Criticism of my personality

[Gerrypie]

I feel so sad tonight. I am diagnosed with ADHD but also think I am on the autistic spectrum. I found out a few days ago that someone I liked said that I was "rigid, spoke in a monotone and kept going on about the same old things over and over again".

Other people have used the words "weird" and "intense" to describe me (not to my face but I found out about it). I think these sorts of traits that I have are getting more obvious as I get older (now mid forties). I just feel so ashamed of myself and wish I could be different - but I can't.

Oh, OP, i

Oops, posted too soon! I'll try again...

Oh, OP, I do feel for you.
I'm not diagnosed but strongly suspect I'm ADHD/ASD and have also been regarded by many people as being too much this, too much that, odd, intense etc. It's particularly difficult when it's someone you like who sees you in this way.

Try to remember that a kind person would not have said that about you. They may have said something like, "We're different kinds of people", but wouldn't have been so cutting or picked on individual characteristics like they did.

I'm around a decade older than you and also feel my "different" personality traits are becoming more marked. But the more I've read about ND issues and realise that I'm not alone in feeling that I don't fit in etc, the more I also realise that that doesn't mean I'm at fault. Before I always felt as if there was something fundamentelly flawed about me and that I had to somehow find a way to change... which of course I can't as it would entail rejecting the person I actually am.

Could you try to re-frame how you feel about yourself and the strengths and uniqueness you have, instead of seeing yourself through other people's eyes? It's not easy and may mean unpacking the habits of a lifetime, but would probably help. Being able to connect with people on forums like this has helped me a lot.

I hope you're able to put those unkind comments in the past.
Wishing you well.

@TreesAtSea Thank you so much for your post. I am sorry you have had similar experiences, it can feel so hurtful. I think the thing is that I am always trying so hard to monitor my behaviour and not to come across as weird, so when I realise I have come across as weird it's doubly difficult!

Those are wise words about how even if we don't fit in, it doesn't mean that we are fundamentally flawed. I needed to hear that, so thank you.

I find I tend to connect better with neurodiverse people as there often seems to be a mutual acceptance, understanding, and lack of criticism - probably because we each know how hard the other one is trying!

I know what you mean about monitoring your own behaviour. In fact I think it can be trebly difficult: the tendency to almost rehearse what to do or say beforehand, even if it only takes a split second, then the actual interaction, and lastly the internal debrief we go through afterwards, particularly if we sense it hasn't gone well. It's exhausting. I'm sure most people do all that some of the time but likely not with even the most basic of interactions.

Something I've come to realise is that my attempts to be more "normal" will usually come across as a bit "off" as it isn't genuine, and that other people sense this, even if only subconsciously. As I've got older and care less what others think, I behave a little more naturally. While that doesn't necessarily mean I get a positive response, at least I don't experience the feeling that I've gone against my true self and still been found wanting.

I agree about getting on better with others who seem ND. When I recognise my own "quirks" in others I have an inward sigh of relief!

People have bullied me for this since I was a teenager. I can sort of understand the teenagers at school picking on me because they were just kids, but I’ve also had adults in their 40s and 50s picking on me and excluding me, and that’s unforgivable. And I’ve been refused jobs because of it too, which has really knocked my self esteem. I can’t change my personality and I’ve been refused jobs over and over because of it. Sorry I can’t be more help but I know how awful it is, you’re not alone.

Those people sound very rude in my opinion.

I’m only just unpacking how much NT behaviour is like fancy birds strutting and shaking tail feathers in order to establish rank and status. All very pretty but also superficial. ND folks are more like the quiet solitary animals who don’t need to shout their power. We are inevitably going to disconcert the strutters if we look on unimpressed with a ‘nice plumage, what else have you got?’ mindset - even more confusingly, that curiosity is not usually anything other than an interest in getting past the superficial.

I'm so sorry, what incredibly rude people. Their words say far more about them than they do about you, but I know it's so hard to not internalise things like that. I too have been told I speak in a monotone and tried to mask tor years to change how I spoke, but now I don't see why I need to change for anyone. It's tough and judgemental when people can't just accept us for who we are