I just feel so broken and I don't know where to go from here

[aceofbasefan20]

I only discovered this board through the MN mental health board and am happy that it exists. I find it incredibly hard to open up to anyone, especially the last few years but i feel like I'm falling apart. I'm in my early 40's, not diagnosed but strongly suspect I probablt have both ADHD and autism. I've spent years of my life being ridiculed or bullied, going from one badly paid job to another and the past about 3 years, I've hit extreme burnout where I find it impossible to even leave the house some days.

The years of garbage ive gone through haunt me night and day and I have become extremely afraid of other people. I hate that this has become my life. A lot of well meaning people say to join groups and just put myself out there, but that has often resulted in more rejection and to be honest, my heart feels like it can't cope with much more.

The only friends i have live at opposite ends of the country and just don't want to listen anytime I'm going through a hard time. I find myself feeling incredibly alone and just not wanting to be here anymore a lot of the time.

I've tried therapy but found it is just not something that is going to work for me unless it's someone who is specialised in dealing with neurodiversoty.

I just don't know where to go from here

Have you been to your gp and requested an adhd assessment? You could pay privately if you're able to.

Sorry you're feeling so horrid right now

@Nickersnackersnockers thank you. At the moment I'm currently awaiting assessment, haven't been able to go privately to it may take a while

It's horrendous to feel unsafe in the world isn't it? Either emotionally, physically or both. I was diagnosed with ASD earlier this year. I was so badly bullied in my last job (due my autistic traits) that it left me with severe depression, anxiety and suspected CPTSD, and I've been unable to work since. Although I am mostly functioning in terms of day-to-day life now, it's at a much lower level than before.

I've struggled with knowing who to trust since, and now have a much more cynical view of people and their motives. My life is very small right now, with no close friends. There are people in my neighbourhood I'm on friendly terms with, but I just don't have the energy or optimism to pursue these further any more.

I've been much kinder to myself since my diagnosis though, and practise a lot of self-care now, which helps. Please do whatever you need to to look after yourself.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

P.S. I also love Ace of Base 🙂

So sorry to hear you are having such a hard time.

i don’t have any specific advice but wanted to say I am going through a similar experience right now. I suspect I have been struggling with undiagnosed ADHD/ASD. I’ve struggled with work, socialising, managing stress all my life and my autistic traits have become much more pronounced since having my son. It’s almost like I have lost the ability to mask due to having a limited amount of spare energy now.

One thing that has helped me hugely is to read up on Autism/ADHD in woman and also join a few ASD/Autism specific online groups Autisminwomen subreddit is great !). It has helped me feel more understood and less alone. Maybe this could work for you until to decide on a long term plan ?

@SerPants thanks for your kind words ❤ I'm so sorry to hear that you were also bullied in your last job, I know how that can leave emotional scars and it's incredibly hard to regain trust in people again.

Like you, I also think I hold a more cynical view of the world now after being hurt so much. I'm a kind person but when that kindness is taken for granted a lot, I think it's made me close myself off.

Being kinder to yourself is something that I am also doing and I'm learning to appreciate the little things in life that make me happy

Aww wonderful you too love Ace of Base, they're absolutely one of my favourite bands ❤

@Bluebell1990 I can relate so much to your post. I think I masked successfully for years both socially and in work environments and eventually you reach the point where it becomes exhausting and almost like another job in itself and become burnt out. I think that's where I am currently. I've had a look at the autisminwomen subreddit and it looks great so I'll definitely spend some time there, thank you.

Yep - I often feel like that - especially now i'm early 40s I just don't have any energy or will to mask. Currently trying to make friends with my sons friend's mum and her last text to me was 'lets just have a chat next week and sort out plans from there.'

Cue me literally shutting down on seeing her and being unable to get a single intelligible word out. Fledgling friendship over. Again. It's just so repetitive. And hard.

Know that you're most definitely not alone in feeling this way OP. Maybe if we can all support each other on here a bit and share our stories it'll help

Maybe we should start a support group for neurodiverse MNers broken by life?

Maybe we should. Having an invisible disability is so hard!

Welcome to the board. I hope you can find understanding and acceptance here.

Hello OP, I cam really relate to what you've written here. I'm a similar age and have been on HRT for perimenopause since I was 43 as well as thyroid medication. Late diagnosed autism plus this stage of life events plus PTSD plus possible ADHD plus the pandemic led me down a very dark path. I cannot tolerate people I don't know anymore and my noise sensitivity has really heightened . I'm still struggling with lack of motivation and burnout but I'm seeing tiny glimpses of hope now my hormone levels are more balanced.
My burnout meant that I couldn't do my special interests anymore and I struggle to find new ones. I can truly be happy without a special interest so I'm just hoping one will stick soon so I can be myself again.
Hope this helps OP, you are not alone🌸

*can't truly be happy without a special interest

I came here to say that women with ADHD and autism can be hit especially hard by postpartum hormone shifts and perimenopause/ menopause. HRT can be really helpful. I started to feel the same OP - it was like I ran out of energy to mask anymore.

I have radically changed my life - diet, work, expectations of myself. We need to stop fitting into the boxes we're told we 'should' fit in and think about the kind of box we want to create

I am very cynical now because of how people have repeatedly treated me over decades. My therapist kept telling me to overcome my fears, go out and do the stuff I’m afraid of to prove I’m just catastrophising and being paranoid - so I did, and people treated me the exact same way yet again.

