I'm a mum but desperately need my own time and space

[Rainbowribbon]

I have ADHD and autism. I have two teen DC and a DH. As a mum, I have felt so overwhelmed at times with the lack of space and quiet time, but I managed to cope as I haven't been working, so had time to myself while the children were at school.

However, now my DH is at home all the time on sick leave (mental health). He may go back to work but it's likely to not be a consistent routine, eg the odd day here or there. I find it very difficult with him around the house all the time. My teens are lovely, but noisy - one of them goes up very early and the other goes to bed late. I feel as though I am constantly on call throughout the day, everyone wants to talk to me or ask me something, and is making a lot of noise.

I am starting a new job in a few weeks which will be four days a week. I do not know how I am going to cope with the lack of downtime. I will be talking to people all day then coming back home and there will be people in the house all the time.

I desperately need time to myself where I can have peace and quiet or I just can't function. I don't know what to do. Someone suggested building a shed in the garden, but I know I would be interrupted there too.

We have around £100k in savings that was earmarked for retirement/ helping the DC if they wanted to go to university. I have been thinking of using it to maybe buy a static caravan somewhere or a cheap flat where I can go once or twice a week. Then maybe I could sell the flat when we retire/dc go to university. DH is against the idea as he thinks it will all cost too much and we will lose money.

I understand what he's saying, but I feel so desperate. Can anyone relate, and how did you manage to cope if you need your own time and space?

Can you look at getting a different type of job where you would be able to work mostly on your own? I became stressed when doing a very people-heavy job and changed career to be a computer programmer. It was a shared office, but we all worked quietly on our own stuff most of the time with just the odd meeting and occasional chat. I found that very restorative.

@Saracen thanks for your reply. I'm late forties and somehow don't feel I have the energy to retrain in a different career at the moment, but I can see how being a computer programmer would be a good idea.

Funnily enough I do enjoy social interaction and my job, and family life, but it's just like I can't do it all the time, and need a break/space/peace and quiet on a regular basis otherwise I get burnt out. Even spending time alone in my bedroom does not seem enough as I can hear everyone and I know that at any moment someone could come in and ask me something.

I dream of having a little bolthole near the sea where I could go once a week or so and just be on my own, but I don't think that's possible unfortunately! I do need to work something out though as otherwise I know I won't be able to carry on long term.

How big is your house? Any chance of making one room your own?

I think a shed/building in the garden sounds wonderful. A cabin would only make a small dent in the £100k and for the sake of your mental health it sounds like money well spent (eg if spending the money on that allows you to continue in your job vs not having the space and burning out and having to cut back on/give up work).

I could understand if they were little kids but you shouldn’t be on call all the time for teenagers. They shouldn’t be noisy either, it sounds like they need to be disciplined to behave appropriately in the house. Is there a reason you can’t just go in your bedroom and close the door?

What do you do for work, could there be a suitable position that involves regular overnight travel either in the UK or outside? I used to really enjoy having the evenings to myself in a hotel

Mine were abit like this when they were at home. We'd all be loud and ramp each other up into a frenzy having fun chatting loudly, singing, being silly etc. .... THEN I'd announce it was quiet time when I could see one or more us was getting overwhelmed .... and we'd all go our separate eays to read, go on the net, headphones on music,tv etc. We are all autistic so it worked for us. Could this work for you? When Mum's had enough, its separate ways time for awhile.

Not enough is written about the difficulties that autistic mums face (and I say mums, because it seems that autistic dad's are much better at carving out time and space to themselves somehow 🙄).

How about getting a camper van? Mine is a godsend!

I take a cup of tea out and sit in the car ..
they know not to disturb me

I'm late to this, but I hear you. I really struggled with the clinginess and screaming when they were very little and I still struggle now they are older with all their problems that require comforting and support. On top of a full time job and housework I want to scream sometimes. I took up running when my youngest was 1. Guarantees 'me time' and is great for mental and physical health.

any Chance you could introduce a policy where they have to fend for themselves between say 11-1 and save any questions /requests until after that?

I'm in the same position as you (married, teens) and regularly dream about having a bolt hole. I often eye up the neighbours motorhome parked by their house that they never use, have you seen The Accountant with Ben Affleck, his character had such a space to go when things became too much. Just got back from an overnight escape to a friends house, that helps every now and then. I think it's normal for autistic folks, if only I had the money to buy a cabin in the woods to escape to then I would.