Adult with ADHD - how do I stop my undiagnosed child self being the butt of family jokes?

[Begsthequestion]

Tl:Dr: I'm late-diagnosed ADHD and my whole life my father has made disparaging remarks/"jokes"/made up stories to tell other family members about how awful I was as a child compared to my (non-adhd) sister. How do I learn to cope/get him to stop?

I have ADHD and I'm the only one diagnosed as ND (and only recently) in my family. Over the years I've felt belittled at every family gathering by my father's comments about me.

He always makes insulting "jokes" or comments about how immature or annoying I was as a child. When I've asked my mother if these comments are true, either they're not, or it was not in my control anyway as I was very young.

A recent "joke" was that I was still in a push chair aged 11 (not true) and a comment that my mum couldn't attend a big award event for my sister with my dad, because she had to look after me (also not true - asked mum why she didn't just get a babysitter (I was about 9 then) and she told me she didn't actually want to go (she had severe anxiety at the time) so we both stayed behind).

Other regular anecdotes include how I complained of being thirsty too much (this was back when no one carried bottled water and I was genuinely thirsty). And how as a little kid I was too noisy, or too energetic, basically very hard work in comparison to my quiet, studious sister (which is probably true, because I was very young at this time, from 3-6 years old, and had severe, untreated ADHD and it was before I had learned to mask).

I've wondered if I'm being oversensitive to these comments. But after decades on repeat and never hearing him say anything disparaging or even "jokes" about my sister, I feel picked on. Mostly these comments come out when he's praising her first, and then contrasting her with me. And my sister doesn't get involved either, she doesn't make comments like this at all and doesn't encourage it as far as I know.

I've always laughed them off with everyone else, but now I'm older and realise how very young I was in these anecdotes, I feel sad for my child self. I know I was struggling to "be good" the whole time and was unable to control these situations when I was apparently an awful child. I used to cry myself to sleep regularly thinking there was something wrong with me but not knowing what, because of the undiagnosed ADHD. I think this whole dynamic, with me being ND and my symptoms being voiced repeatedly in public, throughout my life, as personal failings by someone who is supposed to have my back, has helped damage my self esteem, which has always been very low.

Nowadays it still puts me a bit on edge at family gatherings because I know these comments are guaranteed to come out about how inferior I was/am compared to my sister. In these moments I feel like a burden and overall disliked. I feel angry and disappointed that my own father would speak about me like this.

Does anyone have any insight on why a father might do this - maybe this is normal family behaviour? I'm not sure. He does insist he loves me but it feels like he doesn't like me much. I also heard him on the phone recently with my uncle (his brother) and he was clearly asked how we are, and he just said I was fine and then gave a long update about my sister and the great things she is doing.

Is this about me having ADHD or something else? And should I just ignore it now my parents are pretty old, or is there a way to explain how much it hurts me without causing lots of conflict? I'm due to attend a big family event this year and I know I'm going to have to hear it all then, possibly multiple times with different people present, ones I've not even met before. Deep down I'm very angry and hurt about how he's treated me and I'm not sure how to best deal with it.

I know this is long but I really needed to get it out. Big thanks if you've read this far x

So sorry to read this; it must be so hurtful. I don’t know why on earth some parents do this sort of thing other than there just seem to be weird fictions in families about various members, needing to box them off into ‘the one who does….’ Or ‘the academic one…’. It’s not remotely helpful. You don’t mention whether your dad accepts ADHD is actually a real and diagnosable condition - some people can’t/won’t accept neurodivergence, perhaps it scares them. There are actually two issues here: being the butt of his ‘jokes’ and feeling your sister is the favourite. You can take this in various directions, including calling him out when it happens, though that kind of confrontation might not get you what you want. You could find a way to talk to your dad alone (the comments seem to happen with an audience) and explain calmly that the comments aren’t funny and hurt your feelings, that you have ADHD and always have, and that you want to feel accepted by him. You could tell him that in future, if he starts saying things in company, you will leave. You would need to be prepared to follow this through firmly and consistently. He may not realise how much this hurts you if you have always laughed along in the past. I can imagine that undiagnosed ADHD and family dynamics are a hard mix. He might even feel some guilt if your diagnosis wasn’t picked up early and be in denial. You won’t know unless you talk to him. As to feeling your sister is favourite, he is likely to deny it if you confront him with it, or tell you that you are being over-sensitive. It’s great your sister has your back. Maybe you could also speak to her privately and explain the impact on you? Bottom line: you don’t owe your parents the power to upset you, but I’d give them the opportunity to understand that they are hurting you and that you want this to stop.

Meant to add….there is always the ‘oh God, dad’s telling those old stories AGAIN’ followed by eye roll and conspiratorial giggle between you and sister. ‘Come on, dad, you’re repeating yourself, and we all know none of these things actually happened, don’t we? What’s he like!’

