Utter burnout

[Falalalalaaalalalala]

I think I am experiencing autistic burnout.
I’d really like to try and fix it but I don’t know how! I have spoken to a mental health service and have had my assessment and am waiting for them to get back to me but I feel like I have lost all ability to function properly.
I can’t sleep properly at night at don’t get to sleep until around 4am most nights (well, mornings!).
My eating is not right, some days overeating and some days undereating and often I forget to even have a drink. I’ve always been rubbish at remembering to drink but it’s just so much worse now.
I often go for long periods of time without showering and my scalp is developing strange patches of sore dry skin but it’s hidden well so only I would know. I do try to remember to brush my teeth and having a night guard that the dentist made me for grinding reminds me to at least in the evenings as it has to be fresh.
I don’t work and I don’t get much else done either although I should be, I feel incredible guilt for this which feels like it is just paralysing me more. I do manage to keep the house clean and organised.
I socialise with one friend and we go for walks and I do get out with my teenagers sometimes and we do have a lovely time but I’m always SO TIRED (more mentally) after pushing myself to do more. Yet ironically still can’t sleep.
I end up spending hours and hours watching the same things on YouTube or playing games on my phone and then before I know it the day has gone but it’s like I can’t physically make myself do other things even the things I enjoy! I want to so much, a part of my brain is saying “COME ON, WE NEED TO FIX THIS” but it’s like I’m in a hypnotic state almost of not being able to actually move. I don’t know if that just sounds strange though.
I think I’m depressed as a result of built up things from life and not being able to deal with it all effectively and not having any support. I really do need somebody to help but there really honestly is nobody so I am hoping that the mental health service can help me learn better ways of coping alone but I don’t know what else I can do.
I used to function much better than this but my abilities have slowly declined until I have basically just shut myself away and just exist day to day until I can eventually sleep at night.
Nobody would know from the outside (thanks to masking I guess) as when I do push myself, I look presentable and manage until I’m alone again and I just wouldn’t know how to tell anybody that I’m struggling this much and realistically what could they actually do anyway?!
I feel like screaming sometimes, just PLEASE SOMEBODY NOTICE AND HELP! but I guess because I have always been seen to be “doing fantastically” alone and masking when around others, nobody notices and also, I have been pretty successful in looking after both myself and others throughout my entire life when I sit back and assess. (sorry for the don’t look up reference there 🤣) It’s just now, I don’t know what’s happened but I just can’t anymore even though I desperately want to!
I worry allot that I am affecting my teens as I’ve always managed so well with them growing up but as they are getting older they just don’t seem to need me as much and I do love them an incredible amount. I make sure I cook them good food, care for them and their needs and environment and enjoy time with them when they want to but we have neurodiversity amongst us all so maybe that’s why we get on so well in our little bubble. It’s just that it used to be so different and I think I’m hugely struggling with the change of them getting older too.
I had routines with them growing up and we knew what days we did what and I always had set things that I did with and for them and now that’s all changing and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore?!
Does anybody have any experience of this and how did you manage to get out of it? I don’t want to stay like this for another single day!

You need to rest. Annoying as that is. Get your head round the fact you are disabled and can't do as much as NT people. (Hit me too around menopause,and it is really pissing annoying that my body won't do what I want it too. Adjusting to my limitations is very hard)

You may need to cut back on everything non essential. You are doing well keeping the house clean and kids fed.

Stop feeling guilty about needing to manage the needs of your disability by resting. (

They say fresh air is good, and trees. (Can't fucking remember what it is about trees but they give off something in the air, wasn't paying sufficient attention)

Try seeing the GP for hrt if in your 40s or so.

Yeah it's shit. Just coming out of similar phase after my mum died. Though I did less cleaning. And cooking for the kids

Eating: I only managed healthy (not that healthy really) eating by eating stuff uncooked (raw carrot 🥕 if I had the energy to.peel it, chunk of cucumber or cabbage or salad tomatoes or chunk of pepper) or preprepared salads (which is a bit tricky at the moment) and fruit like apples. I'm only just getting back to cooking but not up to full speed.

I've mostly learned that I only have limited capacity so if I have a busy period I need a slack period later to recover I try to pace things now.

