ADHD tax

[AwkwardPaws27]

DH was diagnosed with ADHD at the end of last year (on waiting list now to try medication) & we suspect I am autistic (actually have a preliminary assessment on Monday to see if I'll be referred on the NHS).

We both have strengths & weaknesses and usually compliment/support each other to be stronger as a team, but the ADHD tax is causing issues.

I'm posting here as I need to work out how to address this without making him feel awful but my previous attempts have not worked.

The current main issue is that DH have some shares from work which were sold (compulsory purchase thing) last year. We got a nice windfall which paid for a much-needed new kitchen & bathroom, but need to pay tax on it. With DHs agreement I set up a separate savings account in both our names and put the tax money + a small emergency fund there.

I have regularly reminded DH about the tax to pay. He initially told me work would support those who received the money to do the tax return. There has been various changes of staff and this no longer appears to be the case / he didn't know who to ask. I have been reminding him every month & offering help, suggesting he ask at work if there was any guidance on declaring it, offering to sit down and look at it together. Basically he's put it off and off and now said he needs to do it this afternoon but he hadn't even registered to do a tax return so I think we have to do that and wait a week or something first?

Basically I'm pretty sure there is going to be at least a £100 fine, possibly more. I'm now going to have to sit with him & help him to do it this afternoon. He is meant to be studying for an important work exam today. We also have a young baby. It's totally consuming my thoughts & I'm so worried there will be bigger consequences either this time or with something similar in future.

I feel so irritated, which i know isn't fair. I know I need to be supportive but I cannot work out how to help him with this stuff. I've been trying so hard to manage our money on maternity leave, I haven't paid for a single baby group finding free ones instead (except swimming which DH takes DS to) & he can't even say "yes I'd like some help" when I remind him of something important & offer to help with it.

That's nothing !! I booked a holiday, thought I'd cancelled it - but hadn't - so ended up spending thousands on a holiday I never even had

Oh sorry I've now read your post. That's grim. I think lists checklists and phone diary reminders can work. So every single thing I have to do I put in my Google calendar on my phone and I check it every day many times.

I have tried for years to get him to use Google calendar, lists, a notebook, phone alarms as reminders - he's very resistant as he says that they don't work for him as he forgets to check them.

I have to use all of the above myself - he thinks I'm "organised' but it's actually a set of coping strategies, without which I have no direction/don't get anything done. So for example if I have an appointment, I'll usually have a reminder set for an hour or so earlier reminding me of its existence & to get ready, & then another reminding me when I need to leave.

I set up a family Google calendar while pregnant & have been forcing him to use it (i.e. if he asked me if we had plans for a certain date I'd say check the calendar rather than looking for him). He now finds it very useful but still often takes me reminding him multiple times to put stuff in it.

I know a £100 fine feels like a small thing but it's a regular occurrence. I "catch" as many as I can - checking he's done things like car parking permit, tax, insurance etc. We nearly lost £400 on festival tickets (it was rescheduled due to covid & I was pregnant so couldn't make the rescheduled date - there was a deadline to apply for a refund instead of the tickets rolling over to the new date, & despite regular prompting to either do it or give me the email so I could do it, he didn't). Luckily I was able to resell them at close to face value.

The thing is, I don't want to be nagging. I'm happy to offer help & I've offered things like setting aside an hour every few weeks to body-double on life admin. But I don't want to be nagging or for it to be my responsibility to remember everything.

I’m confused about your husband being “on a waitlist to try medication” for ADHD. I’m in the USA, so I don’t know how things work over there, but shouldn’t he just get a prescription and then get it filled? Or are you guys having the same shortage that we’re having over here? It’s awful! I can’t get regular release Adderall. I’m having to use a different medication.

But I digress….I’m so sorry that you’re going through that. It sounds incredibly frustrating. Men in this country have a harder time asking for help, so if that’s true for men over there (my husband is the same way) then I can only imagine how frustrating it would be combined with everything that comes with ADHD.

How long until he is able to get meds? Because if he’s anything like me, those will help him immensely. Even with meds, I still struggle with procrastination. Could he see a therapist who specializes in ADHD? Meds are most effective when combined with behavioral treatment. Just a thought/suggestion.

@ArtemisDelSol we are in the UK. He had an assessment and was diagnosed with ADHD, but then you have to see the prescribing team separately for trialling medication, & there is a backlog so a waiting period.

I have suggested an ADHD therapist or coach to help with coping strategies. I think he's hoping the medication will be sufficient.