Thanks so much for your replies. It's good to hear you don't think I'm being too sensitive. I've been accused of that so many times growing up, it can be hard to gauge whether I am justified in being hurt by something.

Unfortunately my sister is not really an ally to me in this, more like a bystander. She doesn't encourage him anymore but growing up she would join in with my dad in baiting then mocking me until I would leave the room in tears, and then they'd laugh at me for being so sensitive. It was quite regular evening entertainment for our dad. He would always bait me with his terrible opinions ("devils advocate" type stuff knowing I was anti-racism/sexism/homophobia) and then call me stupid or ridiculous for not agreeing. He would move the goalposts and wear me down with insults and laugh at me until I was so overwhelmed with hurt, confusion and general negative emotion I couldn't stand it. Sometimes my mum would join in too, or else she'd go upstairs and leave us to it. I always suspected that it wasn't right to do that to a kid, and occasionally he would apologise to get me to come out of my bedroom again. He often said he was doing it to "make me better at debating" but it took me years to realise that he's actually unable to have a real debate. Ad hominem, straw men, moving goal posts and gaslighting ARE not actually real debating techniques! Finally in recent years I realised that surely I'm not the problem - grown adults should not be amused by their sobbing children and goad them until they break down in tears.

I don't think my sister likes me either, mainly because of this stuff growing up, and because she usually laughs at hearing anything I'm doing (hobbies etc) so she is not someone I feel I can confide in now. I would definitely be the one criticised by all if I reacted in the moment in any way other than laughing these comments off as great jokes at my expense. "Fawn" has become my default response in these kinds of situations.

As for ADHD, my mum is extremely supportive of me and helped me get a diagnosis but actually my dad has never said a word to me about it. I don't actually know if he believes in it or not! Never thought about that before. I don't know if I want to ask him about it because the answer could be very painful to hear. My mum is trying to work out which of them might have ADHD as it's often hereditary - I suspect my dad is ND and maybe ADHD because he always worked full time but essentially avoided all life tasks that require executive function to manage, making my mother do it all (all childcare, cleaning, cooking, gardening, family birthdays cards, most paperwork etc). Perhaps he's trying to distance himself from my ADHD behaviour by criticising it because he sees it in himself? I might mention the comments to my mum and ask her to watch out for them next time we're in company, to see what she thinks.

I am so used to thinking I deserve to be mocked that I do wonder if it sounds weird to other people when he does that. The last scenario I described in my OP was when I met my sister's new partner - we spent ages praising her and how great she was as a kid, which I have no problem with doing, as it keeps the conversation off me - but then of course the digs against me came, seemingly out of nowhere, and I wonder if to an outsider it seemed obvious, or strange.

What you have described your dad doing to you as a child is bullying and you rightly point out it is not at all acceptable, especially not to a child. As a child you have very few ways to manage this behaviour from parents. As an adult you can choose to walk away from it. As you say, neurodivergence does run in families and your dad might have picked on qualities in you that he saw in himself and couldn’t accept in himself. It sounds wise not to engage with him on sensitive subjects, and it sounds like other family members are acting as they do out of a similar motive, which is to avoid conflict.

Thanks. I spoke to my mum about it and while at first she did try to play it down she said she would look out for it next time. Given further examples, she seemed to understand. I asked her straight - how come he regularly makes mean jokes at both our expense (calling her ugly when she's a catch and he has always known that, and me stupid even though I have the academic credentials to prove I'm not), and yet we've never, ever heard him say a single criticism or joke at my sister's expense? That seemed to strike a chord and she's going to speak to him about it soon when I'm not there.

I'm very grateful for her support and I just hope she can get through to him. At least if he keeps doing it, it will become very obvious to all involved from now on. It's strange because he's very caring towards me in other ways but he can never resist bringing up how great she is in comparison to me so it's just so confusing. Like his bad words don't match his good actions.

@Begsthequestion one of key aspects that lead to me researching ADHD was when I found out a key trait is emotional sensitivity.

Yes I've read a lot about RSD etc.

How is your post connected to mine btw?

I was researching something unrelated earlier (for a piece of fiction I'm writing, and came across this: https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/bad-parents-are-you-one.htm

Oh dear, basically describes many aspects of how I've been treated my whole life. Validating but a bit sad at the same time. I honestly don't think he means to be like this.

You mention being over sensitive.

I talk about being told I'm too sensitive when I object to verbal abuse.

I don't think it's the same thing.

How sensitive you are is how sensitive you are, other people should respect that not denigrate you for it.

