Would this annoy you

[smm88]

Two of our children have now been diagnosed with additional needs.

When our eldest was diagnosed with autism my husband accused me of having her labelled ( nursery brought their concerns to our attention not the other way around ). He refused to engage in the training we were recommended to go on.

My youngest has now been diagnose with ADHD and all we were given was information about the condition that provides info on how to help the child. It's been a month and my husband has still not read the information. I've asked why and I've been told he hasn't had time ( not true). I have explained that I feel rather disappointed that her own dad hasn't taken the time to read the info this doesn't make me feel very confident that others will take the time to understand her. He finds her difficulties very hard to deal with the info given very likely would help him understand her.

I have asked him why he finds it difficult when we have finally been told why they've been having difficulties but he had no answer.

Would other parents feel this isn't acceptable.

It sounds like he has some emotional block towards the diagnoses. Do you think maybe he thinks that ADHD and autism don't really exist? It's unfortunately a common belief.

Do you have a diagnosis yourself? How has he reacted to that? Perhaps he doesn't want to say this out loud because he knows it will upset you.

No I don't have a diagnosis. I probably should have said that since our eldest was diagnosed as a family we have realised Autism runs in the family. My husband has admitted he feels it's very likely he is autistic

Is he frightened by the thought he is Autistic?

That could explain the reluctance, if it means facing a list of things that probably apply to him!

Not that he has told me. He doesn't feel he needs to be diagnosed as to him he feels it won't change anything for him.

Then I would be annoyed as he is wilfully ignoring and choosing to remain ignorant of important, life changing information about his children.

It takes time for some people to process these things sure; but there comes a point where he owes it to his daughter to get past whatever is stopping him or get help to work towards that.

It seems likely from what you have said that he is struggling intensely with internalised ableism and ignorance about what it really means to be ND. He may be terrified of even thinking about it because he is afraid his children are going to suffer some of the same life struggles as he has. He may be struggling with things changing or he can’t make himself read it at the moment due to demand avoidance.

I’m AuDHD. I suspect my husband is Autistic too but he wavers around the idea. He was extremely resistant for the first few weeks when I suggested our 1yr old son was showing signs. Over time things improved. By me talking about it openly in lots of different settings and always Autism affirming he gained a lot of knowledge by osmosis 😅
After six months he started to talk about it in the same terms as I had modelled and with acceptance.

It’s not acceptable for him to keep hiding from this no. She deserves his effort on this x 💐

It wouldn't 'annoy' me, it would totally break our relationship. There is no way I could parent with someone who refused to acknowledge the children's needs.