Does anyone else experience these?
I am on a waiting list for ASD assessment but fairly certain of my diagnosis. I was Googling about sudden onset of suicidal ideation in women with ASD and came across what Toby Atwood describes as ‘depression attacks’. This is exactly what I experience. A meltdown that leads to a complete loss of control of my mental health and causes intense depression for a few hours or a couple of days at most. In the midst of it, I genuinely feel suicidal, harm myself, feel as if my whole world is collapsing, can’t see that I will ever feel ok again. And then once the feelings subside, I feel ‘emotionally hungover’, tired, embarrassed, guilty etc. but feel completely disconnected from the raging, suicidal person I was mere hours before.
I struggle so much to pinpoint how I actually feel most of the time. I’m fairly articulate and could give your hundreds of words for emotions but never feel like any of them fit.
I just feel like now I’m a mum of two small children I’m struggling more than ever. The loss of time to recharge (read: stare into space doing nothing), the lack of control, the noise, the restless nights, the loss of bodily autonomy, the sensory overwhelm… it’s so fucking difficult. I feel like my husband takes on so much burden and I’m still burnt out!
Does this resonate with anyone? Does anyone have any suggestions for anything that might help. If this keeps going on it’s going to cause my marriage to break down. I can’t keep behaving like this.