Their idea of coping

[Whatdiddywhatwhat]

Hi everyone,

I'm a single mum with two kiddies, and I'm sick of the fact that I work part time, and care for my children being used as proof I'm coping. I use all my 'coping' skills to keep going to work and to care for my children. There's absolutely nothing left for myself. I don't eat properly, I don't shower, I struggle to engage with people (professionals, family etc), and I can't manage our finances to the point where we're at a foodbank. It's also assumed because I don't have any support, I don't need any.

I have an abusive ex, who is always trying to find issues with my parenting so he can report me to SS and get welfare checks, to inevitably prove I'm an unfit mother. So I try damn hard to make sure the kiddies are well looked after, and unfortunately, don't show any signs of struggling.

I have been to the doctor about it. Was referred to a social prescriber, but I failed to engage with them.

Does anyone else relate to this?

The bar for “coping” is set very low. Because there simply aren’t the resources to help anyone who is clearing the bar but still struggling.

I have a part time job, I wash and feed my kids, I cook meals, I drive them to school. But I’m deeply depressed and isolated, never had a friend, constantly bullied and excluded by NT people, and I make social faux pas all the time without understanding what I’m doing wrong. I don’t change my clothes or brush my hair often enough. I have panic attacks. My entire life is ruled by alarms and calendar alerts to help me remember stuff. My DH handles our finances otherwise we’d have a load of red letters and lose our home. I struggle A LOT. But I’m surviving, and I think that’s what they mean by “coping”. Basically as long as nobody is going to die they just leave you to get on with it.

@Velda This is me also. No friends, I don't talk to family as I feel they're so judgemental. They see me struggling and are just there for the gossip.

I feel myself getting worse and worse. I now can't afford food properly, bills are unaffordable, and we are not surviving anymore.

Is this still classed as coping? Because I don't think so.

You should be able to get financial support in the form of top-up benefits? But nobody cares if you are struggling in other ways. The authorities care about children but not adults. If you aren’t coping they will just remove the kids and leave you to struggle. Even if you end up being unable to hold onto your job, can’t pay bills and end up on the street, they don’t care. You’re not their problem - they’re only interested in the kids. There is no support for adults in my experience. It’s not that they think you don’t need any support - there just isn’t any available.

I relate aswell about people thinking I'm coping, on the outside it looks like I am, but I'm only ever about 5 minutes away from everything falling apart from the inside. As @Velda said, the authorities care about children but there is little to no help for adults.

Being isolated is something I understand so well aswell. I have joined group after group, with the advice of well meaning people and therapists but all it resulted in was feeling further excluded and being left out, even though I was pleasant and chatty to everyone, people just don't like me and dont want to know. Sorry I'm not more help @Whatdiddywhatwhat but just wanted to let you know you're not alone

@Velda @cocopops11 Yep it's so true. They're just waiting for the wheels to completely fall off, and then swoop in and take the children. My ex would be the one to instigate it as well.

I get benefits, but my childcare and rent completely strips us of any disposable income. Not having family or friends to rely on (or a partner) means formal childcare at an hourly rate that matches mine.

Everyone has stable lives, already formed friendships, and I have nothing to offer others.

Hi Whatdiddywhatwhat!

I often feel the same way, but do not even have to deal with as much as you do re. single parenting/Ex etc.

Don't really have answers - would love some myself -, just wanted to say "hold on in there!".

I'm exactly the same. I'm always just treading water. Once I've done what I have to do to keep my kids well, I've got nothing left for myself. I feel like I'm existing rather than living.
I've no advice because I honestly don't think there is any help for people in our situation.