Tongue in cheek title, but my sons diagnosis forced me to look inward, whilst I was an adult self-medicating with alcohol and SSRIs, at my childhood, social interactions, eating habits, adult anxiety, odd mindset and views on different aspects of life that others don't seem to have, and consider quite seriously that I'm autistic. I can't convince myself to speak to a GP yet because I think they'll think I'm being silly or looking for attention, but perhaps eventually I will.
Anyway- today's question: I have serious, serious, paralysing difficulty keeping commitments and always have. I won't go into the millions of examples from my life, but I start a side job tomorrow as a bank care assistant alongside my degree. I chose bank because I could have no shifts at all should I choose to. However, part of the induction is a compulsory 2 shadow shifts of 12 hours each, which are tomorrow and friday.
I am just utterly paralysed about going. My brain goes: I'm a bit worried about going, I don't want to give up my time to go, I don't want to go tomorrow, I could go at a later date, but if I call them they'll be angry, but I don't want to, but I have to, and so on and on... until I just feel utterly that I CANT go, because I don't want to.
Logically, I feel that I'd feel fine once I get there, but that doesn't overpower the strong paralysis about going. I will suffer and panic and feel utter dread until I walk out the door out of fear of the consequences of not going, and then be fine, but I just feel right now that I can't go.
To be honest, even if I arrange social events, in the build up these feelings take hold and I almost always want to cancel. Often I do cancel (though funnily enough, once I've cancelled I often then decide last minute to go). I actually called in sick for the training last week, then caller false alarm on the morning and went in.
The only caveat is when I am going away with either my beet friend or my OH. I suppose I feel socially in control?
Is this common for autism, or everyon3z or some of ND?
If so, does anyone have any strategies to help me overcome these. I've tried to overcome it, but my mindset is incredibly fixed in these situations and I seem very very resistant to any logic of advice so my hopes are not high anyway.