Hi, I originally posted this in chat for traffic but it might be better here?
I've always been a bit different. In secondary school especially, I was a bit of a loner but I was happy enough that way. I've never really had close friends and struggled with relationships, social things etc. I'm quite anxious, overthinker, struggle with self-esteem. But I hide it well. I might make the odd 'throwaway' comment but if I was really pushed to admit the truth, people would be shocked at how I felt.
Anyway, as I hit 40 I got to thinking about why I am the way I am. I've thought for a long time that perhaps I was on the autistic spectrum, for various reasons. Then I read an article about ADHD and it rang a bell. I then found a podcast ADHD Females and I listened, initially, to the first few and it was like WTAF... this is me. Generally I can live with it but it's starting to affect my work and I need to get it sorted. It's like, anything that involves me having to do anything 'tedious' or that requires too much concentration I just can't. Spreadsheets, checking finer details. It's hard. I will at some point take a burst at it, but it inevitably falls by the wayside. If someone asks me to do something that's a bit different, I'm all over it. If they ask me to 'research' something, even if it's just restaurants in an area... I'm all over it. If someone asks me to do something that ,although might not be work related, involves me being creative... I'm all over it. Even if it's just making a poster for them. But I feel like I need to try and sort this. I haven't been pulled-up yet but I have let things get out of control. I've started a to-do list.... it fell by the wayside too. I start with good intentions, "I'll do this" and then bam, it peeters off.
And it's not just at work. I'm the same at home. My bedroom is an absolute disaster. I know it needs sorted, tidied and I get up at the weekend thinking I'll sort it once and for all. I stand and look at it not knowing where to start and so it remains like a bomb site. I will do it at some point, when it gets to absolute breaking point but it doesn't take long for it to become a mess again.
There are other signs too - the stimming - I can't watch TV or have a conversation with someone without playing with my hair. My dad actually commented on it one day, "stop that, I'm sure that means something, it's not right" - or something to that effect. I zone out quite easily when someone is talking to me. I've had talks with my mum where I've realised I don't have a clue what she just said. I get easily distracted, going from one task to another in the middle of one.
I don't know why I'm posting really. I just, I need to sort myself... especially at work. I've considered asking them to 'keep an eye' on me, pushing me a little but they shouldn't have to. I've been there so long, I'm a grown woman. I should be able to do this. My job isn't exactly hard.
How do I sort myself out?