How can I find out why people don't like me?

[JigsawsAtTheBeach]

I have autism and ADHD.

Pretty much everywhere I've gone in life, there's been at least one person who disliked me.

I'm good at every job I've tried but rarely get promoted. I find that popular people tend to get promoted above women like me.

I have few friends and I'm not close to my family.

Clearly, I have traits that are unlikeable. How can I find out what these traits are?

I'm fine with being disliked BTW. I just don't want to make people uncomfortable unnecessarily.

I’ve been asking this question my whole life. People are very clear that they dislike me, but they’re too polite to tell me why.

I did get some honest feedback from an interviewer once. He said I don’t smile or make eye contact enough, and I flinched and gave him a funny look when he put his hand out to shake. Also I seem withdrawn and nervous, and my voice is a bit monotone and squeaky, and the words I choose are too formal (he said I speak like I’m reading from a book). This is the closest I’ve got to a reason why people don’t like me.

Thanks Acheron. May I ask what conditions you have?

I have high functioning autism. I mask extremely well and people don’t realise I have it. I think if you’re obviously disabled then people are kind, but if you “pass” then people think you’re just a horrible person and are mean and exclude you. I’ve often been accused of being mean and stuck up, rude or spiteful.

Tbh I think having someone dislike you is par for the course for most people.
Archeron I come across as abrupt,too chatty or too much.
I'm sure I have ADHD or autism.

No, being discriminated against because of autism is not the same as most people’s experience of occasionally being disliked 🙄

Hi, I'm autistic, late diagnosed as an adult and have experienced similar at different times.
Firstly, if people don't like you- that's their choice, not everyone is going to be someone that becomes a friend.
Secondly, in a work environment I've discovered you need to play the "game" of wherever you are working, in order to be promoted. Whether you opt into the game or not is your choice- I have noticed that those of us who are neurodiverse in someway are less likely to play the game as we tend to be more straightforward and not see things as hierarchies etc. If you choose to join in with the "game" in your workplace it usually involves being friendly (not necessarily friends) with certain people and following the unwritten social rules to get ahead- does your workplace value people who turn up 5 minutes earlier/ people who stop and make small talk by the coffee machine/ the person who takes 5 minutes to make sure they chat to the manager before starting their shift, for example). Once you see the game and learn it, you can play it. It's like a form of masking- fitting in even when it is uncomfortable, talking the talk even if you don't subscribe to the work environment you are in, without being a gossip or catty or two faced. Its not fun and tbh it comes harder to us than to neurotypicals who seem to thrive on this kind of game/ inclusion/ exclusion situation. It comes down to whether you want to play by the unwritten rules or not- is the job or promotion worth it and does it align with your morals?
Thirdly, if people don't like you when you are being yourself- does it truly matter? Better to be alone for a while as you look for your tribe than to be lonely in the midst of a group of people you can't trust to like and appreciate you for who you are.

Dinosauroffire that is spot on.
I would rather be myself than get bent out of shape learning the rules.
I do like to chat to everyone though yet I struggle to make friends.
I find my colleagues very clique and gossipy which I detest and reported.

I also have high functioning autism and have been told many times that I speak like a book, and also that I'm pedantic. What I've realized is that NTs often say things that aren't literally true, and they know they aren't literally true, and they don't mean them literally. They use vague phrases that aren't accurate. The other day someone I know used 'The Powers that Be' to refer to the abilities of algorithm, and when I said that was an algorithm, they told me I was pedantic. I find this difficult because often I don't know what they're trying to convey.

I’ve also been told I speak like a book. I think it’s because communication isn’t natural for me so I do it in a learned and conscious manner, not in a casual and unconscious way. I use words verbally that most people only use in writing. NTs find this weird and uncomfortable.

I often misunderstand NTs because they imply things they don’t say. Like DH saying is my phone in the bathroom? Yes it is. Then he gets annoyed because apparently him asking me that question is an implied request for me to fetch it. But he didn’t ask me to fetch it, he just asked me where it is. Then I get accused of being purposely awkward, when in fact it’s just gone straight over my head and I had no idea what he wanted.

This sort of thing makes the workplace very hard to navigate, particularly when people accuse you of ignoring requests (that they didn’t actually make) or not attending meetings (that they haven’t actually invited you to). People get very annoyed and start accusing you of doing it on purpose.

I think your expectations are way off. Of course someone isn't going to like you wherever you go. You can't be liked by everyone unless you mask so much that you're not even you or anyone anymore.

Be ruthless about being yourself and appreciate the connections you do make.

I think this is really astute. I have never opted into the game, it feels physically painful for me, I hate it. Being self-employed is the solution for me.

I understand not being liked and not getting it. As a child to young adult I really struggled.

Now in my 40s I feel I get people more. But I don't have that many more friends because I also realise I'm very picky and cannot tolerate people who go against my values.

I understand about playing "the game" at work. I found people who were able to coach me and help me understand what was going on. Yet I still would struggle to verbalise what it means.

But I won't play the game out of work. Listening to Brene Brown's audiobook The Power of Vulnerability helped me to understand people better and why I often felt bad about myself. It's a game changer