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Use this forum to discuss neurodiverse parenting.

What does meltdown look like for you?

13 replies

BigMadAdrian · 10/01/2023 08:45

Sorry if this is a difficult question. I am waiting to be assessed for ADHD and ASD at the moment. I have had my suspicions about both for quite a long time and two of my dc are diagnosed with ASD.

I can clearly see the ADHD, the ASD is muddier (although I do lean towards thinking I have it). One of the things that makes me question it is that I can't define what meltdown looks like for me. My dc both have a clear meltdown pattern - ds melts DOWN (he shuts down/goes floppy) and dd melts UP (huge and angry). My dad (who I suspect also had ASD) also used to spectacularly fly off the handle and I suspect that this was meltdown too.

It is less clear for me. My dd's therapist said meltdown tends to be fight, flight or freeze and I honestly don't know what I do, or if I even meltdown at all. I can think of examples of when I have felt so incandescently angry that it has felt like the anger has nowhere to go and it is burning me up from the inside - this has usually been when something has happened that I can't control, it is often a very small thing compared to the reaction. Is this meltdown? It hasn't happened that often. I have also experienced a visceral need to get away (again, sometimes the thing I need to get away from is small - once it was supervising kids playing musical statues at a birthday party) and complete blanks where I am unable to think or do anything (because I am so overwhelmed) - are these meltdown too? Neither of these feelings is as extreme as the anger.

Is is always the same, or can it vary? Just wondering about other people's experiences.

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xyhere · 10/01/2023 11:02

For me, ever since I became self-aware (around 10-11yrs old) it's always been a shutdown. I get overwhelmed, and my conscious brain progressively shuts down so thinking/doing anything is harder, and I sort of retreat into a small box in my head.

Since I realised that I'm autistic, I can spot the warning signs much more easily, and having explained them to my wife, she can see them too - so she'll basically act as my shield until we can get somewhere quiet and calm.

When I was much younger, though, I've gathered that I would have crazy moments of rage, followed by immediately "sending myself to bed". I obviously had no idea what was going on at the time, but I suspect that arriving at the solution of seeking somewhere quiet where I could be on my own is what led to them being shutdowns later in life rather than meltdowns - skip the stressful bit, and go straight to the end.

amusedbush · 10/01/2023 15:50

My meltdowns are external, so I snap and I'm filled with indescribable rage. I'm like a cornered animal and I just want to scream and tear my house apart with my bare hands. I often hurt myself - biting my arms, punching myself in the legs. I can't be reasoned with when I'm melting down; it's like I'm not in my own body and I have to be left alone to get into bed.

Before I realised what they were, I was hugely embarrassed. I felt like an overgrown toddler having a tantrum.

Like @xyhere I can now see the warning signs so I try to remove myself from the situation before I tip over the edge, because there's no coming back from it once I'm in meltdown. Generally though, I shut down when I'm overstimulated in public and only have the above type of meltdown at home.

That visceral need to get away is familiar, too. Usually from a sound but I'm also very sensitive to light and dislike being touched. If DH starts talking to me in the car while I'm trying to listen to the radio and also focus on the road, suddenly I'll be totally overwhelmed and angry at the feeling of my hair on my neck.

xyhere · 10/01/2023 16:48

I don't know if you've ever seen it, but Allie Brosh's post called The Sneaky Hate Spiral is probably the best (and most entertaining, in a dark kind of way) description of overwhelm-induced meltdowns I've ever seen - it ends in a meltdown, but replace that with a shutdown and it describes my experience exactly.

She's only mentioned her depression-related mental health problems, but so many of her blog entries resonate with me that I can't help thinking she might be ND in some fashion.

Jules912 · 10/01/2023 17:46

I get in what I can only describe as a flap and can't process anything. Will often talk absolute nonsense as I try.
I've now got better at spotting when I'm getting overwhelmed so tend to only get them when something truely unexpected happens. If I spot the signs I can take myself off somewhere ( even if it's hiding in the toilets for 5 minutes).

Lovemusic33 · 10/01/2023 18:40

For me I go into ‘flight mode’ and remove myself from everyone and everything, this usually involves sitting in a field or walking through the woods. Sometimes I go for a drive but the feeling to drive as far away as possible is hard to fight. If for some reason I can’t get away then I either shut down or cry.