(I'm on your side)

Indeed. From what I've read recently, including the link in my post above, the behaviour I experienced was verbal and psychological abuse. Is that a dynamic you recognise in your own family? I used to blame myself for getting upset by it, because I was told that was my fault, but actually it's bad parenting to do that to any child/person, no matter how sensitive or otherwise.

Just wanted to say you’re not alone - I’m sure I’m ND and looking into assessment/diagnosis and my mum does this all the time in relation to things I now recognise are related to me being ND. I feel as though I’ve spent much of my life being the butt of family jokes and the “problem”. This isn’t a recent thing - I remember taking a university boyfriend home in my very early 20s who was not famed for his compassion, shall we say, and one of his first observations was that he thought my family bullied me.

In my mum’s case, I think there’s something there about separating herself from me in terms of her being a good parent - kind of like “look at me, I’m a great parent, not my fault my DC was hard work, can you imagine parenting her?”. There is also a sense that I need to fit in with the rest of the family - I have siblings who are NT.

I also wonder if there’s an element of ND in my mum, perhaps in terms of not realising how things land with an audience. I hope that doesn’t sound offensive - it might not have anything to do with being ND. There are plenty of NT people with spectacular absence of self-awareness!

I’m sorry you’re experiencing this and it’s great your DM recognises and acknowledges it.

Oh, and the thirst thing - what is it about 1980s parents and taking almost nothing to drink in days out?!

@Begsthequestion not abuse as such, but definitely damaging. To massively generalise I was made to feel really inadequate because I didn't live up to expectationsz

Do you say your age anywhere?
Are you 21 or 51?
I wonder, if you are 51, how you keep being at family events near your DF in a situation where he can publicly mock you.
I think I would stay well away from him, leave early, walk away if you see him coming etc

Can you not attend and tell them why?

He could easily be adhd himself, does he drink or smoke? Or be borderline autistic because constantly picking on and mocking one person is not funny over time. He should see that.

Thanks for your reply. Sorry you've had to put up with this stuff too.

Yeah I'm not sure about my dad's attitude towards parenting me, compared with your mum's, because he didn't get very involved in the practical stuff like that - he was the breadwinner and behaved as though by 5pm hometime his entire family duty was fulfilled.

But I do get the sense that he doesn't think anything I do is good enough, like he's made up my mind that I'm defective, and should be reminded of that whenever I try to achieve something. I remember a few years ago before my ADHD diagnosis, I signed up for coaching to help me get a big creative project finished and I stupidly got excited about the prospect and mentioned it to him - he couldn't even feign positivity about it. Just said "is that normal?" What was I supposed to say in response - no dad, I'm just especially thick?! Really took the wind out my sails! I have given up telling him about stuff I do outside paid work now.

I do suspect he's ND and ashamed of it, and sees those qualities in me and feels the need to shame them too.

I know right!! It finally clicked one day that it's not a very funny story to tell people, how your very young child was not given enough to drink and now 20 years later you're laughing at her for vocalising that basic, unmet need.

I pointed it out to my mum eventually, and she recently made him stop telling that story.

That must be really hard, sorry you've had to deal with that.

I'm not 21 or 51... Somewhere in the middle.

I'm not estranged from my family. I visit often and have no plans to stop.

Why should I not attend family events?! I've not done anything wrong.

Again, I'm not getting your questions... He doesn't smoke but why would that have anything to do with this?

People with ADHD often drink, smoke for the dopamine hit.
Was just wondering.

I get what you mean, I used to myself but have cut down a lot since beginning meds, don't feel like I need it like I did before. But the majority of adults I know drink or smoke or both, so I'm not sure how that balances out. I do think my dad might have ADHD or autism - perhaps that's why he criticises me so much, he might be projecting his own perceived negative traits on to me, and shaming me for them as a way to distance himself from them, or just repeating the kind of criticism he got himself as a kid.

I think your Dad sounds like the one with the problem. The only problem you have is one that afflicts all adult children at points in time. Our parents aren’t used to us not being helpless children any more.

Is it possible that your Dad feels insecure around you or thinks that you’re better than him in some way? This can cause insecure individuals to attempt to assert themselves over their adult children by reminding them of a time when they were small and helpless. Whatever the cause, it’s not your problem. Your Dad is a fully grown adult who is behaving insensitively. He wants to see you react, because for some weird reason some people enjoy getting a negative reaction, so show him a bored face.

I’m not suggesting that you reward him for his bad behaviour. But he may behave better if he starts trying to get to know you as an adult. You have new interests and a whole adult life. He is still behaving as if you are the child version of you. If you have anything in common, like a sports team perhaps, maybe bonding with him about that might help?

My Mum does this a lot. :(

Even after I point out that there's now an explanation.

So many repeated stories about how I was too chatty/clumsy/untidy/daydreamy.

I remember being embarassed as a kid, but it still makes me feel ashamed now.