motherhood/parenting/having children

[fidgetcube]

Right, background about me; autistic, adhd, depression, anxiety, tourettes, previous psychosis (currently sucesfully coming off my antipsychotic) all that jazz lol. I live with my dad and my dads partner(who i refer to as my step mum eventhough their not married and ive only known her three years), my mum died when i was 13. im single and dont want a partner, but i do want a child (maybe two, we'll see). and im mid-late 20s (i feel so old lol i know im not, but i still feel like its 2012). the step mum/dad thing is important as obvs i live with them and theyve already said they will support me, and they will, they wont go back on that. mybrother (transwoman) will not be having children, so theyre quite excited i want kids.

Obviously, im on here as i want children. i could do with some advice and tips. And tbh wanting children and solo mothers by choice is kind of a special interest. Its a bit of weird one i think maybe not i dunno.

I used to be adamant i wasnt having children, then age 25 i got very broody and very obsessed research wise. that came out the blue. i need to lose 60kg, as im doing this by myself im still going through one born every minute and similar shows.

so back to the main point of this post.

I know logically the whole process but experience wise im exicted but very anxious.

IVF- if anyone has gone through that, does it hurt physically, i feel like it would be a weird feeling. Ive never had sex/dont masturbate, so not usd to other people near my downstairs(lol). is it weird. i know its very invasive and i know its for one of the best things ever so defntiely worth it. but naturally im very anxious. im hoping the new show on w making babies will help, like one born evevery minute has with giving birth (much less scared of that now). also if anyone has gone through it by themselves any advice would be much appreciated. any advice from anyone too is much appreictaed.

if someone could lay pregnancy and babies and childhood out for me as briefly as you like but bluntly. and the bad and the good. i think that would help.

and one of my friends is pregnant so at least i can shop/browse for baby clothes and toys. Im so excited, ive not held a baby since i was a child, so im very excited.

i would like to start the process before im 31. so i have like 3 years.

I know my child/children will likely be autistic but i dont mind, at least ill know what to do for them and whatnot to do. obvs i will make mistakes too but ive come to the conclusion that ican totally do this. still super super super anxious

i apologise for my long and weird post.

thanks.

I didn't know I was autistic before having children, had I known I was, I would have been MUCH more vocal about standing up for my bodily autonomy and what made me feel uncomfortable about being touched, examined, ultrasounds etc.

Something you are not told, is that things do not necessarily go to plan. And this can be very hard to deal with if you think the birthing plan you made is actually going to happen. My first plan was detailed, and then literally the only thing I got from it was getting to see the placenta as I asked! My second? I never bothered making a plan as I had placenta previa and then she turned up dramatically early anyway.
Make a plan if you want, but you must accept it probably won't follow everything.

Kids are fucking noisy. Autistic kids are noisier. What are your noise sensitivities like?

They touch you all the time as toddlers. (There are posts on here where I complained about one of mine using me as a climbing frame and the back of my trousers as a step on the ladder)

Then there's the school run for about 14 bloody years.

Getting support for your kids is harder if you are autistic yourself.

Obnoxious teens. (One of mine has been a typical teen for 7 years now, they started early) mind you I've seen posts by NT parents who struggle a lot more with this. "My teen told me they hated me: I'm so upset" they seem to take it so personally when it's just a teen phase.

Expensive holidays in school holidays

Thank you for replying.

Im very freaked out at the thought of people touching me down there, but I don’t think it will be as bad as I think it will be, but then again I could be wrong. I think once it’s happened once then I’ll be like oh okay that’s not that terrible, I can cope, but we shall see.

That is exactly what I expected. I know this will sound ridiculous but on one born every minute, the change of plan happens quite a lot. So I’d already come to expect that I think, obviously tv is different to reality though so I should take a tv show with a pinch of salt but that bit is true. I have an idea of how I’d like it but to be quite honest, as long as I get a healthy baby I don’t think I’m that fussed, I think if I go in with the mindset that plans could change, that’s easier for me. Thank you.

Thank you for replying.

I don’t have major noise sensitivity, it’s more like cafe chatter that gets to me. I shall have to see how that affects me when it’s my own. Babies don’t bother me too much, but then I’ve never been with one 24/7, so that could change.

Im a very touchy-feely person a lot of the time, so hopefully that won’t be too bad. I’m actually looking forward to having someone who will be happy to take hugs and stuff. I know logically it probably won’t go that way but you never know.

I understand I’m trying to justify my self here and things definitely won’t happen how I’m expecting them too. I have next to no experience of babies and toddlers. But I’m actually looking forward to the adventure and I never look forward to things. I’m a cynical person lol. I think I have rose tinted glasses on but I know the vast majority won’t be rosy but I am excited, if very very nervous.

I have a lot of support from my dad and step mum and they’re very good at organising things and getting support for me. I’m also weirdly good at advocating for others, not really myself but others I’m great at.

