ASD or social anxiety?

[Apricotton]

Apologies for another ‘am I autistic’ post. I know you can’t diagnose, but I’d value your opinion.

I’m starting to think that I may be autistic. However I’m not sure if it’s social anxiety instead.

I can recognise and understand other people’s feelings and intentions. I understand sarcasm, body language and tone of voice. I know if someone is getting bored. I do think I can ‘read’ people quite well. I enjoy fiction and can ‘see’ the characters in my head. I don’t take things literally.

But, I’m useless at making friends and hanging onto them. I’m very anxious socially and often feel that I’m missing the rule book. There’s certain simple social situations that I really don’t know how to handle. People don’t warm to me. I smile and I think I’m a nice person, but there’s clearly something off-putting about me.

Surprisingly, I’m good at interviews. I think it’s because it’s a very structured environment with clear rules. Unfortunately I’m useless at social gatherings and prefer to hide in the kitchen. I ruminate over social interactions and pick holes in how I handled them. I’m terrible for catastrophising.

I did the AQ test and got 31. I looked at Samantha Craft’s checklist and most applied to me. I do have interests I’m passionate about. I recall that as a child, I was more ‘into’ a specific interest than other children. I remember using slightly ‘bigger’ words at school and other children not understanding and having to change my language a bit.

I have OCD traits (not diagnosed) and have had depression on and off for much of my life. I have a tendency to overshare and I’ve realised I use it as a tool to empathise. I’m working on that though.

I hate crowded places. I don’t like bright lights on in the evening. I’d say it’s likely I have misophonia. I used to be really fussy about the fit of certain types of clothing when I was a child. I also used to (still do) like certain foods not to touch on a plate.

I don’t think I’ve had meltdowns, but potentially have had shutdowns of some form. One weird thing happened when I got my exam results. I opened the envelope and couldn’t read or understand the results. It’s like a bit of brain was refusing to work at that point. I had to get a friend to tell me what grades I had got.

Lastly, I have an autistic child and another, fairly close, relative has ASD.

Well done if you made it this far. Am I being ridiculous to think I might be autistic?

I’m autistic and your post describes me. I don’t like crowds or bright lights or noise. I’m very creative and imaginative, very high functioning and intelligent. I understand sarcasm and body language and tone of voice. Unfortunately that means I understand when people don’t want to be around me, which is most of the time. I don’t know why they don’t want to be around me though. I suffer from depression, mostly because of decades of social rejection. I recommend you get tested.

Look at the diagnostic criteria rather then thinking of 'traits' - I found it really helpful

Thank you both for your responses. I’ve looked at the criteria and I’m still unsure. I do feel confident that I have at least some ASD traits, but of course that doesn’t necessarily mean that a person is Autistic. Maybe I’m just socially awkward and a bit quirky.

I recognise a lot of what you describe in myself op. I am not diagnosed but my assessment is very soon. I just did the AQ out of curiosity and got 37 - I think the questions are definitely more male orientated and don't even mention sensory issues (of which I have many). I too found the Samatha Craft list useful.

I've been reading a book called Watching the English recently - it is essentially an anthropological study of English culture and is eye opening. Whilst I recognise a lot of what is described as social bonding chat, I hadn't realised that these were unwritten social RULES - things like women complimenting each other in a cycle where a compliment is given, then batted away in a self deprecating fashion and a return compliment issued and men doing what outwardly appears like boasting about their cars, jobs, etc, when they are actually just bonding. I see these things happen, have always thought they were a bit stupid and have never got involved in it - if someone compliments me I just say thank you, which is apparently quite the faux pas 😬. And I think this may just be the tip of the iceberg!

I can relate to a lot of what you say I’m your post. I’m also good at interviews because of the structure. I’m useless at unstructured social settings and socially in general.

People don’t warm to me. I’ve been at my work place for 9 years and don’t feel like I have made a single friend.

I feel like I have autistic traits but not sure if I would meet enough of them to get a diagnosis.

I have always felt different to others. It’s possible you’re autistic - I think I am or are part of the “broad autistic phenotype”

Thanks for the replies.

Nosykids- I know what you mean about compliments. I’m never sure how best to react. I used to disagree with the compliment, but then read it was better to accept it gracefully. I don’t like to return a compliment immediately as I feel it seems fake and like I’m only giving a compliment because I’ve just been complimented. But then it feels awkward and I’m starting to think I should compliment them in return immediately. I’ll then go home and ruminate on the conversation for days and pick apart how badly I handled it.

Then there’s the ‘how are you?’ said by people who don’t want an answer and don’t actually care how you are. I don’t like the fakeness.

MumofOne1789- Totally get what you mean about the workplace. I’ve had incidents of bullying, but I do think I’ve generally been liked and respected as a colleague. , But, I don’t make friends at work. I’m terrible at making friends in general.

Broader autistic phenotype- yes, that sounds like a good way of putting it. I do think it’s highly likely that I’m neurodivergent in some way, but in exactly what way, I don’t know.

Ha - yes, exactly the same sort of thought processes re compliments. I THINK we are supposed to give one back, although I totally agree it's fake and weird - it's like a strange social dance that I don't know the steps to. I see the things, but don't understand the point of them. I like who I am and don't want to change, although it has taken me 40 years to reach that point!

The compliments thing: I was basically told by a close friend when I was about 22 or 23 that I needed to pay more compliments. Until then I didn't pay compliments unless I really truly meant it (eg I thought someone's dress was particularly lovely) or I knew a friend was a feeling low and needed to hear something good about themselves. The idea that you just give compliments on a daily basis as part of everyday female social interaction, even if you don't really mean them that much, had never occurred to me.

Ps also not diagnosed but fairly confident I fall in the broader autism phenotype category.

I'm also good at Interviews because of the structure and the expectations of how to interact with the panel are pretty clear.

Same here.Diagnosed with social anxiety and crowded places put me in a spin so I've spent too much time at work.Same here great at interviews yet I oversharer and have a real need to tell the truth.
I like certain routines regarding mornings and eves otherwise I'm spontaneous.

Thanks for the tip- I’ll try to get in with my compliment first, Emiliaofnewmoon.

Sometimes I think that employers have been disappointed once I’m in the job and I’m not quite like my confident interview self. Oh, and I hate work social stuff.

And yes to telling the truth! Im capable of fibbing, but if you ask my opinion on something, you will get the truth. Sometimes people look a bit shocked….

Yes, work socials... never know where I'm meant to put myself or what I'm meant to say.

Always avoided the Christmas parties.

I always assumed I was just anxious, a loner and depressed. I got married and had children. Then I got my autism diagnosis.

If I knew then I
Probs my wouldn't have done those things as I can't cope with it. In in the middle of my mum and h. Mum and kids. Kids and h.

I can't cope. I need quiet and calm and when I flip I look insane and it gets turned on me.

I'd go for a diagnosis but I think it's made me worse. People say I'm
Blaming everything on my diagnosis.

Dd is waiting on an autism assessment and my mum said this morning she's not normal 😥