Feelings

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I have autism, late diagnosis, had no idea until DD was diagnosed and am still figuring out all the ways it affects me. Always been very close to my DM but am realising now how codependent the relationship has been and that she can be very manipulative and a bit controlling.

Something happened recently (really don't want to go into what if that's ok) which made me realise she let me down in quite a major way as a child, I have empathy and understanding for the situation she was in and why she acted the way she did but it's like my feelings for her have turned off like a tap. I often feel a bit emotionally detached from things and question whether I react or respond to people or situations genuinely or whether I'm actually just going through the socially expected motions if that makes sense? I just worry I'm a bit....cold maybe?

And I'm worried about what this means going forward with DM, there's an expectation on me to provide care if and when she needs it as she gets older and I'm not sure I can do that for someone I have no feelings for. In any case, what kind of person does it make me if I don't/can't love my own mother? What she did wasn't good but I'm not sure it warrants the complete loss of my feelings for her, and yet that's exactly what seems to have happened. I hope it's ok that I posted this here instead of Relationships, I guess I'm hoping people here will understand. I honestly feel like I'm play-acting at being human a lot of the time.

I’m similar. Late diagnosed autistic, not identified until DS was diagnosed and I kept saying “that’s not autistic behaviour because I do that”.

My mother is the same as yours, very clingy. When I was a teenager she made me feel hugely guilty for growing up and not spending so much time with her. She stopped my music lessons because the price of cigarettes went up. Pushed me out of my home when she was divorcing my dad and she wanted my bedroom so she didn’t have to sleep on the sofa. Since I had kids she clings to me, sits in my house even if I’m not home, does my laundry even though I’ve asked her not to. If I am at home I end up going upstairs to sit in my bedroom like a teenager, to get away from her because I don’t want to be sat on top of.

She is very selfish. When I was bullied at school she sobbed and said “why are you doing this to ME”. Then she told me not to talk about it because it upset her. As a teenager the school wanted to get me psychiatric help which would possibly have led to my autism diagnosis sooner, but she said no because SHE didn’t want the hassle.

So there are many ways in which she has let me down. My feelings for her are conflicted. In a way I think I’d feel relieved if she died, because I could do what I want and she wouldn’t be able to make me feel guilty any more. I don’t think it makes me a bad person. Just she hasn’t been a great mother.