Parents with NT children

Meixo · 2023-05-21T10:26:53+00:00

Me and DH are both on the spectrum , DD is NT and extroverted . Can anyone give me tips on parenting a NT child.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 21/05/2023 13:13

No sorry @Meixo, I only wish I could. I suspect I have ASD but am also extroverted, and yes, I know that doesn't mean I'm not on the spectrum

DC1, who I thought was NT turned out to have inattentive ADHD diagnosed as an adult.

francesthebadger · 21/05/2023 13:28

Damian Milton (of the double empathy problem) is worth reading on this. In a nutshell, for heterogenous (eg. ND & NT) relationships, he suggests mitigating on both sides with humility, ceding power and a focus on building relationships. And a recognition that this will take time, space, effort.

BottomleyPotsSpots · 03/06/2023 04:58

@Meixo I'm pretty sure I'm NT and my mother is autistic. I found it very hard, the things that made it difficult for me were that expressing emotions was always discouraged. There was little affection (spontaneous hugs, smiles, I love you's). We weren't taught any social skills or words for feelings. She now seems very disinterested in me and never phones. Doesn't ask me anything about my work etc. and has literally never in my life asked me how I am feeling or what I think about something. Thinks I am "difficult' because I'm not the same as her.

I would say be open about your autism, share your thoughts and be able to listen to your DD express her feelings without getting defensive and trying to shut her down.

nosykids · 04/06/2023 09:25

Firstly, I wouldn't assume she is NT - she may well be, but don't make the assumption that extraversion = NT. I was a very confident, outgoing child and am almost certainly ND - sadly, a lot of the confidence was beaten out of me (literally, on two occasions) through years of social rejection. I always seemed to have 'friends' but they were often quietly bullying or manipulating me. You are in danger of assuming she will be ok as she doesn't outwardly share your difficulties. So I would keep an eye on her from that point of view.

If she is NT I don't have any tips, sorry! All my dc are autistic.

Original poster

Meixo · 04/06/2023 09:52

nosykids · 04/06/2023 09:25

Firstly, I wouldn't assume she is NT - she may well be, but don't make the assumption that extraversion = NT. I was a very confident, outgoing child and am almost certainly ND - sadly, a lot of the confidence was beaten out of me (literally, on two occasions) through years of social rejection. I always seemed to have 'friends' but they were often quietly bullying or manipulating me. You are in danger of assuming she will be ok as she doesn't outwardly share your difficulties. So I would keep an eye on her from that point of view.

If she is NT I don't have any tips, sorry! All my dc are autistic.

She definitely is NT. She's a born leader, she leads her friends and social groups but not in a nasty way, she can read peoples feelings . She has amazing social skills advanced even for a NT person of that age. I was so naive I wanted friends but couldn't read when people were using me or didn't like me.
She's a superstar, I'm so proud of her.

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Original poster

Meixo · 04/06/2023 09:57

BottomleyPotsSpots · 03/06/2023 04:58

@Meixo I'm pretty sure I'm NT and my mother is autistic. I found it very hard, the things that made it difficult for me were that expressing emotions was always discouraged. There was little affection (spontaneous hugs, smiles, I love you's). We weren't taught any social skills or words for feelings. She now seems very disinterested in me and never phones. Doesn't ask me anything about my work etc. and has literally never in my life asked me how I am feeling or what I think about something. Thinks I am "difficult' because I'm not the same as her.

I would say be open about your autism, share your thoughts and be able to listen to your DD express her feelings without getting defensive and trying to shut her down.

I am aware of my difficulties. I can mask really well I've done some things to adjust for her , I allow lots of friends, sleepovers but when I start feeling overwhelmed after dinner I vacate upstairs they have the lounge and I watch TV in my bedroom, listen to music.
Second she likes to have chats every evening for hours on end about her feelings and day just to me not to DH. I require solitude after a certain amount of time as I'm all socialised from work.

I give her advice if she wants and we chat but then about 8-9pm I say to DD I need downtime now and she's very understanding. DH has more classical autism so he's not able to do ping pong conversation.
I can and we have a really good relationship , we have lots of wonderful conversations but I have trained myself very well over the years.

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Original poster

Meixo · 04/06/2023 09:58

I like hugs and physical affection a lot , dd has stopped wanting that as much.

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BottomleyPotsSpots · 04/06/2023 10:03

It sounds like you are doing a great job of being her Mum and meeting her emotional needs.

EastLifer · 25/09/2023 23:20

Your description of your daughter sounds like me as a child.. I just got diagnosed with ADHD and a large number of autistic traits at 43. ...

Scratchybaby · 26/09/2023 07:43

I haven't read the Double Empathy book yet, but I would absolutely suspect that, just like NT adults parenting ND children, it's about meeting the individual where they're at as much as you can, and being aware of the fact that the way that you experience the world will be different from the way they do and be willing to accept and support that. I'm NT as far as I'm aware (though with an ND son) and I strongly suspect my dad was also ND now, given everything I've since learned about autism. It was not a pleasant experience as a child and I grew up learning how to tiptoe around what I look back now and see as meltdowns caused by sensory differences, and different interpretations of pretty much all social situations. Our house growing up was probably a case study for why greater understanding and empathy on both sides of the neurodiversity coin benefits EVERYONE.

You on the other hand sound lovely, and the fact that you want to be proactive in navigating the ND/NT differences is probably 99% of the battle. I wish my dad had the benefit of a diagnosis and awareness of his (or to put it another way - our) sensory and communication differences so that we could have both recognised situations where it was our ND/NT differences causing the issue and talked about it and found solutions, rather than the difficult relationship we ended up having.