Now she thinks I need therapy to overcome how people have treated me in the past. I said the only reason I can’t overcome it is because it’s not in the past - it continues to happen every time.

@Piranhaha Your therapist is enjoying the money you are paying her and keeps this going. I think maybe I am also cynical too :)

Can't believe a therapist would tell an autistic person they are paranoid and need to overcome their fears - I mean that's just a pile of shit!

That's made me quite angry, I'm sorry people have treated you badly, they need to get in the bin.

Sorry I'm only getting back to this thread now

@LeotardsandDaisies thanks for your kind words. I certainly relate on how hard it really is to get to know people and not having the energy to mask anymore. I felt like I could for years but have lost that ability.

@BlackeyedSusan thank you so much 💗

@SerPants I love that idea to set up some kind of support group and would definitely be open to that.

@thehedgehogcanneverbebuggered (love your username btw) I too am dealing with all the same things you mentioned. I think I bit perimenopause when I was only about 34 and it just went downhill from there. I felt I was able to mask adequately well even before covid but have found it really really difficult ever since then and I feel the same way about noise sensitivity as you, so many things are just a sensory nightmare for me now

@SquirrelSoShiny you are so right about not trying to fit ourselves into the boxes we think we should be in. I think for years I did things and wanted things all because everyone else wanted those same things and I felt I needed to fit in, instead of truly following my own heart and What I wanted which I think has definitely contributed towards burnout.

@Piranhaha I have dealt with the very same thing and can relate to your experiences so well. I too had a therapist who would constantly push me to socialise and nag at me for isolating myself, even though he knew I had a history of being bullied or mistreated by others. Therapy always made me feel like I was being gaslit and the problem was me, if I just put myself out there, people would accept me, but that never happened. I think it's easy for neurotypical therapists who have never been through the stuff we have to suggest these things when they just don't understand.

I was having CBT and it was a technique called Behavioural Experiments. Essentially you plan an activity to test the validity of your negative thoughts. You write down what you’d like to do and what you think will happen if you do it. Then you write down positive alternatives that might happen instead of what you fear. Then you do the thing, and write down what happened, and whether this contradicts your original negative belief. And based on the new evidence, how do you need to change your original belief.

Basically it’s designed to show you that your negative thoughts aren’t valid and you can get past them and do the things you want to do, and increase your confidence in doing those things. But it doesn’t account for the situation where you’re actually correct and your worst fear does happen, and your negative thoughts were justified.

For example, one of the things I’m afraid of is eating out, because I have food allergies. So I wrote down that I expect to be poisoned, but actually I might have a nice time and a lovely meal, and restaurants are more clued up nowadays. Then I went out for dinner. By dessert I was in the toilets sobbing and stabbing myself with an Epi-Pen because they’d made a mistake and given me a cake that contained gluten. I vomited for three days. Then I had to report them to environmental health because of the seriousness of the incident, and they got nasty and phoned me on the number I used when booking, to call me a bitch because the inspector had come out and wanted to see their allergy procedures.

So yeah, I can see how it works for people who are just thinking negatively, but it doesn’t work if your fears are valid!

@Piranhaha That sounds like way too much work with processing and constantly thinking and then writing it down before and after, especially when an autistic person cannot just change their though patterns because it's part of the way our neurology works. The therapist appears to be trying to get you to think your way out of being autistic which is very very wrong.
I can think if every thing that could go wrong in absolute detail in any fraught situation, so that particular approach would never work with me.
And you're right, it doesn't account for how to cope when things do go wrong!
🌸

*thought

Apparently it’s a very widely used technique in CBT. They give you a workbook and help you fill it in. But as you said, it’s designed for NT people. I’ve found that therapists just treat me the same as an NT person, they don’t understand the difference. And CBT only works for negative thinking - it doesn’t work when your concerns are actually valid. For example telling me to attempt to socialise and be positive instead of expecting to be shunned, when I’ve been shunned by everyone for over 30 years because I’m autistic.

@aceofbasefan20 💐. It’s so so hard out there. Hand hood I hate being autistic

Hello all. I'm 40 and have late confirmed ASD (and I suspect ADHD). Thanks for the recommendation re Reddit. I'll take a look.

I know no one in RL like me. I wish I did. It can be pretty isolating to keep trying and mostly failing to connect with NT people. I can often get overwhelmed and exhausted trying to have a shred of a social life on top of a full time job, family and running (one of my passions). I do a crap job of masking anyway these days!

Just to say, you're not alone.

Hello all. What a lovely thread. So much of it resonates. OP and others, you are definitely not alone. 💜

Currently in a bit of a burnout hole, like others have said, nearly 40, full time job, young child, some charity stuff on the side, wider family obligations. Outwardly all fine, but feeling increasingly, I suppose, isolated. Losing the ability to mask as effectively. Losing interest in my favourite things. Losing enthusiasm too for new friendships etc because old obstacles inevitably resurface.

Waiting for an ASD assessment, recently referred, so there’s a lot of “you’re just an awkward sort” to unpick too. And I suppose I’ve no idea how to be my “full” self any more.

Do you know what @SidewaysRain don't you ever think that you are doing a FT job, raising a young child (with all the stuff that entails), likely still doing all the house stuff plus doing extra outside (charity) and likely looking after older relatives is not a recipe for disaster? Anyone NT or ND would find that hard. It's not being ND that's the issue here! It's taking on too much and you need to be selective and say no!

Hi OP,

How are you getting along now? I hope things have improved for you.