@BlackeyedSusan thank you so much for your response.
I think I am still struggling to accept that. I was diagnosed in adulthood. I knew I was different and then slowly over a few years came to the realisation that I was autistic after multiple different diagnosis. It was suggested to me a few times by people and I had a big breakdown where it was suggested again so I spoke to the gp and went through the diagnosis process and was diagnosed with autism 299.00 which I’m still not entirely sure of the meaning of but It helps to know. I do also find it hard to accept that this is just how my brain works though as I desperately just wish it was easier!
I am pretty much just doing what is essential lately. I have teens and pets that I love and look after and a home that I keep clean and tidy and other than that I’m not doing much at all. When it comes to getting my teens out, especially with my youngest, that is also essential but is also just draining me so much!
I just feel so guilty about the amount of rest I am needing. It’s like I have pushed myself so hard for so many years that I have just broken and stopped working, I don’t know if that makes sense.
I have allot of things inside my head that go around and around from the past too which isn’t even about being autistic (well, some I guess were partly due to it) but that makes it even harder as then even the rest sometimes doesn’t feel like rest.
I think I get a decent ish amount of fresh air, I do get out for walks with one friend regularly. I have other friends but I don’t socialise at all with most so I don’t know if they’re actually my friends anymore?! And most people I would have classed as friends in my life I have heavily masked around anyway. I have one other friend that I see once every 1/2 months (sometimes longer) but my friend that I walk with I see a couple of times a week and we always walk in beautiful places, nature makes me feel very happy.
I’m not yet, I’m mid 30’s (very almost). Periods are still super regular.
I’m sorry you have had a difficult time loosing your mum, that must be hard if you were close.
That’s very good, it sounds like you did better than I am doing. I am cooking for my teens and sometimes will eat what they have but often I resort to just what is easily available without having to actually “make” it. Sometimes that doesn’t appeal so I don’t eat and sometimes I just eat junk food! Bizarre really for the fact that I am super interested in nutrition and prepping meaning that I always have access to everything I need both practically and knowledge wise to be looking after myself!

I have always needed time alone to recover from busy times and to isolate myself away to recover but just lately I just feel useless and unable to do almost anything!
I feel like all I can do is wait for some mental health support and hope that it makes a difference. I just wish I could get out of this on my own!

Would you consider antidepressants? They helped me recover from burn out. I also took beta blockers as I had anxiety too. You're definitely being too hard on yourself though, you do loads and absolutely, physically really need that rest.

@Mabelface yes maybe. I was prescribed some during my breakdown but I didn’t take many of them and actually still have a load of them stored up in my lock box. I have always been very anti medication generally and I really couldn’t tell you why.
I have also been prescribed beta blockers before but again didn’t take more than the odd one or two and have them stored away too.
I really don’t feel like I do loads and I’m not sure that I’m hard on myself either, more just realistic I think.
I know this is going to sound really silly but I don’t know what you mean by rest when I feel like all I do is rest right now most of the time.

I have a large quantity of prescription sleeping tablets too actually, some less strong and some high strength, I would love to give them a go to try and get some sleep but my teens struggle with their sleep allot too and I’d feel so irresponsible to take them knowing that I’d be asleep whilst they were probably awake.
They also give me horrendous restless legs that I absolutely hate!

You feel guilty because autism is in your head... (Still real but invisible in your head rather than made up in your head) Society conditions us to feel guilty/be ashamed of in your head invisible stuff. If you'd broken your leg and had to go rest with it up on a chair it'd be easier to accept as it is visible physical. Or had a major op...been in a car crash.

Go to the GP and get meds sorted and then take the damn things as prescribed. (If you can remember)

Thank you @BlackeyedSusan I think I need to. I think I just cling on to this hope that I can “fix” me and it’s hard to accept that I struggle for a reason that’s not fixable. I am going to do some research into antidepressants as I struggle to understand how taking a small white pill each day is going to magically make life easier. That’s not a criticism towards anyone who does take them, I just don’t understand it, that’s all.

@BlackeyedSusan you are also absolutely right, I “look” like I’m ok. Unless someone was to knock on my door and catch me without notice, they’d be shocked at the state of me at times! But luckily nobody does that, people know I hate unplanned visitors! I’d love to trade brains with somebody else for the day, somebody that doesn’t have autism and all the other crap and just see what it would be like to live in an easier brain!

Yep, definitely playing life on hard mode all the time is not fun.

That is how it feels for sure!