Did any ASD adults struggle as a teenager but managed OK when they got older (I'm in need of some hope).

[Lindy2]

DD15 is diagnosed ADHD and we are waiting (and waiting) for a formal ASD diagnosis.

Life is extremely hard right now. She doesn't cope with normal society expectations ie very low school attendance, anxiety - which results in just shutting down, no real friends due to constant fallings out, self harm and generally very low mood.

Everyday is difficult and it's such a different world now from when she was younger and so full of energy. Things were still changing then but nothing compared to now.

I know the teen years are often difficult for ASD girls. Today I desperately need to be able to see some light at the end of the tunnel. Has anyone been through this themselves or their daughters and found happiness as they got older? At the moment the basics like, getting any qualifications, making friends, getting any type of job seem quite out of reach.

I don't think anyone can predict how life is going to pan out. We're all so different.

For me, things became much worse in adulthood, and more so in the peri-menopause years.

Female puberty whilst autistic is utterly traumatising. The bodily changes combined with lacking the social skills to navigate sexual harassment skilfully and being so used to suppressing emotional discomfort to mask that you don't recognise the discomfort induced by a sexual predator's creepiness until it's too late to escape, yeah it's hell being an autistic female teen.

Can you get DD into an all-girl school? That helped me immensely. I'm not going to pretend that neurotypical girls were pleasant company, but they weren't violent and weren't sexual predators, so I knew that I was physically safe.

Not sure I struggled as much as your daughter but high school was hell with daily bullying and few friends. While I still struggle to make friends I find adults are a lot more understanding and I generally get on ok now. I also found it easier to find people I genuinely had stuff in common with.

If it’s any consolation, people don’t bully me any more. They just avoid me completely. Which isn’t ideal but it’s better than being hit and called names.

When you are an adult and can go where you like and interact with who you like outside of work, finding less sucky people becomes a lot easier.

You also have more choice of where you live and how it's decorated and furnished, so you can control your environment better than when you are a child.

Just keep reminding yourself that there are always retakes and college when her brain has matured more. (One child is struggling)

I went to uni in my mid-twenties. There's nothing wrong with doing min wage jobs for a bit whilst you decide what you want to do.

Somehow this has turned into an essay, apologies, but here goes... I found the framework of school very difficult at that age - exam pressure and struggling with what I now know is ADHD, and seeing no way out. However, gradually gaining more control over my life after I left school has been very good, although it took me a long time to realise I had control!

I've always taken things at my own pace and not necessarily done things in the same order or at the same speed as my peers and that's worked for me. Ie, I did go to uni eventually, but at 21 instead of 18 as I was burned out from education.

In my late 20s, I worked freelance in a professional role that attracts a lot of ND people. I met quite a few people who had autistic traits and didn't like the 9-5 office framework, so enjoyed making a living freelancing, of all different ages.

There's so much more room for individuality as you get older, and styles of socialising change so much - I found when I was younger it was very much 'we must all drink alcopops and go to the same terrible club every week while wearing the correct clubbing attire' (not sure what the gen z version of this is!).

Not sure if your daughter has strong interests but I've loved having my own money and being able to indulge mine a little bit.

And learning more about what works for you is definitely helpful in terms of coping strategies.

Writing this, I've realised that I go through very black stages of being depressed and stuck and thinking everything is impossible, to everything suddenly accelerating, happening at one and turning out fine. Not always perfect, but good enough (for me, maybe at the point when I'm forced to stop mulling things over and take action). Thinking about this, have had this with GCSEs, A levels, some of degree, job stuff, some social stuff, other stuff.

Anyway, I'm 34 and now sat in my nice home working space, doing a good professional job which is very well suited to neurodiverse people. My boss is super-logical, very direct (possibly also ND?) and good at his job, so I'm valued for doing my role well, and have had two pay rises and hopefully about to get a promotion since starting a year and a half ago. (Not saying this to sound obnoxious, just highlighting that I've landed in a good working environment that is suited to me).

I'm waiting for my first house to go through and looking forward to moving to a new area and using my slight obsessiveness to decorate it perfectly!

*also had a couple of long-term relationships, which have been with very nice, interesting clever people, even if they haven't lasted forever.

Thanks. It's really difficult getting them through this phase.

I don't think that the exams and coursework treadmill that happens from KS3 in year nine up until BSc/BA graduation is necessarily good for anyone, never mind the neurodivergent. It's likely to be extra-challenging for neurodivergent people because we need need a bit more time to learn how neurotypical people work and to develop adult levels of emotional self-regulation. Plus there's the time lost to CAMHS appointments and generally just trying to cope, everything takes longer, including growing up. Extra time in exams is a reasonable adjustment for us for a reason.

TBH, I think everyone should have to work for at least six months in retail or hospitality during early adulthood, just to learn what those staff go through daily so that you learn not to be "THAT customer".

School generally was hell on wheels - relentless bullying that got worse in my teens. Life improved dramatically after I started a degree course in my mid-twenties. For the first time in my life it was fine to have deep interests and to pursue them, I wasn’t the only ‘eccentric’ character and I found some friends. It’s been a long journey, but I now have work that suits my nature and skills. I feel as though emotional maturity took much longer for me than intellectual development and I definitely developed in an uneven way - felt old as a child, felt lost as a younger person and now just feel like an actual adult most of the time, albeit one who is stuck with a body that’s probably a good decade-and-a-half older than the psyche inside.

I’m fifty now and my social skills are really quite good. I didn’t really mature until I was about forty - around the time I was diagnosed. I find it easy to make friends but I’m very very choosy about who those friends are. I have learnt to quite easily spot people who I will enjoy the company of and I enjoy taking to them but I absolutely don’t like being part of a group.

As a teenager I was obsessed with boys and very naive…I was lucky that I didn’t come to any harm. Emotionally and socially I was many years behind my peers. I met my now exH at 18 and that meant that I didn’t have to do anything on my own and I had some stability so my twenties were quite stress free. We then had two DSs - one autistic and one adhd and probably autistic. I really struggled as a single parent and my health suffered. I’m still burnt out and don’t have much energy. I’d say that my anxiety is worse and I developed depression during my forties. I think that I probably shouldn’t have had children because they’re the main cause of my anxiety. I’ve got huge problems with guilt too…I think anxiety and guilt are the result of differences with the amygdalas in autistic people.

It’s not easy but my extreme sensitivity means that I experience absolute bliss in certain situations. Mostly when I’m alone in nature….a bird of prey or the quality of light can make me so happy!

I wasn't diagnosed as a teen and am only looking to get diagnosed now, but suspect I am AuDHD. I couldn't finish high school, struggled to get any qualifications, couldn't stay in a job.

I have two children, a very happy marriage, we have a beautiful home in London (though I don't work).

I am happy, we have our moments but I'm learning where my boundaries lie in terms of what I can manage and what I can't. My abilities fluctuate wildly throughout the month depending on my cycle but I'm finally learning my pattern.

It's tough now but what a gift for your daughter to learn these things about herself in her teens rather than her late 30's, like me.

I really struggled with high school as you have so little autonomy over your life. The more control I gained, the happier and more 'functional' I became. I hope she can get through, been a teen can really suck!