing overnight I'd be back to my most capable self within a week. I am energised by (the right amount and right sort of) socialising, nature, meaningful relationships, and laughter (probably above all!). (Have figured this out over years, with varying amounts/types of socialising and relationships at different points.) Not having these things (even at a level others may take for granted eg. having a partner) feels like something that saps my mental energy. A drain on my overall system and thus my ability to function. It feels exhausting jollying myself along and being positive and productive alone. This is also where it falls apart with positive CBT type thinking, where I'd probably be encouraged to engage in positive activities alone and reframe my situation - I do this all the time and I'm exhausted from it!

I actually recently spent a day at the beach with people I get on well with, and by the end of the day I felt almost spiritually peaceful and content. It wasn't a wild sociable day or particularly hilarious, all very low key, kids with us etc. Such a normal thing can make me feel so much better (effect wore off gradually over several days).

My main problem is that this means I'm not self-reliant, in a sense. I am far more capable when I have my social needs met. This is worrying, because although it's probably normal to need those things, I'm worried that I built my life up whilst I had them, and now this time off work is a permanent loss of function as my "scaffolding" has been taken away. (I didn't work for many years prior to this job.)

Another issue is that it creates some awkward weird situations. For example, I was invited at short notice to go away for a weekend, which was just the sort of thing I needed to help me mentally pick up a bit. I'd already had a day off work because I was beginning to crumble. But I had to go to work that weekend, so couldn't go away. Obviously if I'd taken the day off sick and then gone on a trip, I would look like an absolute piss taker! And yet logically, for my mental health and functioning, that would have actually been the most helpful thing to do.

I don't know. I feel like such a weirdo, as if I straddle the line between neurotypical and autistic!

Oh I am the same OP!
I am defiantly sociable autism and love being out and about (in familiar places with familiar peoples of course!)

I am also alone 100% of the time no family or anything so unless I make my own self go out to the gym etc I would no see no one. I am MUCH better for social connection for sure and being outside also

Defiantly means definitely

I’m the same. I love my own company but when I get too much of it, it affects my mental health.

I like to socialise but on my terms and with people who I feel 100% comfortable with - mainly family. I love to chill but then also need to have things planned to look forward to.

I guess it helps me feel less lonely and more normal?

I think NT people will feel the same though. Everyone needs connection.

Maybe start by doing more things that are in your control? Like getting out in the countryside for walks? This will prob alt help your mental health and give you a pick up/energy for maybe more social interaction?

Also who is completely self reliant? Most if not all people need various different things in their life to be their best self.

Well I'd agree with this. But its horrible when you can't actually access what you need to be even half your best self, for years and years.

Thanks for the replies. I'm glad it's not just me.

Much of your post resonates with me op. I am in a bit of a grey area in terms of having had a screening assessment which put me borderline for going forward to have a more in-depth assessment. However, I also have other issues going on.

But yes, essentially the outdoors/nature and humour are both tonics and I always feel better after a bit of human company (I don't work) but there again I feel drained if I have too much.

Have you thought about joining any outdoor type groups - walking, cycling or conservation volunteer? Interesting when you say the right type of socialising - what is this for you? I recently visited the beach and felt how you describe. Just really restful and spiritual.

I worry about needing these things - especially people and having to arrange it in life. I think it is pretty usual to want these things but sometimes I feel a desperation about it (perhaps because I don't have constant company as in a work situation).

It sounds like you’re an extrovert. I haven’t looked into it but I suspect that personality types operate on top of ASD; people probably assume that everyone who is autistic is an introvert but it isn’t the case. Actually I have an autistic family member who craves social contact (but unfortunately his social skills aren’t very strong so it’s hard for him to find people who want to spent time with him, especially now he’s older, not at school/college etc). I have adhd myself and I’m also an introvert with anxiety and I definitely feel my need for novelty/variety competing with my anxiety and preference for being alone a lot of the time!

do you know your myers brigs type? It might help you understand better what you need.

As @Seasidetrains said. Sounds like you’re an extrovert, my friend is exactly like this! She mentioned it at her adhd assessment and the practitioner said it’s because she’s extroverted and she hasn’t had her ‘social fix’ to charge up so to speak. She has lots of friends and people she speaks with both in person and on the phone. She’s always doing something with someone. I can’t really help with the ‘how’ for you as I’m an introvert and I recharge by not socialising. (Which does cause some difficulties with my extrovert friends 😂) once you’ve found a way, you need to manage it so you have the right balance of social needs vs time on your own in order to not feel this way. That’s the advice she was given. Hope this helps in some way.
best of luck