I was an obnoxious teen, so I’ve been told that I’ll be punished by my own child. No idea how I’ll cope with that but then I guess no one really does.

Thank you for being blunt with me. I know It looks like I’ve argued against you but it’s made me think about what I can offer and how I cope now.

Ok… your glasses are so rose tinted they are blood red.

Babies and the broodiness are intoxicating. I too had babies and family as essentially a special interest from childhood. Reality is completely different to what you think it will be, particularly if your child/ren are neurodiverse too.

1. Pregnancy and birth: pregnancy not too bad, birth stressful, labour ward insanely stressful. Everything unexpected will happen. And people will want to see you and the baby which is a damn nuisance. You will feel you are rewired upon leaving the hospital. ** note ivf emotionally is a minefield but all things gynae hospital wise are a doddle compared to growing a human and birthing them.
2. The newborn: Totally traumatising, you will be exhausted, the child will need fed every 1-3 hours if you breastfeed in fact they may cluster feed for an entire evening (5pm-2am) for periods of time. After 4 months it gets better and you start to feel more human.
3. The child: Will dominate every aspect of your life from the moment you wake up until you fall asleep, you will become their PA ferrying them to and from school, all the various activities, parties and playdates they go to. And there is more pressure to make the - very expensive - school hols fantastic so there goes any ideas of down time you had in mind.

In short if you are willing to sacrifice everything that is important to you and focus entirely on another human being very often without rest or anytime to regulate yourself or relax - have children.

If you value your job, hobbies and meaningful conversations with friends that do not revolve around how often your child poos for example - do not have children.

Do not rely on your parents to take care of your child - they won’t be there forever - this is all on you, a lifelong commitment.

An honest opinion - I have a neurodiverse child and am neurodiverse myself. The obstacles we face as parents are very much greater than those faced by those with neurotypical children. Everything is harder, sleep is disrupted, getting dc to eat is a challenge, independence is coming slowly, school is hard and the amount of paperwork and struggle for us never mind dc is enormous - it is very hard to watch your child struggle at school and to have to give SO much more time to support them. We have had to pay for all assessments privately as wait lists are 3-6 years. My health has been impacted and I have had to give up work and hobbies I enjoyed. However I love dc more than I thought possible.

For me the sacifice is worth it, but I would seriously consider, especially if even now you are saying parents are essential to the equation, if the amount of work and stress is doable for you.

If possible spend a number of overnights with your friend when her baby comes and see what you think. Walking round a park with a sleeping baby is not the reality. Being up with 2hours sleep 4 nights in a row, exploding nappies and endless laundry is sort of more where its at!!

Just to add - the ferrying them around is time consuming and difficult if you have issues with time management/organisation.

The major issue however is the massively increased socialisation that you will face yourself - ie from the point the child is born you will largely be expected to attend classes with them and socialise with the other parents almost daily - ie. Mums and tots, baby yoga, baby sensory, baby swim… this is quite doable as sessions tend to be half an hour and mostly you won’t have to keep contact with people for any longer than maybe 6wks to a year that the class lasts. And you can mainly stay in touch with your preferred friends and their children.

As they go to school the demands on you increase from chatting to the other parents at the beginning and end of the day, being present for birthday parties and lots of school events. Then there are sleepovers, weekend bbqs, trips. All that… so you go from needed to be “on form” for half hour periods, to days at a time as they age, which can be stressful.

I think this is what I would have liked more intel on whenever I was approaching motherhood - all the cute baby stuff lasts only a matter of a few months and you’ll be so tired it will fly by. The major commitment is to the child, you will have to push yourself everyday beyond what you’re comfortable with probably to ensure they receive adequate enrichment, socialisation opportunities and can develop their friendships.

Thank you so much for being so honest and blunt with me.

I do agree my rose tinted glasses are blood red. Tbh I think most peoples are when they think about children, not that that makes it any better.

my time management skills are poor but my organisational skills are good. I can do all the organisation and I love doing that. Whether I will still love doing that when I eventually have a child well need to see.

I do not have a job, though I would like to get a part time job at some point. Im one of those weird autistic people that love people. Im not great at chat but I do enjoy it. It does tire me out but I find when I’m alone I feel so much worse, I crave human contact.

I have two friends and we talk like once a month and meet up like every 3 months. And I don’t work, I volunteer a little bit in a charity shop at the moment and my only hobbies are crochet and knitting and the gym. I would like to get a job one day but I’m in an extremely privelgaed position that I don’t need to work.

I know I can’t rely on my parents, they could die. So while I am hoping they will help I’m not relying on them as such apart from in my blood red glasses.

I really think the sacrifice would be worth it. I know I have blood red glasses at the moment and will till I potienlly have child/ren.

you haven’t put me off at all, even with all your honesty. But thank you so much for your very detailed posts, I really appreciate it.

We did not do any classes. We did toddler group when dd was 1. They did not do after school clubs for ages.

How are you at standing on the edge of a cold football pitch? (Ex does that.three times a week. )

One child is considerably more doable than two as a single parent.

