How to unmask?

[WhatWhereWhenHowWhy]

Just that ^
Diagnosed yesterday. Not sure how to unmask? Not sure I should?

Feeling a bit of imposter syndrome like the assessment wasn't hard enough and it must be wrong.

Ha ha...

Or the clinician wasn't that bright,

Or you've read so much about autism that you can fool the clinician I to giving you a diagnosis,

Or you are just copying the behaviour of your kids...

Apparently.

Years of masking is hard to 'unlearn' I spent 5 decades masking so I get the feeling of imposter syndrome.

I can't really help or advise. The only thing I can say is that I was diagnosed at 50 after a massive build up and Autistic burnout. This also hit at the same time as debilitating physical health conditions and Menopause. So for me, it was an enforced situation of falling off a cliff totally health wise and retreating pretty much entirely (stopped working, no partner, don't socialise so no need to mask any more) I kind of feel like I've started life afresh. Living life my way. Perversely, the Pandenic possibly helped.

I guess it will therefore depend on your own age and circumstances. What I would say is give yourself some time and space.

Exactly @BlackeyedSusan yesterday I convinced myself I had fooled the psychologist by reading so much about it 😖

Thank you @RainbowZebraWarrior
I really enjoyed the space covid gave and the lack of expectations in social contact.

I gave myself time to really concentrate on my likes and dislikes.
I was wearing clothes that were expected of me, had my hair how it was expected and never considering my sensory comfort and my individual tastes.

Think about what things you liked as a child, before you started masking. Do you have a specific style you like but you wouldn't dare wear because people would think you are odd or do you wear makeup every day but actually hate the feel of it?

What do you do when you are totally alone? If you had the house to yourself for a whole week, what would you do/wear/watch/eat?

Stimming is hugely masked I find.
To find out what movements felt good and natural to me, I bought lots of different fidget toys and also spent time alone, relaxing into my body and letting it move around in the directions it wanted to.

Unmasking is an ongoing process and it almost feels selfish and unnatural. You have to check in with yourself constantly and say to yourself "am I doing this because I like it, or because its expected of me?"

God knows who I really am - 40 years spent watching and copying. I find I am constantly questioning myself.

It must be an awful lot to take in, OP, so I would try to go as easy on yourself as you can for a while. Masking has had its uses as well as its downsides for you, and you may decide you want to keep elements of masking for certain situations (where you think you might be less accepted or understood, for example) and initially only un-mask with people you know and trust. What I have been doing, very tentatively, is letting trustworthy people know a bit more about how I think and experience myself and the world but without using the word autism - because people can have preconceived ideas about what it means and I want them to get to know and understand who I am first.

I can appreciate the imposter syndrome thing! I’ve just booked in for a preliminary assessment with a psychologist and I actually feel quite embarrassed. I have told one close friend I’m doing this, so far. I keep thinking the psychologist will ‘see through’ me and that those high scores on RAADS-R, CATQ and all the rest are me knowing how to ‘game’ the questionnaires. I have read a lot on the subject of neurdivergence in women, and I work in this area (as a therapist), so all of that is coming into play too. I worry I’m just over-identifying.

I've had an inkling that I was autistic for a few years. I'm 33 now and I'm fairly certain. Not sure how a diagnosis would help me, I'm mulling it over still.

The attached pics show some symptoms of female autism and they all resonated with me.

School was brutal, I had friends but the people outside that close circle all seemed mean and sometimes outright cruel to me. Teased my whole life until 16. I was academicly bright but painfully shy. A right teachers pet in a deprived area school, which did my social standing wonders as you can imagine.
I honestly thought everyone had to consciously make eye contact and think deeply of what to say in conversation, and just learn how to be human by watching.

Early jobs in retail and hospitality were a nightmare. So much stress for such little money. So many people coming and going daily. I couldn't function for the rest of the day after a shift, just disassociated sat at my laptop scrolling. I now. work in science/civil service so surrounded by introverts so can hide more easily in meetings and don't take on managerial roles so less responsibility.

I now know some of my breakdowns and angry outbursts were signs of meltdowns from being overwhelmed socially (particularly when paired with tiredness or hunger. I make sure to never go hungry now). My mood is much better now I'm on antidepressants and the pill to get rid of horrible PMD. Now to consider whether I need ADHD meds to quiet my noisy scatterbrain. 🤔

My late mother had undiagnosed mental illness, single mother on benefits. She didn't have the capacity to help herself, let alone her children. My only saving grace was that she didn't expect unrealistic social expectations of me. I was OK to hide in my room reading quietly or play out with friends.

I relate to the above. I didn't think of it as unmasking but I only ever have simple hairstyles (ponytail, braids, natural colour) for the ease of getting ready, makeup is a chore that I resent because men don't need a physical mask so I don't bother.
I just have a basic cleansing skincare as I'm acne prone. Shaving is for the hottest days of summer holidays only. I wear bright colourful earthy colours in easy to care for clothes, that make me comfy and happy. I sing and dance like nobody's watching. I no longer hold my tongue so much when people have controversial opinions around me. I say what I think, if they can spout rubbish then so can I!

I honestly don't know which parts of my personality are masking or "real". Think it helps getting older and going with the mumsnet mantra of caring less what others think about me. You can't please every one after all.

This seems like good advice/input, thank you.

Yes I felt like I had read so much about it that I had gamed the system. I too work in a therapeutic profession with a lot of ND children so very focused on this area. Perhaps I gravitated towards it instead...

Thank you everyone for your input on this thread, it's appreciated and I am taking it all in slowly

One of the biggest barriers for women who are autistic is being seen and recognised as such by medical and psychology professionals, due partly to the ability to camouflage and blend in at least superficially. I dismissed the possibility I may be autistic for years on the basis that I don’t fit a lot of the descriptors - it was only when I realised these were based on men and boys and a very stereotypical presentation, that I started to look again at the possibility. Reading about women’s experiences has helped hugely. It’s been like finding a sisterhood of people who seem to have had very similar journeys to mine. @Pepsipepsi I really resonated with your account. I’m so sorry you were bullied - me too! I love the sound of your clothes and your style. My wardrobe is a full costume department. I love a good charity shop and my look can be completely different one day to the next. It feels like the fun and creative side of masking. I do get lots of comments about my ‘unusual’ style, but I don’t mind those. I think it’s one way I get to choose what I show of myself and lovely colours and textures are a stim for me.