Masking

[Springpetal]

I’ve spent years masking ,to the point I don’t know if I want to be here in my life ,or if I want to leave
my parents divorced and for my whole childhood I thought that was the root of my problems
so when I had children I was determined to do everything I can to keep my family together
it was only my dc getting diagnosed started me thinking, that (my parents were shite and would of fucked me up together or apart and the divorce made no difference.)
so I’ve spent 30 years in a relationship I can’t work out if I want to be in ,
I don’t know what’s the masking and what’s real any more .
my dd now an adult is far to perceptive and I feel like she sees straight through my attempts at making out I’m happy.
I feel awkward and uncomfortable around everyone and within myself
my personality seems fluid depending on who I’m with it changes so much .I don’t know which is my personality or which is making an effort ,to engage ,to listen ,to ,blah blah blah
it’s just such a muddle in my head
I want to walk ,and keep walking …but if I’m the problem,it’s going to come with me ..I’m lost

I’m not expecting any replies ,I don’t expect I make any sense .I just don’t fit in anywhere,and that’s how it’s always been ,and will always be

Firstly, I'd look at getting an assessment as the diagnosis is incredibly validating.

Is your husband someone you enjoy spending time with? Do you have fun together? Does he show you love and appreciation? If the answer is no, then that's the answer you need regarding staying with him.

Do you do things that you enjoy? Things that make you happy, even if others think they're a bit weird or dull? If not, you absolutely should.

Do you say yes to things, even if you don't want to do them, but think you should as that's what's expected? Even though they make you anxious and uncomfortable? Start saying no.

Ultimately you need to work on finding exactly what it is you want in your life. Fuck fitting in.

I’ve been waiting 2 years to be seen by kingwood,it should be this year I’m told .The 2 dc with diagnosis will not live independently,so I’ve stuck at home with them ,on line school instead of SEn school .
it’s an incredibly tricky situation,which complicates how I feel .
but that’s good advice you have given me ,I will see what I can implement