I think new DP is on the spectrum

[Lovemusic33]

I am ND (ADHD), both dc ND (ASD).

I have recently started a relationship with someone and the more I get to know him the more I think he’s ND. After reading another thread in relationships I have realised that most people would probably just think he selfish and awkward but I am pretty sure it’s not just that. He has quite a few sensory issues, today I had to remove my air freshener from my car as it was hurting his nose, he’s quite fussy with textures of food and has favourite foods that he would happily live on. He’s very passionate about certain things and kind of expects others to share his views, when they don’t he often refuses to have anything else to do with them. He’s not very sociable and often when people talk to him he ignores them but at over times he’s over sociable (if someone mentions something he’s interested in). He knows that his behaviours and reactions to things are not normal but I don’t think he realises he’s ND. I don’t know how to mention it to him without sounding like I am diagnosing him?

We do share some traits but some of his traits are the total opposite of mine, i a, pretty laid back when it comes to people voicing their opinions, I understand that I don’t have to agree with them but I understand not to tell people they are wrong to think differently than me. We share a special interest which is how we met, this is great but when we are not doing said special interest we are quite different from each other.

Should I mention to him that he may have ASD?

Is it ever possible for two ND people to except each other’s traits and make a relationship work? I think at the moment I am masking quite a lot in front of him as to not cause any issues, where as he is being himself and showing his many traits 😬. Would realising he is ND maybe help him?

How recent is recent? If it’s just a few weeks, you might want to wait a while before saying anything. A way in might be to ‘wonder’ aloud with him and say what reminds you of ND traits - maybe things in your children. Does he know you have ADHD? I usually go with saying something - you might be offering something helpful and if he doesn’t accept it, at least you have planted the seed.

We have been dating on and off for 8 months, more serious for the past 4 months. He hasn’t met my DC’s yet but when I talk about them he does realise that he has similar traits. He knows I have ADHD but I don’t think he really understands what ASD/ADHD is other than that one of his favourite tv presenters has ASD (not a good example). He recognises that his social skills are not great but puts everything else down to anxiety, a rough childhood and bouts of depression.

I am seeing more and more traits as I get to know him and have witnessed what I would describe as ‘meltdowns’ over the past few weeks, today quite a obvious meltdown over something he is trying to deal with. He was trying to talk over the phone to someone about a issue he’s trying to sort and became totally irrational with the poor woman on the phone, he sounded paranoid and a bit crazy 😬, he then said “this is the worst thing I have ever had to deal with” even though it’s something relatively small that lots of people have to deal with. His behaviour has become pretty erratic due to being stressed. He must know he’s on the spectrum……or maybe he doesn’t? 🤔 maybe knowing could help, or maybe make things worse?