I encouraged a friend to go for a diagnosis

[AffIt]

I say 'friend'; TBH, closer to 'associate'.

Anyway, 'Sara' knows I have a diagnosis of ASD (NHS, roughly around 10 years ago) and asked for my advice.

Based on her online results, I encouraged her to go for it and - long story short - she went private, insufficient clinical signs for a formal diagnosis, aside from some traits. She's about £2k down.

Now she's absolutely raging at me.

I'm not particularly bothered because, as I say, she's not a particularly close friend, but god knows I'm not doing that again.

why is she blaming her decision to go private on you?
Some people just can’t take responsibility for their own actions -it’s baffling.

I can see why Sara is frustrated at not having a diagnosis, but would be looking at it that she has now been able to rule out ASD as the cause of whatever issues she is experiencing, and this should help her seek interventions that are relevant to her.

Ultimately, this was her decision - most services are very clear that you are paying for an assessment, not a diagnosis.

In any event, it is in no way your fault.

@BoardLikeAMirror

she has now been able to rule out ASD as the cause of whatever issues she is experiencing, and this should help her seek interventions that are relevant to her

This is a very good point - thank you for your insight.

I suppose my worry is that we see a lot of people on this board (and in other areas of MN) along the lines of 'I think X, should I do Y?', and then perhaps being disappointed (and out of pocket).

I do like your line that anything is an assessment, not a diagnosis, and I'll be using it in future, I think.

I think she was frustrated by the process.

I was clear that when I went for my diagnosis - which was actually about 12 years ago, start to finish - things were different: I'm in Scotland, for a start, and there definitely wasn't the pressure on the system that there is now, in terms of adult services.

There is only so much you can tell people who aren't willing to listen, I guess.

She does seem to be projecting a lot of things onto you, very unfairly. I find the point a pp made about having more information is a very sound one. I am considering getting an assessment when I can afford it, but also sitting with the possibility that I don’t meet full diagnostic criteria. My ‘take’ on that would be to view it as having ruled out one possible reason for my difficulties, and freeing me up to other possibilities.

Never encourage anyone to spend money, on anything. Let them make their own decisions.

Having said that, she should have known there was no guarantee of a diagnosis. And she had the option to go via the NHS instead of going private. She must have had the money to spare? I certainly couldn’t magic up £2k no matter what anyone said!

Aye, lesson learned.

I think she wanted answers quickly, hence the decision to go private - my NHS diagnosis took about 18-24 months between waiting times, appointments, pulling evidence together, interviews with family members etc (on top of the five years or so it took me to even contemplate starting out on the journey) and that was over a decade ago. I have no idea what the average time is now, but I would imagine it's probably even longer.

I think the reason she is projecting so harshly is that she had already decided the diagnosis was a given and the actual process was a box-ticking exercise - one that would be completed both smoothly and with the resolution she wanted, with the added element of 'I've paid for this, so... '.

I know she could easily afford it (we both work in the same well-paid industry) but even then, £2k is quite a drop.

Anyway, as I say, I'm keeping my mouth firmly shut from now on.

She asked for your advice. She didn't have to take your advice, nor did she have to pursue a private assessment, so it's all on her.

You didn't force her to take the route she did. She chose to.

she sounds like a twat 😁

I'm, err, gobsmacked that someone has blamed you for their actions wtf?

I'm waiting on a very long lead time 4y+ to be seen for an ADHD assessment

(and before anyone tells me that I can go and get a right to chose referral my GP has said that he will only support me / make the referral if I go through the local NHS services, and the only reason he's referred me is that I am a recovering alcoholic so tick a very obvious symptom box and so he's forced to refer me biased on good practice, as he doesn't believe that ADHD is a thing, go figure)

I can't afford to go private but there's so much information out there and I've found some real hacks that have worked for me, which is brilliant. I have decided that I will behave as if I do have it and change my life to take account of it. I've stopped beating myself up over things like the ADHD tax, it's just one of those things. I practice radical self compassion and I take advantage of all the energy that I have, when I have it.

It took me 3 years to get to the point of getting the referral, but that's a whole other story.

TLDR @ Your associate is responsible for her own actions.