Time management. It is very very important that you get to school on time. They really do not like it if you are late. There is trouble if so. Mind you, I am a bit shit at time management but fear gets me to school on time. Mostly. They were once shoved through the gate as it was closing. I know of another parent who was late everyday.

Hi @fidgetcube glad it’s been of use. I’m the sort of autie who requires it spelt out in black and white, as I can’t usually foresee the pitfalls…. I really didn’t have a clue at all, I just really wanted a baby much as you do!

I think knowing in advance how potentially challenging it could be will see you in good stead. I know if I had known even some of the issues it would have helped me massively. One thing you do have is a diagnosis, which I didn’t, and that will facilitate so much more support for you. Speak to other NT people about their experiences and start to plan for the things you think may be difficult. That way you will enjoy the experience much more and your baby will really thrive.

Wishing you all the best.

Ps be aware if your child goes to a good school - which obviously you’ll want them to - most of the parents will work. Try getting job sorted before then, maybe upskilling with an online course aiming to do something wfh on a part time basis, as it will help you integrate better and develop your sense of self too. Also awkward when the child starts asking what Mummy does etc. looking for a role model. That’s the only other thing I can think of that could be a big prob for you/child going forward. All the other major autie struggles I think I covered before.

Obviously the good outweighs the bad, but important to have your eyes fully open xo

Thanks.
Yeah same here, I need it spelled out to me, hence asking here.

I have a degree but never fancied working in that area. I’ve been a Postie and that was rubbish. I’m really enjoying the charity shop at the moment. Not sure what I’ll do in the future but I’ve got plenty time to sort that out.

@fidgetcube if you already have a degree that is great; it is possible to do a masters and completely change direction, or even do a short post grad course.

With the higher level Ed you will have so many more options for part time and in good pay, even in the charity sector. Childcare fees are somewhat astronomical but good for the baby/child to get experience of routine and being around lots of others prior to nursery/school, also to ID any issues earlier.

If possible I would sort career well before having the baby. You want it sorted so you can concentrate on the baby with no big major changes for you.

I too thought I had loads of time to sort things. Then some unexpected family circumstances happened and I had an autistic child and baby to look after.

To put this into context re. what is involved the amount of time I have to put into liasing with school senco, teachers, additional support workers, filling out forms, writing reports, carrying out intervention strategies, buying stuff for early intervention, attending NHS autism intervention workshops and other courses, having to do online courses on autism, helping child 4 hours a day with additional work as they are struggling… I mean it is mammoth and is akin to the amount of work I did for a university course. But this time I’m a Mum too!!

Of course your child could be neurotypical, but in the event they are autistic, all that time you have pencilled in for your own development and job etc is going to be soaked up by the additional needs of the child, as well as being a parent…

I would highly recommend using time available now to sort your work life so that you are well settled before a baby comes along, particularly if potentially a neurodiverse baby. Really can’t emphasise that enough for your own happiness.

I've had IVF and am autistic. Yes it was very stressful and invasive with lots of sensory triggers, but I didn't know I was autistic at the time, so there wasn't the possibility of any adjustments being made for this. Some parts of it were painful, but more the side effects of the drugs than the procedure itself. I had to inject myself with the drugs, which I found really upsetting.

If you don't have (or aren't aware of) any fertility issues, have you thought about using a sperm donor? That's got to be a lot less invasive and presumably easier to access than IVF.

i plan to use a sperm donor though not one from a random website, as if you do that what I’ve read seems to mean the father can gain access, which I really don’t want though I could be wrong, plus it seems very risky.

I don’t want to do iui as there’s low chances with that and I’d like to do genetic testing, not that have any reason to believe anything would be out of the ordinary but I just want to make sure I can have a baby as healthy as possible.

I can do ivf privately and I have plenty money so no issues there. Just need to lose weight.

thank you for replying.

I had IUI 3 times unsuccessfully, before IVF, but this was for male fertility issues. I'm not sure how useful the success stats would be in your case if you are, as far as you know, not infertile? I would certainly try the cheaper and less invasive tech first before moving onto IVF as it is gruelling with all the drugs, clinic visits and scans, it takes over your life while you're doing it. Even if you can afford it, I'd still avoid it if there's a less stressful route you could try first.

When I was looking for private IVF clinics some of them did information evenings or a free one to one consultation. It might be worth checking those out to get more accurate info and you'd also get an idea of how sensitive they would be about autism.

If you go on YT and search for Precious stars pad channel, the young lady is vlogging her experience of getting and being pregnant as a solo mother.

I recommend just having one kid. Autism has a genetic link. My autistic kids have opposite needs. Much easier to accommodate one child's needs into a family, especially as you gave your own set.

You are probably going to have to support them well into adulthood.

On the plus side, I found that I did cope better as I grew I to my thirties and forties. Things got harder in menopause so try to get them to adulthood before then. (Now's a good age )