Autistic - apparently I look sad?

[Piranhaha]

At a wedding on Saturday, having a lovely time. A complete stranger approached me and asked why I looked so sad? I said I’m not sad. Then she hugged me and persisted in saying I’m obviously sad, and told my DH life is too short and he should he should focus more on making me happy. Then she came back and said the same thing again a few hours later.

It made me really self conscious about my face and I just felt incredibly uncomfortable. Wondering if people think I’m miserable, did the bride think I’m unhappy about being there and now she thinks I’m rude, is this why people don’t like me or talk to me?

Has this ever happened to you?

Not specifically "sad", but a number of folk have told me that - because my face is often blank (usually when I'm trying to decide which emotional display is appropriate to a given social situation) - I can be quite intimidating.

I'm not entirely sure how it's possible to be intimidating when I can't make eye contact for more than half a second, but...

@Piranhaha I've had similar things. I think first of all this person has that kind of personality where they think they know best and like to meddle so take it with a pinch of salt.

I have a range of issues and when I do struggle with them I tend to isolate. Then people force me out and then they go on about me being sad. That was unhelpful and I was sad! I just felt embarrassed and annoyed that I'd been dragged out only to be told the bleeding obvious.

I also can have a facial expression that people misinterpret. Through school, university and early work I found people would tell me things, assume I didn't understand and repeat and repeat until they got frustrated and I didn't know why this always happened. Once day I looked in the mirror with my listening/concentrating face and saw something that looked more like confused and a bit thick!!!! So now I deliberately try to rearrange my face into mild smile, zen and ensure I'm quick to use active listening to say "yes. Ok. Mmm I understand. That's clear thank you". Now I'm quite senior and old I just say "clear" very assertively and it shuts them up.

Sometimes I am happy and people ask me what's wrong a lot. That annoys me too. I haven't done my face test in the mirror. Because now I realise it's irrelevant, people will assume things anyway. And some people are hyper vigilant: scared of any potential passive aggression so they keep asking until you do get annoyed! So ultimately now the only think I do differently is set things straight immediately, calmly but assertively - because if I say nothing they go on and on like that bride. I might say "I'm absolutely fine. I am just relaxed and taking it all in thank you" and then they might still go on. So now I add a layer of distraction and ask them a question straight after. People generally love to talk about themselves most of all. So I might say "how about you. How are you doing?/what's the latest?" They forget all about you and tell you. But it has to be an open ended question to ensure they speak for more than a second - that way they defo move on and leave it.

But one day I do fantasise about standing up and shouting "oh please just fuck off" because it annoys me and I kind of want to see what people would do.

Also she sounds like she was drunk.

And I have a lot of South African friends. Their relaxed face is usually quite neutral and British people always think they are cross or sad. But they just have a different culture and that's allowed. You you are allowed not to worry how you look and just be you.

Anyone with an ounce of sense would try and chat to you first to get a sense of who you are and what you are like without jumping to conclusions xxxx

I got told to cheer up in a goth club once... I was just listening to music, and, well, goth club?

@WeirdPookah LOL. I love it.

Did the person tell you to have an IrnBru?

Seriously, in a goth club of all places...

I’ve been wondering about what facial image I’m projecting too lately. Turns out I’ve been unknowingly walking past an old colleague on my school run for the past year and not recognised him. He apparently recognised me but has never stopped me to say hi. When I finally realised who he was, I asked him why he hadn’t said hello and he said he didn’t like to because I looked like I’ve got the worries of the world on my shoulders!

No one much speaks to me much, I’ve always felt a bit unapproachable and I’m not good at eye contact. Now I’m thinking that if have a resting anxious face, who would want to get involved with that?!

I asked my husband and he said I can look a bit pensive. Great 🙄

But your wedding lady does sounds like she may have been a bit drunk. Although people who take it upon themselves to barge into stranger’s lives with unsolicited advice on how you should be feeling based on your facial expression should, in my opinion, be ignored! They’re kind of annoying people who think they know it all. Probably haven’t ever had to deal with much difficult stuff in their lives?! Maybe then my old buddy was doing the right thing by leaving me alone….?!