Not coping

[Savemyusernamenow]

I have autism. No official diagnosis. Two children and now a single mum with very little help. I took their dad for his word when he pushed for a second and said he would always support me and them, and would do the main care but that was a lie.

I feel like I'm struggling to cope. I feel let down, I work full time and am very good at my job but it takes a lot of masking and each evening and by the weekend I'm exhausted.

I love my children but honestly I find the noise overwhelming, playgrounds, and bedtimes overwhelming, constant chatter need for hugs and cuddles, to sit on my lap and sleep in my bed overwhelming. I find garish toys in bright colours overwhelming but my DC love them and the constant mummy mummy mummy even if I'm in the bathroom too much. I find the crying, squabbling and whinging overwhelming and that they want me to do everything with them overwhelming. I find the unpredictability of their behaviour is something I struggle to cope with. The no I don't need to go to the toilet and the absolutely desperate once they get in the car. The nursery run is a shambles.

I see groups of mums everywhere smiling and laughing with each other, and people genuinely enjoying motherhood. I see single mums getting on with it and doing brilliantly. I just don't know how to get to that. I haven't even brushed my hair today. Sometimes I just sit in my car, with them both asleep in the back. Just to get a minutes respite. Any advice on how to cope?

I'm so sorry you're struggling. I can't imagine how you're managing to get through the day as it all sounds incredibly difficult.

I'm also sorry that I have no advice or coping strategies to pass on. I chose not to have children as I knew early on that I wouldn't be able to manage/cope. Reading your post (and other posts like yours) hits home just how challenging it must be.

I have a question - do you have any family who would be able to provide childcare so you get a few hours respite? Or your ex, doesn't he have the children at all?

I hope someone else comes along and gives some coping strategies/tips.

Sorry to hear this. It sounds difficult. I'm in a similar position. Have two children and separating soon.
I find planning ahead is a must. I have to put clothes out the evening before.
I meal plan.
I use after-school clubs as much as I can and try not to have mum guilt about it. If I'm less stressed I'll be a better mum.

How old are yours?

No diagnosis here but I feel very similarly to you. The noise and the touching and the constantly being needed is just too much sometimes. I don’t mind the colours of the toys but the mess upsets me. We have loud extrovert extended family too who I love but often find just too much. Last week I had a melt down half way through the half term.

However I'm married to their father and not doing it on my own. It must be extremely hard. I wish I had some magic advice I could give you but I don't really, except perhaps to make the most of when they're asleep. Not to do everything, but to really rest in whatever way works for you. And if you have options for external help, do take it. As they get older (sounds like mine are slightly older than yours) they do need you physically less, if that's any consolation.

Disclaimer: I have no kids so these are my general coping strategies for "too much everything".

In my handbag are sunglasses and ear plugs. If you have prescription glasses, get Fitovers or similar. Sunglasses reduce light and colour.

If you can take sensory breaks at work, do so. If your job is a very "people" job, try to get a different one that requires less interaction.

Shop at Lidl or Aldi, they don't play music. If you need something from Tesco or Asda, go during "quiet time", these times are published on their websites.

If you can send the DCs to exDP for one evening or afternoon per week, that gives you some "you" time.

Guessing, based on described behaviour, that they are pre-schoolers?