Not sure if this is the right place to post, so apologies if it isn't.
I'm really struggling atm and don't have anywhere to turn in real life. I have two ds, eldest has asd, spd, anxiety and is recovering from a period of depression. Youngest is doing okay but showing some signs of trauma related anxiety, due to what he has been through regarding his older brothers mental health. On the whole we work well as a family unit, both myself and my partner support our children.
However, my partner has significant needs himself, which he refuses to get any help for. He has chronic sleep difficulties and struggles socially, to the point where it is massively impacting his ability to parent. I don't see the possibility of him being neurodiverse as a negative (but he does), but I do think he needs some support. But if I mention it, he accuses me of attacking him, of implying he is a rubbish father etc... which is not what I am trying to do.
It all came to a head last night, due to a date change for one event, our sons both have events they need to be at on the same day, in different places. But he is refusing to help, says one is too early and it would be dangerous for him to drive on so little sleep and says the other (which involves giving my sons friends a lift as well) will be too socially draining for him.
I just want him to see, that it's not normal for it to impact him that much, to the point that he can't support his children and that reaching out for help is okay. I want him to be able to manage situations, so it's not always on me. He sees how hard our son works, with cbt, sleep therapy and so much more- why can't he at least try the same?
Sorry this is such a ramble, I feel super lost and I've done years of adapting to manage his needs, years of changing me to help him. The compromise is always one sided, but he says it isn't. He can't see how much hurt he causes, can't see other people's views at all, mostly tells me I'm wrong, or emotional or fussing about nothing. Can't see why we should take our children anywhere, because his parents never did.