PinkBuffalo · 10/01/2023 21:04

I think I must have variations of meltdowns
The ones I know are full blown screaming/crying on the floor often hitting my head (really really awful when this is in public ☹️)
But think I have recognise that I sometimes have less severe meltdown sometimes when overwhelmed this can lead to me appearing to being very challenging and aggressive when actually I am just confused or maybe upset/angry
I have massive problems identifying my own emotions. And I can even have a meltdown or sleepless night after a great day cos I am overstimulated
I am so so lucky that cos I not have a family I have friends who love me, will lie down with me when it is one of the bad ones, have the absolute patience to explain things over and over again. I swear I would not survive without them to be honest

harbaughskhakis · 11/01/2023 16:09

My meltdowns are pretty horrific like a PP they tend to be hitting my head/other parts of my body, it's an overwhelming amount of emotions.
My shutdowns in a weird way are less horrific for others but I find them more awful and traumatix as I can't express anything, I just sit in a corner rocking and I can't speak, but I can text sometimes, I hate that far more, not being able to make a sound.

Purpleparsley · 12/01/2023 21:58

Surely you can be autistic without having meltdowns?

harbaughskhakis · 12/01/2023 23:11

Not all autistic people have meltdowns.

BigMadAdrian · 13/01/2023 10:41

Ah, ok - I didn't realise that some people don't experience meltdown (or shutdown) at all. I am still trying to get my head around the whole thing. I think I may meltdown and shutdown, but it happens so rarely that I hadn't linked the experiences to the possibility of ASD.

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BigMadAdrian · 13/01/2023 10:42

Thank you everyone for your responses - it has really helped.

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notyourmam · 13/01/2023 11:58

xyhere · 10/01/2023 16:48

I don't know if you've ever seen it, but Allie Brosh's post called The Sneaky Hate Spiral is probably the best (and most entertaining, in a dark kind of way) description of overwhelm-induced meltdowns I've ever seen - it ends in a meltdown, but replace that with a shutdown and it describes my experience exactly.

She's only mentioned her depression-related mental health problems, but so many of her blog entries resonate with me that I can't help thinking she might be ND in some fashion.

Yes!! Allie Brosh is great, and that comic is a really good descriptor of the lead up to lots of my meltdowns.

I actually thought about her lately and wondered if she might be a fellow ND, having read back some of her comics.

Meltdowns present in different ways for me OP. No one would ever have pegged me as having "an autistic meltdown" I don't think. Growing up, I never hit myself or totally lost control. But, I kind of actually do now. Maybe it feels like the genie is out the bottle now I actually know I'm autistic.

Looking back I've realised that, in my teens especially, in order to avoid that kind of public, humiliating, overt response to what I was feeling, I'd dissociate instead. This is apparently quite a common way meltdowns can come out (or, not come out), as a way to detach yourself from the strength of what you're feeling. So, for me it felt more like a panic attack, with accompanying derealisation. I used to excuse myself from lessons at school to "go and get a tissue" because I was starting to feel panicky being where I was, in a room surrounded by people, subject to whatever sensory aggravations were going on, maybe about to be called on to answer a question. Nobody would ever have noticed what was going on with me because I was so good at keeping a lid on it, but I needed to step away and be on my own in the quiet for a few minutes in order to regulate again. And, that kind of detachment from my own emotional state meant that my anxiety and overwhelm regularly came out as horrible stomach and chest pains, migraines and other things.

Another way it started coming out later on was something more like an anxiety attack rather than a panic attack - I didn't have the physical symptoms of a panic attack, but just a rising "oh my god I'm trapped and I can't cope" that quietly built right up to a point of just utter, uncontrollable sobbing and hyperventilation. It also stems from overwhelm, and is also accompanied by this rush of panicked energy that has nowhere to go, but instead of shouting or breaking things or hitting myself, I'll have contained it enough that it just comes out as that messy sobbing instead.

The attempts to suppress it (always unconscious) stemmed from horrible shame, and not wanting to appear out of control around anybody else (or even honestly to myself, alone in private). But it's not good for me. If I let go and just run with the overwhelm and rage and let myself shout and slap myself it clears out the energy so much better, and I suspect would help reduce the physical anxiety symptoms I get otherwise.

BigMadAdrian · 13/01/2023 14:14

I've just looked at the Sneaky Hate Spiral cartoon and OMG. And also I now have that song in my head...

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