Can't integrate with people at all?

[shattered25]

I don't know what's wrong with me, not diagnosed with anything. But feel perhaps on this board someone can relate and advise?

I literally can't socialise. I never have. As a child I spent my lunches with dinner ladies, by teens by myself eating lunch in the toilet cubicles 😂 as an adult it didn't bother me, but now I have a baby I feel pressure to introduce my daughter to socialising, but I don't know how to socialise her when I can't do it?

Not to mention I'm starting to feel insecure and dumb now. When it comes to music, science, work I excel but anything to do with society and I'm awful! Money, politics, law, the big debates I just don't get it at all. I see everything so weirdly.

Money = paper with digits on that people use to create order in the world. All debates I see both sides of arguments so can never partake in opinion, and thoughts I have are blunt emotionless interjections. I just have no attachments to things that seem to be peoples world. And Its never bothered me before until I've tried to start conversing with people and these things are topics. I don't know if it's me being thick? Naive or what?

I thought I was conversing ok? I would smile, do my pleasant face, say what I thought was polite with correct suitable responses but I feel so uncomfortable and awkward I gather they must feel the same 😬 it never goes anywhere. The people I start hanging out with end up being retired people, they are wonderful and I enjoy their company. But as a 30 year old new mum it's not really going to get my daughter making friends!

What do I do? Am I just a weirdo? Is it imperative for me to socialise or will my baby manage another way?

I’m autistic and I can’t socialise. I have no friends, never have. It has always made me sad. But it’s never been a problem beyond sadness - until I had a baby. Now it’s an issue because I have no friends to bring kids round to play or arrange days out. So DC has nobody to play with. I feel like shit when she’s crying because she has nobody to play with, and it’s my fault because I have no friends with kids. It wasn’t a problem when she was a baby but as she’s got older it’s become more of an issue. I try my best to arrange play dates but me being autistic puts the other parents off - they think I’m a freak so they won’t bring their kids to play with mine. On the few occasions someone has brought their kids to play it’s been excruciating for me, because I’ve had to attempt to converse with them while our kids play. You do have to try to force yourself for your kids, but it makes me so stressed and unhappy.

It was the awfulness of having to interact with other parents when my child started school that was a huge catalyst for seeking my autism diagnosis.

Plus the discovery that bullies never grow out of it and encountering them there as an adult again.

I don't really have any advice, just wanted to let you know you are not alone in feeling like this.

Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. I’m the same and have only 1 mum friend I would invite for a play date. I often feel guilty I’m not providing my DS with the social interaction he needs.

but I’ve found that my DS makes his own friends at school. He doesn’t rely on me. On the weekends we go places that have other kids I.e soft play and he can make friends. Luckily he’s quite social and can make friends easy.

Could you try that to ease some of the guilt? If your DC is pre school. I used to go to structured play groups where you literally had to sit in a circle and the toddlers could interact in the middle.

I didn’t feel like I had to make small talk with people but did if I felt comfortable. I felt like I was giving DS some social interaction without relying on me. Hated unstructured groups though.

I think I'm very likely to be ND and it really did take me a while to find some Mum friends but I'm so glad I persevered.

My advice would be to try different things, it might take you a while, but there will be other Mums like you out there.

If you like retired people, do any of the local care homes offer a Baby & Toddler morning? A couple near us will give you free and a if you go in on certain mornings and there usually one or two other parents there as well.

Just take it slowly, don't put pressure on yourself to meet a friend, look on it as chatting to colleagues only this time your common subject is babies and children rather than work.

I also wanted to say don't put too much pressure on yourself. Babies and younger toddlers need very little interaction with other children - being with you will be enough. Older toddlers will get what they need socially at nursery, if they start at the usual age.

In terms of interacting with other parents at playdates, parents tend to just drop off once they reach 5 or 6 or so. That's really a bit of a game-changer.

@WeirdPookah that's interesting. I was the same. I found the start of the school years really stressful and the time I sought a diagnosis.

Don’t force yourself to do things that make you feel uncomfortable. There will be lots of opportunities in the future to do gentle things that you are comfortable with.

I think children do learn from watching how adults relate to each other. Maybe later on, you and your child could take up an activity or hobby together that gets you out among people without having to be friends with them. (Community litter pick, keeping an allotment, bird watching etc …)

Or your child might want to take up dance lessons or join the scouts etc…

How are you getting on now @shattered25?