My partner is ASD/ADHD. And tight as a gnat’s chuff.

[Toadsnotfrogs]

How do I proceed?

He is the most intelligent charming funny loyal honest man I’ve ever met. He has an electric energy about him, and if you will forgive the sexual objection, a fantastic arse. We laugh all the time, we want the same things, and have been together a few years now, both divorced.

I am of the school of thought re money that it’s a means to an end, if you have a problem then don’t sweat it and buy your way out. He is of the “didn’t have the bread roll” view of things.

He earns 4x me. I have just (to save him the mental load) organised a load of work to be done on his car, office and house, and it was comfortably into 4 figs. He has said he will pay me back, he trusts me 100% and in the same breath that he wants an itemised bill.

I hosted his family here in my holiday cottage, and covered ALL the costs as he was having what he perceives to be a tight month. And tonight he’s asked me for a tenner for some groceries he picked up for one of my kids.

He isn’t a nob. Our world views are different. How do I proceed?

I have medicated ADHD by the way and three of my kids are ASD/ADHD. And one is just a ADHD.
and one more that was the normal one who now thinks he might be a Tory. FFS.

It sounds to me that he likes to keep things clear in his mind. Maybe he balances his accounts every month and likes to know where things went.

Nope, the opposite actually. He would rather not even open his credit card statement or check his bank account.

He sounds very much like me (also autistic).

I'd personally say...the itemised bill probably isn't anything to do with trust, and far more to do with knowing what's been done in case there's a problem with the work. Part of it will probably also be so that he can get it straight in his head.

I'm assuming that you organised for all the work to be done because he's pretty crap with organisation (that'll be the "executive dysfunction" thing), in that one big thing might be easy, but multiple big things quickly becomes unmanageable and overwhelming?

It could also be something far simpler - if he grew up poor, then one of his biggest fears will be to be put in that position again. For me, I always have to have at least £30 in my pocket at all times, even though I never use cash these days; the perceived tightness may just be a different expression of that feeling?

I'm like this too.
Had a spell out of work in my 20s and sick pay is dreadful so I'm always saving for a rainy day as being skint is awful.
Also I suspect I have asd or adhd and I think financial control is a symptom of this.

He sounds like me. If an extravagance is proposed, for example, costing £20, my mind instantly fast-forwards to a time where I'm impoverished and can't afford to eat, and am thinking back 'If we hadn't bought that [whatever] in 2023, I would still have £20 left.'