I think I'm autistic - parenting is hell

[Sillymummies123]

Hi all,

I won't go into the millions of reflections on my present and childhood that have led me to a certainty that I'm autistic (not least that since having children has destroyed me emotionally, I have started becoming overwhelmed, screaming, hitting myself in the head on occasion), but suffice to say with my child's recent diagnosis path starting, I'm now fairly sure I am.

From day 1 of having children I haven't been able to bond. Let me preface this confession by stating that I feel for others generally, and do everything I can do show my children they are loved. However, inside, I am riddled with misery and regret.

The loud noises, the constant demands, the lack of control over my day to day and sleep, being unable to go and do what I want, the meltdowns of my son, I feel utterly trapped in my house and I feel a constant sensory assault. I often can't breathe because I feel physically trapped. I also live in a near constant state of anxiety that either child might shout or meltdown. I also have a very logical and selfish world view. E.g. X or Y makes me sad so I will not do / be around X or Y. As such, I ruminate in the anxiety I feel around kids, how they stop me from doing the activities I'd like to do and that is genuinely a pathological thought pattern that is constant.

I'm new to exploring what it means in my case to be neurodivergent. Bedtime and bedtime crying has always been a source of extreme distress to me, but yesterday my OH (who is exceptionally loving, understanding, and accepting of my neurodivergence) completely took the reigns and suggested I put headphones with loud music on. That really helped.

What I'm looking for really, is to hear from autistic parents who might have had similar problems, and if appropriate, how they managed it. I am not happy. I have nearly left my family many times, I ruminate daily about it, I've taken antidepressants for a year - they somewhat calmed the anxiety but my thought patterns and feelings about being trapped, denied autonomy, remained. I think I'm clashing particularly with my autistic child who tries to control everything...

So sorry you are feeling like this. I can really relate. I have ADHD and autism. I have two dc, both are neurodiverse.

They are now 14 and 12 so things are a lot easier. When they were small I felt permanently on the edge of a breakdown - no time to myself, the loud noises, demands, no sleep, meltdowns, lack of autonomy. I was also a "people pleaser" (not so much any more), so felt obliged to do play dates, socialise with other mums etc which I found so stressful.

I got through it by being on anti depressants, having counselling, and on rare occasions going for a weekend away by myself. Do you have time to go out by yourself for exercise or have a coffee? I think if you can factor that in it does help.

I also fantasised about being on my own all the time. It's so difficult, I really feel for you, but unless you have a lot of help eg family, I don't really know what can be done except just getting through it.

Now my children are older it's much easier in the sense that they are much more independent and self sufficient. However I still struggle with lack of time alone as it seems that everyone is in the house a lot of the time. My DH and I are even thinking of using some of our savings to buy a static caravan - I know it's not particularly a good investment but it would be a place I could go to once or twice a week to have my own space. Would something like that be feasible for you?

I second that counselling is a good idea. I am autistic and my youngest (now 16) is also autistic (possibly also ADHD).
I did courses when my kids were little to have some autonomy.
I'd also recommend noise cancelling headphones and/or flare audio earplugs (they don't block out noise entirely but they make it a lot more tolerable).

If you have anyone who might mind the kids in your own home while you go and get a coffee or go for a walk, or even just hide in the bedroom and read or whatever then ask them rather than wait for an offer. A lot of people don't realise how much other people are struggling and want to help if they can. I say "in your own home" because then they have all their things and it's already safe.

I feel like you do also. I have three kids and the overwhelm is real. I'm waiting for my assessment for both ADHD and autism.
I daydream about my own place how quiet and serene it would be and in reality I feel like I'm trapped or wading through treacle we don't have family support so it's very much me and my husband and it's hard.

I'm struggling with feeling so down since starting this assessment stuff like I'm treading water and barely keeping my head above it. Fml

Wow! It's all only very recently clicked into place for me. I'm not just a "weirdo", a "selfish asshole", a "broken psychopath", I'm not just "weak" for struggling with the crying as i do, the demands, etc.

I know you've all said you know how I feel and aside from counselling there's no practical advice but oh-my-god - your validation in sharing your experiences, hopes for the future or even just saying you understand is so validating.

My own family refuse to believe I'm autistic (because I'm not screeching, flapping my hands and traditionally "disabled"), and that's hard, but hey ho. At least I have a super supportive OH.

Thank you all

I only have one d s but it was so hard when he was young. I would put ear plugs in just to reduce the volume of endless noise ensuring I was in the same room or in an adjoining room e.g. the kitchen. I booked plenty of childcare as luckily she was cheap and I could justify the additional days alongside working part time. I honestly don't know how I would have coped had I not done that.

Start your diagnosis process.

Work with your DH to divide tasks do you play to both your strengths.

(Apologies autistic overload: communication limited)