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Neurodiverse Mumsnetters

Use this forum to discuss neurodiverse parenting.

How to get of special interest

10 replies

fidgetcube · 15/02/2023 13:24

If it even is a special interest.

I think it’s a special interest but also I’m totally fucking obsessed and baby crazy. I can’t cope, didn’t think I was that obsessed but Im coming to realise I am.

so babies. That is the issue. Im not in a position to have a baby at the moment as much as I want one. I need to lose weight and get my head in gear. But I’m just so obsessed and envious/jealous. My friend is having a baby, it’s breaking my heart that I can’t have one at the moment (this is all assuming I can have children). Im autistic, if that wasn’t clear already, also adhd, how do I get less obsessed??

any advice.

I have a therapist so will talk to her but any advice from other autistic/adhd people.

OP posts:
Clarice99 · 15/02/2023 17:06

I've never, ever felt the remotest urge to have a baby so I can't advise on that. Any 'special interests' I have now (and have had in the past) are all things/interests I've been able to pursue and I can't imagine being obsessed over having something that I couldn't have for whatever reason.

If your reasons for not having a baby are due to your weight and getting your head in gear, surely they're issues that can be addressed by:
a) weight loss - healthy eating and exercise
b) getting head in gear - therapy, mindfulness, etc etc

Or maybe I'm being too literal?

I'm not too sure that a baby is a special interest. Having a child is life altering and cannot be discarded after they've become less interesting. Once you've had one, you're stuck with it for life irrespective of how boring it's become. Unlike 'train spotting' which you can just stop when you want to.

DiastasisRectiSucks · 15/02/2023 21:11

I’m not sure this fits in the special interest category really?

Do you find yourself wanting to learn absolutely everything about pregnancy or fertility or childcare or…? Are you spending a lot of time planning how to have a baby?

Just thinking a lot about the single topic “I want a baby” is a bit different.

When you say lose weight and get your head in order, what does that mean? There’s never a perfect time for a baby so if everything else is in place maybe you don’t need to see it as so far off? X

MinorityNeuroType · 16/02/2023 14:58

Hello fidgetcube!

I think that wanting a baby or actually having a child can be a "special interest". I was never baby mad, but once I decided to try to get pregnant I was very very focused on what I needed to do to get my body ready and to a great degree I did it. Once pregnant, I read a lot of books on the subject, and on babies etc. I did not realise that I was ND (Autistic & ADHD) at the time. Having a ND child changed that.

Some weeks ago I read your other posts on the subject of wanting a baby. I wanted to reply at the time, but was worried that I would come across as hurtful or insensitive, so did not risk it. My thoughts are just my thoughts, not fact, but since you have asked about having a child in your previous post, I will just add my thoughts here.

Parenting a ND child well often requires a lot more energy, time, patience and (unfortunately) money than is the case for average NT kids. This can be challenging for ND parent(s), since in some cases there will be clashing sensitivities/issues. Just trying to get what my child needs at school on a basic level has exhausted me, and now I am in a period of burnout with all the health implications that can have. I have a partner who is a very hands on and good father, but no useful wider support system. This is due to being an older parent, having moved around and predominantly to the social difficulties inherent to autism (even though most people would not have a clue about it due to my masking).

Having a child is a huge commitment, having a ND child (which could well happen in your case due to genetics) requires even more parental resources to meet this commitment. It is very long term and ongoing. Our (partner & me) plans for our future are having to be radically reassessed due to the extra financial commitment entailed in providing properly for our child. This is aside from the fact that we are exhausted from years of poor sleep and dealing with constant child high energy levels, anxiety, sensory issues etc. I love my child very much, but the relentless hard work that goes with that often pushes me to the edge of (and sometimes, as now, beyond) my limits.

Any child you have will ultimately be your responsibility, even (as you mentioned in your other post) with support from your dad and step-mum. My parents are alive, but too old and unwell to offer any meaningful practical or emtional support - although at least my mum wishes she could help. This is not an uncommon situation. Even the fittest grandparents weaken and become ill or frail at some point. This has less impact if the grandchild is older and has a higher degree of independence, but when kids are still at school or have higher needs, active support can help to take the pressure off.

Only you can decide what is right for you, but you owe it to yourself, your support network and most importantly to any future child to consider these issues very carefully.

Sorry for the long post, but felt it was important to give a fuller answer.

BertieBotts · 19/02/2023 07:57

I remember joining a group on LJ back in the day called "clucky" - aka broody - it can be incredibly all consuming and that's if you're NT!

What's getting in the way of a baby right now? You mentioned losing weight - well, while this is ideal, it's also not 100% necessary, maybe unless you're so overweight that it would cause dangerous complications in pregnancy? But overweight mothers have babies all the time.

Getting your head in gear - is this about processing trauma, finding the right ADHD medication, getting some systems in place for yourself, anything else? That is probably something that is worth discussing with your therapist. You might also like to read some books? I liked Give Birth Like a Feminist (but wish I hadn't read it while pregnant! - Some distance would have been better.) Taking Charge of Your Fertility is a recommended one for TTC. It Starts With The Egg is supposed to be good too. These are both about understanding the science behind conception. And there's a nice one by Phillippa Perry called The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read. I might also look at Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn - this is another which is very theoretical, and benefits from some distance. It's a fantastic read, but a frustrating one if you are currently in the thick of wrangling toddlers. There is also a brilliant one called Breastfeeding Myths by Lucy Ruddle which helps sort all the fact from fiction about breastfeeding. (Sorry - is it obvious that parenting books are one of my strong interests?)

