I'm baring my soul here, things I've never said to another person, sorry if its long!
I grew up with a happy loving family, no money struggles just an idealic childhood really. But I was always different, very rebellious and impulsive, even from age 3 or 4. Always had very poor self esteem about my looks, was a little chubby and I probably remember every single comment ever made. It cut me like a knife. Really sensitive in that way but never showed it, rarely cried, only in anger, even now. Very much a people pleaser but can also have a temper so if someone really crosses the line with me they'll know about it but it really takes a lot. Act tougher than I am too. I'm actually very sensitive and empathic.
Got into trouble in my teens, drank from age 12, took drugs, loved how alcohol made me feel. I was also a habitual liar. I hated how I looked, and I mean I couldn't leave the house, I would hide so I didn't have to go to school as felt so ugly and also did this when I was a young adult. I felt everyone stared at how ugly I was. Did ok academically under the circumstances (ie no revision, didn't complete coursework) but already was thinking how could I go to work as I might not be able to do what they ask. I could never do anything practical in school or in HE or TD I'd get a friend to do it all, I had no confidence, just couldn't do it. Passed most GCSEs. Went back to do a levels but quit a few months before the exams.
As I started working life I always had to work with a friend, so basically every job til I was 24 I started with my best friend so she could help me. I'm bright, I just struggle with that kind of thing and sometimes I find instructions difficult so learning something new can be challenging. I'm ashamed to say I haven't worked since age 28. My parents both had good jobs my sibling is the same. I have no confidence, I'm terrified. I could WFH I think but have twin toddlers so maybe when they start school I could do this as WFH wasn't much of a thing until covid.
I've always lost things, been called careless, a day dreamer. I've struggled with addiction most of my adult life, I haven't had alcohol for 10 years but I'm addicted to pain medication. I make female friends easily except could never talk to men, no male friends, wouldn't know how to interact with them. I can disguise it and act confident during small talk but it's literally conversations I would have to pre rehearse.
Happily married, met my husband when I was drunk and had to drink every time I saw him for the first 6 months until I started waking up sober and not being afraid to talk to him over time.
Have started uni courses and never completed them. I'm very lazy, but I hate it and i know im lazy and have read self help books but they didnt work. I am terrible for procrastination. My house is reasonably clean now that I have children because it has to be and I really push myself to keep it that way but before it was a hovel and I was embarrassed but too lazy to change. My twins have never been in proper routine like normal babies, and they share the bed with me as too lazy to get them into a routine as they were poor sleepers so I was exhausted too. I'm a very anxious mother, I've had CBT but it didn't help, I worry myself into a stupor where it affects me mentally every day.
I love to shop but can't afford to spend like I do, but I still over spend and get the buzz even if it's not for me, just the spending I love. I never return anything if its online, it's just too much for me to do, I don't know why, it's cost me thousands.
A very close friend is being assessed for ADHD and said she noticed some traits in me, when I read up on it I recognised some of the traits. Like when I ask someone for directions and they reply it's like another language and my brain doesn't compute. Some things didn't fit, like struggling with friendships, I've always had lots of (female) friends. No issues with shops or noise, I actually have excellent selective hearing so someone could be screaming and I only focus on what I'm doing, kitchen tap drips and drives hubby mad though I zone it out.
Any advice you could give me? I've read some ADHD assessment questions but I find it hard to adequate them into my life. Does this sound like ADHD? Thanks to anyone who managed to read this!