Haircuts and people with autism

[Mumteedum]

I hope it is ok to ask for some thoughts here. I'm NT but my son is autsitic. His diagnosis says he has what used to be referred to as Asperger's but I know that term is not used now.

Anyway he is 12 and haircuts are getting increasingly stressful for him and for me. We go to a barber now and I thought this would suit him. Music less loud. Over fast. The barber is v chilled and understanding..no clippers. No hairdryer.

But last time,.my son was upset because he 'didnt feel right ' after and said he didn't look like him. So I figured perhaps it would help to just have regular trims at back and sides and let top stay longer. So kind of more often but smaller changes. I discussed this with DS.

Today he was really upset after for same reasons and wanted to go straight home and not see anyone.

Can anyone help me understand what might help? My son said he didn't know how to explain or understand himself really. I don't mind if he has long hair even but I think this would draw attention to him and he's already had bullying problems at school.

Does this sound familiar to anyone? Is there anything you do as adults or would have wanted as teens that helps with this kind of stress ?

I haven't got a boy but my DD is exactly the same,her hair looks awful mind due to refusal,I've have said she may get bullied over it but she doesn't care enough to let it get done.

My son absolutely hates haircuts and it was the number one source of meltdowns when younger. Now he's 12 he's able to articulate that it feels like losing or cutting off a part of him. He has agreed to go every school holiday as the thought of not fitting in is worse than threat of scissors now. I'm not sure what the answer is, I guess talking about it is the thing that helped DS and lots of reassurance.

I'm autistic and last went to a hairdresser in late June 1989. I trim it myself when it needs it; I need to be in control. This works because I have longish hair. If your DS doesn't want long hair and it is the element of being in control he needs, would he be able to use a clipper on himself? If he's happy with it long I would just leave it long, plenty of boys/men have it long at the moment. It's easy to trim off your own split ends if you have long hair so he could do this himself with any decent scissors.

Thanks for replying.

@BoardLikeAMirror his hair is short just now. I said he could have long hair if he wants. My worry is that he'll draw attention to himself and bullying is not great at his school. Also he has pretty thick and curly hair. Mine grew out and not down when I was a kid 🙈

He seems happy today and quite likes his hair now he's adjusted to it. We spoke and he thinks it's the sudden change he finds hard.

@AceofPentacles that's a really interesting thought and makes sense.

I'll chat to him a bit more before going again.

I don't think he'd cope with clippers or cutting his own just yet. He doesn't like the sound of clippers at all.

If he is unsettled by the sound of the clippers, could he wear earplugs just whilst they are in use? Even just muting ones, so he could still hear what was being said etc in case that worried him about being spoken too and missing it. Or you could agree on, say tapping his knee for attention if he needs to listen and talk?

I sympathise, I can remember every time I've ever been to the hairdressers, it's so few and it was always pretty awful except one (very expensive) place.

My ds is 14 and very articulate too, which can be a blessing but at times leaves me completely stumped.

I’ve found returning to the issue and being able to help him notice how his reaction changes over time is helpful.

After several instances like this, I’m now able to ask him if, the current BIG THING might turn out to be one of those things that becomes less distressing afterwards (and refer to other things like when we switched to a new type of joggers)

Don’t underestimate the power of listening and acknowledging his feelings and validating him. But it doesn’t have to be the end; we can still do hard things.

But…

Is long hair really such a stand out issue at school? There have always been at least 2 boys in my dc’ classes with longish hair from preschool onwards.

If he’s being bullied, the length of his hair is neither here nor there and that needs tackling directly.