Failed counselling for autism

[Plenanna]

My GP referred me for phone counselling because I’m depressed due to years of being discriminated against for my autism. I’m crying all the time and refusing to engage with anyone because I already know how they’re going to treat me. I feel trapped, like I can’t do anything because NT people won’t let me, because they don’t want me around.

The counsellor said I don’t seem autistic and if I hadn’t mentioned it he wouldn’t have known. So that made me feel like a fraud, because one of the main issues I’d mentioned was how it upsets me when people discriminate against me for being autistic. He said he’d counselled other autistic people in the past and they haven’t had problems with people discriminating against them, so having autism doesn’t necessarily mean you have these issues. I suppose he meant it to be comforting but it just made me feel like shit, like he thought I was lying. Or like he was saying others with autism cope perfectly fine so why are you having these problems?

We talked for 20 minutes and he ended by saying my issues were too complex and my GP needed to direct me to a more specialist service. He said to try calling the autism society. So I got no help, again.

They shouldn't have said any of those things and it sounds like they don't have enough experience with autism, as well as possibly not being very good at their job in general! It is upsetting that you didn't get help this time and I'm sorry. However I think you do deserve more specialised support.

As soon as he started saying “you don’t seem like you have autism” and telling me about other autistic people who don’t have the problems I have, I just thought to myself “I’m clearly not going to get any help here” and I ended the call asap.

I’m sick of being told my autism is mild and people wouldn’t know I’m autistic. That just means I’ve spent a lifetime masking and I’m really good at it. I still have problems, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, meltdowns. I still rock back and forth and scratch my skin. I still have no friends. I’m still afraid of people. People may not know I’m autistic - that doesn’t make me any less autistic.

You are completely right.

Sympathies, OP. I had a terrible experience with NHS counselling. In a nutshell, the counsellor continually seemed to be gaslighting me. I had to walk away from the situation as it was making my mental health worse. They couldn't offer any alternative therapy or counselling, just the one type that caused me severe distress. The NHS have no resources for adult autism, they are useless in my experience.

@Plenanna I relate to this so well and being treated badly for much of my life by others. I made the mistake of trying a new therapist a few weeks ago just to feel 100 times worse. She wasn't willing to listen to my life experiences of being neurodiverse and how other people have treated me, but instead wanted to mould me into some kind of neurotypical box. I too am tired of the "You don't look autistic" crap 😒

Dickhead. (Him)

When people say “you don’t look autistic” what I hear is “you don’t look like you have any support needs, you should be able to function normally because your autism isn’t visible, in fact I’m not sure I believe you even have autism”. It’s an awful thing to say to someone.

Sorry you’ve had such a rubbish experience. You can find private counsellors who are actually educated about autism if you look hard enough, but sadly this is still not something most therapists know enough about or are taught in their training. Even an acknowledgement the therapist doesn’t know what it’s like to be in your shoes but is willing to learn is a great start! I hope you find someone who is right for you.

I'm sorry you've had such a shit experience. It's shamefully common. I was told by a women's centre life coach that I wasn't like any of the other autistic people she'd worked with and she didn't think I fit the profile at all. Thanks. I felt a real therapeutic bond until that point.

Sadly, very few psychologists, psychiatrists, psychotherapists, counsellors etc. have a sufficient understanding of autism, particularly autism in women, in order to be of any help to autistic people. You just have to keep hunting for someone who does have the knowledge and skills. Before you sign up to anything again, try and find out as much as you can about the practitioner before they start finding out, and making judgments, about you.

There are a few therapists out there with knowledge and experience and, most importantly, preparedness to adapt their style and approach for the needs of individual clients. The common issues seem to be therapist expectations of ‘normal’ affect and ways of expressing feelings, therapists using a lot of silence (I am not a fan of this one in any situation), and therapists deciding that the autistic person ‘has attachment problems’ - a bit of a ‘no sh*t, Sherlock’ one that, as being neurodivergent in a majority neurotypical world is not straightforward. The latter assumption by a few therapists that, in effect, autism is not real is especially inappropriate.