Hi,
I’ve always felt a bit purposeless in life and that I’ve struggled with so many things. It’s not until lately that I’ve considered there might be something more to it.
I will list some examples - I wondered if anyone could relate?
- I’m incredibly impulsive, I’ll often act without thinking of longer term consequences. Once my head ‘clicks’ and pops out an idea, I can’t stop obsessively thinking about it until I’ve actioned it and decide whether it’s a sensible/good idea much later. I struggle to listen to sensible reason but I’m much worse when I’m with someone who ‘enables’ me on my impulsive missions! I can recognise when something is right / wrong but knowing something is wrong doesn’t seem to help me not do it in lots of instances (not criminal, just shitty things to do).
E.G. One day it suddenly appeared in my head I wanted another dog. DH was against the idea but I couldn’t shake the idea. Within the space of one lunchtime at work, with a colleague who was egging me on, talking to me about how I could find it (I had most of the money) and offering to take me to view one, I’d been messaging a litter, applied for a small loan to top up the amount I had, arranged to go and then a few days later, after work, upped with this colleague, travelled miles and turned back up at home with a new puppy. I’m aware I sound like an absolute d**k for that, but I genuinely couldn’t stop it, it was almost like I blinked and it had all happened.
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I’m very much a people pleaser, I hate letting anyone down and probably say yes to or go along with things for others, rather than what I want. I even got married in my very early 20’s when I really didn’t want to, because I was so concerned about the money people had paid towards it and that everyone else was expecting it to happen.
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I feel rejection very deeply and constantly analyse my interactions with people afterwards, poring over what I had said and getting pangs of anxiety almost. I remember even analysing the amount of kisses people sent to me on a message when I was a lot younger.
If I feel rejection or that someone has been sharp with me, it feels like an initial ‘pang’ which I can then physically feel radiate through my body.
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Struggle to be friends with females. Always got on much better with males as I feel I know where I am with them.
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Something going wrong or off plan feels like the end of the world and can put me in a really upset mood. My moods are also really ‘big’ - I’m not just upset, I’m ragingly angry - I’ve thrown things, slammed doors, broken a few things too over the years. Anger feels like a black out where a snap action happens.
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I’m really outspoken and struggle to contain it at times. I react emotionally too so will often have an initial outburst based on my feelings, think later. I’ve said the wrong things in team meetings, ruined friendships by blurting out private information and have to really hold myself in to be sure I'm not speaking over people.
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I thrive in jobs where I’m constantly busy and struggle to be in jobs where there’s less to do and start feeling I have to leave and start over if something doesn’t go right.
I left my last job which suited me and I loved because I reported a colleague for fairly inappropriate comments based on how emotional I felt initially. This then got investigated which wasn’t taken kindly to and I convinced myself everyone hated me for it so I had to leave.
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I can sit for hours without realising, aimlessly opening / refreshing the same apps on my phone.
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I really struggle with decision making. The question of deciding what to do on a given day is nigh on impossible for me which then results in me getting more and more worked up, irritable and bored at being in the house.
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I love being out of the house though, doing something and spending money. I have to have and always need a stockpile of things. I couldn’t just see something had ran out (toilet paper, shower gel etc) and think to go and buy new. I have to have it already there.
Online shopping is awful for me as I feel I have to have everything and cannot talk myself out of purchases.
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I get very obsessive about things / people but also will never be the one to send a message first or maintain relationships. I once listened to the same band’s 2 albums all the way to Paris on a bus because I loved them so much.
If I’m doing something I have to have everything to do with it - I once got into a bit of credit card debt buying the same riding clothes multiple times, in various colours.
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I get spurts of creativity or energy out of nowhere but if I’m not interested in something, I’m really not! I’ll often find I need to write lists to help me remember my racing thoughts and going to do one household job results in me racing around after spotting 20 more jobs that need doing at the same time.
I get really annoyed if I’m interrupted when I’m doing something.
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Really addictive with things like exercise. Aged 16 I was exercising after everything I ate and feeling my body each day to make sure I could feel bones not ‘fat’.
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I was deemed fairly intelligent at school / college but I just couldn’t revise so didn’t get the A Level grades to reflect the potential.
Sorry this is so long - I also struggle to rein myself in! Thank you for reading.
If anyone can relate to anything I experience, I’d really appreciate hearing from you.