Is there anything else that's a problem such as partner, work, education, housing etc?

I think that if there are concrete goals which need to be achieved first then it can be worth writing yourself a timeline for when and how these will happen before you start TTC.

Then bear in mind, when you TTC, it can take anything from about 1-8 cycles to fall pregnant, and about 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage which would mean a second attempt. (These figures assume typical fertility). So even if you do start TTC, you might not fall pregnant straight away. It's worth thinking about a kind of "baby period" (of 6 months or so, or 12 if you like) and thinking about when that would fit best in your life, rather than saying, right, we're going to do these goals and then have a baby in Winter 2024. And if you want to have more than one child longer term, then it might be worth thinking ahead to that too.

In terms of medication - I didn't know I had ADHD with my first child. I got diagnosed in 2016, had a miscarriage, stupidly(!) told them I was TTC and they then said just forget about the medication until your baby is older, then. Took a further 18 months to conceive a baby that stuck (we have infertility, this isn't typical) and DS2 was born summer 2018, I then went onto medication early 2019. Bumbled along on this for a while and then stopped it in winter 2020 because I was pregnant with DS3. Frustratingly, I was planning to change it just before I stopped taking it, and it's taken me a while to get an appointment with another doctor, so I'm due to have that appointment next month.

So in some ways, if you're trialling medication, it might be useful to have that all done and finished and 6 months or so of knwoing that it works for you before coming off it for pregnancy (you don't have to come off all of them, but some people like to anyway). OTOH, since there are shortages at the moment, because the whole medication process takes such a long time, and because the hormonal and lifestyle changes of pregnancy/small children can also cause changes anyway, in some ways, if you know you're going to have to have a long break for pregnancy, it might make sense to just say I'm going to try medication later on (and perhaps mark your calendar to set yourself an appointment goal for 2025, or something).

fidgetcube · 19/02/2023 14:44

ive been reading but haven’t replied as not sure what to say.

basically, I am having therapy weekly, I had a mental breakdown 2018 and still pretty much recovering from that. But I’m slowly coming off my anti psychotic. I need to make sure I’m going to be okay on a low dose/no dose first.

I need to lose like 50kg to do ivf. As that is my plan, as I’ll be doing a solo mother by choice route. I am very very very overweight due to the mental health medications I’ve been on. I’ve already lost over 20kg. And I’m about to start a dietitian input programme type thing for a year, so I’m hoping that will help me greatly.

I’ve researched everything at length. So it’s definitely special interest level. And even if I hadn’t it would still be something I’m specially interested in. So I think it can be a special interest even if I’m not researching everything.

it doesn’t help that my friend is having a baby. I’m so happy for her, but I’m so sad that I’m not in that place yet.

OP posts:
fidgetcube · 19/02/2023 14:45

oh and as for adhd meds, my psychiatrist says I can’t go on them due to my history of psychosis. So that’s that. Most likely in the future but not at the moment.

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BertieBotts · 19/02/2023 18:39

Okay, these are all positive steps. Well done for losing 20kg already! That's a fantastic achievement.

You say the dietitian plan is for a year. Is that a reasonable/good goal for the anti psychotics as well?

It does sound like it makes sense not to look at ADHD medication for now.

If you're looking at the guide plan of a year, in order to give you something to focus on, I think I'd come up with some other plans for that year as well. Maybe a savings challenge? Research IVF clinics and find the best one to go with and check their waiting list times. Perhaps decorate/declutter your house to make everything really easy to flow in terms of cleaning, cooking etc. Look up how to make an executive function friendly house. Having goals which will directly feed into t and support the longer term goal of having a baby should help pass the time and be more interesting when done with that end goal in mind.

If your plan is to be a solo parent by choice do you need to avoid pregnancy in the meantime or is that not likely to be a problem?

fidgetcube · 26/02/2023 14:37

@BertieBotts sorry I haven’t replied.

thank you.

the antipsychotics I should be off by summer I think, providedall goes well.

i have no chance of becoming pregnant, never had a partner/never had sex and never plan to do either. So smbc is my plan and goal.

oh I have researched everything lol, I’m all researched out lol. There is basically nothing to research. Apart from what I want in a sperm donor, which I’m still undecided lol. At first I wanted ginger as I’m ginger but that’s not so important anymore I don’t 5hink. I window shop just incase I see something that I definitely know I want in a sperm donor, not that I’m choosing right now or anything, I just have a quick look every so often so I can think what I want lol. I know I probably shouldn’t but it distracts me.

I’ve had a tidy up of my room a few weeks ago.

Money is not an issue as my parents said they’d cover it. And I also have enough money to cover stuff for the first year and all the baby stuff, I’m thinking more than enough but to be quite honest i have no idea. I’m not sure how much you need and don’t have anyone to ask, I know you need a lot. I have nearly 20k. So I’m hoping that’s enough. For the first year and pregnancy. I have very few outgoings (gym is a big one) and I have Scottish equivalent of pip and esa, so I have some income. And I’m saving what I can,

apart from loosing weight I’m pretty well prepared.

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BertieBotts · 26/02/2023 14:46

It's loss of income that is the biggest cost realistically. Depending on how long you want to take off in maternity leave, then paying childcare, it's worth trying to find out what options there are for school holidays as well later on. Tricky as a single parent because there are more school holidays than you get holiday from work.

fidgetcube · 26/02/2023 15:14

I don’t work, I just volunteer a couple hours a week. So I wouldn’t be losing income. I have future income from other sources plus I will be living at home so no future outgoings, as I can’t live totally by myself. I’ll have like an annexe with 2 bedrooms.

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