Does anyone else find as a neurodiverse person people are just unkind to you?

[Chipsndips80]

A lot of people would probably say it's just my imagination but it's something that I have noticed throughout my life, when I was in my 20's and more conventionally attractive, people were kinder to me, but I have just noticed a theme of people being rude towards me no matter how kind or respectful I am towards them . I'm going through a pretty severe burnout right now and just have zero interest in socialising anymore because nobody feels safe. Does anyone relate?

I have often wondered if there is something that NT people just think they sense around Autistic people. They seem to find something "off", maybe it's an eye contact thing, or posture, tone/volume of voice... something their little social brains go OMG at and decide they don't like us for absolutely no real reason.

There are lots of studies that show exactly that. We haven't a chance 😔

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5286449/

I completely agree with you. I try to avoid interaction as much as I can. I don't work now but when I did, especially in the last 5 years I found I was subjected to being excluded from chats in work and on message groups. I was the subject of snide comments and jokes with a jab, and it was always women 😪
It got so ridiculous in one job I thought I was going crazy. I didn't experience as much when I was younger.

Absolutely 😔

Sadly I have to agree.

Experts say that people with autism have difficulty with social behaviour (and we do) but in many cases it’s not our behaviour that’s at fault - it’s NT people. They judge us based on brief first impressions (5-10 secs) and then they reject us and avoid interaction. Basically discrimination.

It’s not generally the content of our speech that’s at fault, it’s the way we speak and physically behave. NTs don’t see us as less intelligent or decent, but they do believe we’re more awkward, less likeable and less socially competent. There is no way to fix this.

I've noticed the moment it happens too. You can see their faces change and their behaviour is different.
I remember it happening at the school gates. One popular mum came over to talk to me as our sons were friends. She was all friendly and smiling until I started to respond to her. She looked at me like I was an alien and made her excuses to leave.

I definitely experienced this when I was a kid - people just didn't really warm to me and were occasionally outwardly hostile. I don't notice it as much anymore - partly because I suppose I must have learned some NT behaviours, but also because I care much less what people think of me (realise these two contradict each other, but the masking isn't intentional - I don't think 'I must get these people to like me, time to mask like mad' - it is just part of how I present to the world these days). Not caring has turned out to be quite important and, when I consider it properly, I have realised that I don't actually like NT people very much either. All my friends are ND or lean in that direction.

Like a pp said, the solution isn't going to come from NT people, because it means them changing their behaviour and considering the needs of ND people - very few of them are prepared to do this. I choose to work on my own self esteem, rather than expecting others to change - ultimately, I don't want to change either and don't see why I should in order to fit the narrow NT profile.

I'm glad that I'm not the only one who has noticed this but actually feel sad that so many of us have to experience it ❤

It is rather depressing isn't it?

@WeirdPookah I think it contributes a lot to my depression. Almost no matter how hard I try, i will be rejected and its hard to find other neurodiverse people

It's not in your imagination! I can't even say hello to unknown people in the street - I can't get the eye contact right and always get the timing wrong. Nothing is ever intuitive.

I felt it acutely when I was nursing and even within AA/NA. It was heartbreaking when so many colleagues seemed to reject or outright bully me. I internalised this shit for years, always trying so hard, reading endless books on social skills/body language yet completely unable to apply any of it.

The thing is the friends you do make are likely to be good ones who relate or don't care.

Now I'm older I'm more than happy with my one 'real friend' who I see weekly and two 'close friends' I haven't seen in years but would be there for me in a heartbeat.

Hedgehog's Dilemma.

Arthur Schopenhauer conceived this metaphor to describe what he considers to be the state of the individual in relation to others in society. The hedgehog's dilemma suggests that despite goodwill, human intimacy cannot occur without substantial mutual harm, and what results is cautious behavior and weak relationships. With the hedgehog's dilemma, one is recommended to use moderation in affairs with others both because of self-interest, as well as out of consideration for others. The hedgehog's dilemma is used to explain self-imposed isolation.

I'm sure many would look at my life of relative seclusion but they're not me. Just because society frowns doesn't mean I can't be happy with my lot and I'm certainly far happier than when I was living a lie.

The internet changed my life for the better, I no longer had to try and make friends just to stave off boredom and the web is full of neurodiverse types.

I've left the preview on because it's a cute hedgehog.

It shouldn't be hard to find fellow neurodiverse people as there is 1 in 7 or 1 in 8 of us around. We just need to find out tribe I guess. I find mainstream people very dreary anyway.

