Somedays the loneliness is really really hard

[Noelle22]

There are days when I feel ok and others when it just hits me out of the blue. The "just join a group" advice has rarely worked for me because when I habe gone to things, a lot of the time I'm just ignored or treated badly which makes me feel so much worse about myself.

I feel sad when I hear about others going places with friends, yet nobody even wants to give me the time of day no matter how interested I am in people or their lives. It's just difficult facing that rejection all the time when I am just being myself-the only person I know who to be.

I know I'm not the only one in this situation and society is becoming more isolated anyway, but at times it's hard to just feel like the one watching life from outside all the time. Can anyone relate?

Hi Noelle22, I am so sorry that you are feeling so alone. I have often felt this way throughout my life. the feeling of loneliness can be absolutely crushing at times. There are no easy answers and I have no immediate suggestions, I just wanted you to know that you are not the only one who has to go through this experience.

The nature of loneliness tells you that you are not good enough to connect with people. it's not true though!

I have been there.

Have you looked into ways that you can make friends online first then meet up in person? That's what worked for me. Have you tried peanut or meetups?

Yep. I hear I op.

I hear you op too, I tend to not struggle with it too much as its just become my norm for so many years I kind of push those feelings down, nice and healthy, repressing them! 😕😬But yesterday something really cool happened and was like ooh should tell someone and I just sobbed and sobbed as just hit me that I had not a single person to tell.
Sometimes the reality of the loneliness just creeps up on me and it crushes me. I wish my pets talked back to me!

I also don’t have friends to go out with. I usually go out with my partner and child, or stay at home. As you said, I tried joining groups and it didn’t work out for me. People either ignored me, or tolerated me for a while then pushed me out.

Anyway I’ve realised that I’m not welcome when I join groups full of neurotypical people who are my age. They just reject me. What works for me is joining groups that have a lot of older retired people, such as art or knitting groups. They’re usually a lot kinder. Also try looking for groups which attract a lot of nerds, because they’re also more tolerant of people who are different. Like Warhammer or other types of games organised by geek shops. The final solution is to have kids - then you can’t go out with friends anyway because you’re tied with the kids.

I'm in that situation too. After several years looking after my mother, who has dementia, my social life has vanished and I have zero contacts outside the people I need to talk to with regard to my mother's health. And no energy to renew old friendships or make new ones. Currently spending (alone) my last couple of days of a holiday, I haven't talked to a single human being in days apart from the supermarket cashier. I try to mitigate these feelings by interacting online, watching certain tv shows like talk shows where people are interacting, listening to podcasts etc, but it's beginning to get a bit scary. I've never been like that, I used to have some difficulties with relationships but there were always some people in my life with whom I had some degree of intimacy. Thinking the rest of my life might be like this is incredibly sad.

hi noelle22 yes ive felt that way, you are not alone in feeling this way 🌸

the only thing that helped me was to get a dog in the end as i had to go out and talk to people and my dog is incredibly socialable and handsome so I've no choice in the matter.

I can relate. I’m an only child with elderly parents (dad has recently gone into a dementia home) mum now lives alone and has a few health issues. The last few years I’ve been busy just dealing with it all and have come to realise I need to make some friends before it’s all too late. I see others going out, doing things and wish it were me, even once a month would be nice. 💐💐

I understand all of the above, and feel it all very often. So resort to isolating myself usually, not completely from everything, still do the stuff I like. I have 2 children and a dog but sometimes wish I had a good friend. I find it tricky because I would rather spend time with ND people, as they don't judge and they are friendly but I think they are all hidden away like me! I hate groups, they are awkward and very overwhelming. One to ones are nicer but I suppose that can be awkward too. I usually presume people wont like me, because its safer that way, no rejection. But if im being honest, theres very few people Ive met that i dont like. I like virtually everyone i meet, so maybe some other people feel like that too? Relationships and trust can take a long time for some people and I think ND people can form bonds quicker generally, which comes across, as Ive been informed as a bit intense. But alot of us dont want to and try stop ourselves, to avoid more hurt. Its a bad cycle. Animals could be the answer! Or if people would just specify what they are feeling and thinking, bad or good would be of great help!

This is sad to read. I only really have one friend and have to make a monumental effort to maintain that friendship - I am mostly happy by myself or just with my dh and dc - I am much happier and more confident in myself now I am in my 40's, but it has been a long journey to get to this point. I remember how difficult I found my teens and 20's - really struggling, masking a lot and still getting it completely wrong, having periods where it felt like I had friends and then being quietly dropped and quite a bit of hostility from some people - I had no one from school or uni to invite to my wedding, which I felt deeply ashamed of at the time. I spent a lot of time alone - a huge amount when I look back.

Two of my three dc are diagnosed with ASD (and I suspect the third will be too) - seeing them go through similar bullshit and wanting it to be different for them has really made me sit up and think perhaps we just need to start rejecting the idea of friendship with NT people and actively seek friendships with like-minded people - NT people have no problem rejecting us, I'm not sure why we continue to try and connect with them. Nearly every thread on AIBU about ASD and ADHD proves again and again that NT people don't understand ND people (and have no interest in trying to understand either, despite them claiming to have superior ability to empathise...).

Sorry, this has turned into a bit of a rant and that probably wasn't what you were looking for when starting this thread. In terms of actual advice, I agree with pp that targeting activities that are more likely to attract nerdier and more eccentric people is likely to lead to more positive interactions. I think it is quite likely that many of the people historically described as eccentric were actually ND - I think there are an awful lot of ND people walking around without a clue that are ND and birds of a feather do flock together.