Meltdown at the school summer fair

[ClemFandango1]

Had a horrible meltdown on Fri - DD was chucking herself on the floor crying, everything was so hot and crowded, it was all just too much.

I've spent the last days exhausted and highly distressed.
I don't know how to cope if I can't even do something so every day and simple. I can't explain to anyone else how awful this feels for me.
I hate myself so much; I wish I could kill the autistic part of me. I'm so angry at myself for being so useless, I've been struggling to see how I can look after myself, let alone single parent my DC.
This is no life for anyone, but I can't get out without hurting others.
I know my parents think I'm being weak and pathetic when I talk about not being able to cope, or avoiding things because I'll be overwhelmed. Their view is very much 'you may not want to, but you have to get on with it'.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what value I hold. I don't know how to carry on, feeling like this. Nobody believes I am struggling as much as I am, yet everyone says 'reach out for help'.

Firstly it sounds like you are in a bad place right now. Please, if there is anybody in real life you can reach if you feel so down, then talk, if not and you need it, there are helplines and even ranting everything out here can help.

It sounds like heat is a trigger for you.

I have always hated summer and it's only since getting my Autism diagnosis that I realise the connection between getting too hot and it immediately causing my anxiety to rise. Being able to recognise that it is "only" the heat, that it's not something more sinister can help me manage it a little better.

In hindsight, you both should have bailed on the event earlier. Give yourself the grace to not attend every damn thing school does. My children's school has a week long event this week, I've told them they can do it at lunch time, under no circumstances are we doing any day after school at it. End of story.

As for not managing "simple things"... I saw a great analogy the other day about living life being Autistic.
It's like playing a computer game with other people, they keep telling you it's easy, why can't you just do it? Then you find out they have it on the Easy setting, being Autistic means you have it on the Extreme setting but nobody can see the difference.

Your parents sound "old school" and possibly in denial. Were you late diagnosed by any chance? Perhaps they need some education on aspects of Autism.

You can reach for verbal (well, you know what mean!) support here.

Thanks @WeirdPookah !
I really like that analogy.
Yes, diagnosed 2021 and they had a hard enough time adjusting to my having OCD.

Kid a has another school 'fun day's Sunday and I'm dreading it! Maybe as I don't have kid b I can just camp somewhere and let him run around.

I feel a bit more hopeful today but it really scares me how much a meltdown takes out of me.
Heat is definitely a trigger. I wish I could move to northern Sweden.

My handbag contains:

• sunglasses
• earplugs designed for musicians, they reduce noise rather than removing it
• fidget toy

In hot weather, also:

• sun hat
• light cotton scarf that I can use to shade myself with
• fan, as in the folding spanish or chinese type

It is OK to know your limits. It is OK to take a break from all the people. It is OK to leave early.

You are a valuable person. Don't listen to.the lies your parents are telling you.

It takes a while to adjust to diagnosis.