I am trying out two walking groups soon that meet just monthly as I need a few more friends.I only have two friends where I live as three others moved away over the years though I am still in touch with them.

Yep. It's worse since the pandemic for some reason. I don't know if I'm worse at masking now or whether people have got nastier, but I notice it.

It's like I have a sign on my head asking people to mistreat me. I get treated like shit even by people I'm paying! I went to a really expensive private dermatologist the other day, and she was so unbelievably patronising and rude, as were the reception staff! I was sent into my appointment, and the receptionist told me to take the first door on the right. I was flustered and distracted, as my phone had started ringing at the same moment and I was trying to grab it to cancel the call, and first went to the left...she rolled her eyes and said "to the right" in a really nasty, sarcastic tone. She was about 22, I'm a 38-year-old professional woman...why on earth would she think that was acceptable? It's because there's somehow something about me that makes people think it's OK to bully and mistreat me.

I’m not downplaying anyone’s experiences at all. I believe you. Especially as it’s scientifically proven.

But I do wonder whether some people just have a bad attitude to others in general, and each person who encounters them thinks it’s a personalised reaction.

The same people are protesting racist as well.

*probably racist as well

These sorts of people, if they’re awful to someone who seems a little different, they’re probably awful to people from other backgrounds, anyone who isn’t fashionable etc … They’re telling you who they are with their behaviour and doing you a favour because you will know to steer clear of them.

(I’ll go away now. Too tired to type.)

It always surprises me how people think of themselves as decent humans who are kind and supportive, they post all of this “be kind” shit and “stop bullying” and talk about tolerance and acceptance towards various minority groups. They wouldn’t dream of being racist or discriminating against someone with a physical disability. Then they turn around and ostracise autistics. And they still think they’re good people.

Yes! I notice that a lot. And not only that, but they act as if autistic people are the ones who are horrible simply not for conforming to their norms. They assume the worst at all times, attribute malice to innocuous things like not wanting to join them for lunch at a busy restaurant because you can't handle the noise or the stimulation, and still think they're really nice people.

I'm self diagnosed adhd at the minute and I agree in fact I had to report my colleagues for the first time for ignoring me or gossiping daily and sniggering.
When I was younger and more attractive it didn't matter and I kind of fitted in.
In my 30s I had no real friends due to dreadful social anxiety it became easier to be alone.
More recently I worked 12 hr days with men who I now suspect were neurodiverse.Now I'm in an all female team it appears I'm different,more outspoken, tell it like it is.
I've looked back on my last few jobs and realised some one always found me too much or too stupid.
People are cruel.I always support the underdog the outsider as I know how it feels.

All female environments tend to be worse. Men are often more direct and able to tolerate directness. Women are more prone to expect people to follow unspoken codes. They are also more likely to exclude. I was excluded once from a What's App group. It was pathetic! It was literally playground level behaviour from women in their 30s to 50s!

I've reached the magical age and stage where I have very few fucks to give. I tend to find my tribe wherever I go and as someone else said, they tend to be the quirky and less NT types. They're generally more honest, creative, expressive and interesting.

I agree shinysquirrel.

I've always been low-level bullied and called weird and laughed at but that was usually as people got to know me, then found me to be grating. When meeting new people, I find that they only react positively toward me when I mask to the hilt, by which I mean act like someone else entirely. I turn into an over-the-top stand up comedian and it's absolutely exhausting. However, since lockdown, I have zero tolerance for discomfort and can't mask like I used to, so I've experienced far more people responding curtly/pulling faces/generally avoiding me.

Although, I'm not sure what chance I have with strangers considering my best friend of ten years recently admitted (while her inhibitions were chemically lowered 🌱) that she thought I was "thick" when she first met me. People have called me the "walking thesaurus" since I was a child, I'm currently doing a PhD, and I'm usually accused of being posh/stuck-up (I'm absolutely not! I just have an overly formal speech pattern, very common in autistics) so being told I can come across as "thick" adds a new insecurity to my dislike of meeting new people.

People can be awful.
I heard my boss say she to colleagues she cant take much more of me.
Weirdly though I'm one of the hardest working ones and actually love working which is more than can be said for the others.

@amusedbush I do the overly smiley fucking hilarious comedian/clown thing too. Without masking my face has a very severe RBF and I think it causes others to be intimidated 😂 I've started to realise that I don't care anymore. I will talk as I want to talk and if something is funny or worth joking about I will, but even if people still think I'm a joke I am no longer everyone's clown.