I have adhd, and I do best when I can take a run at a task. Getting started on anything is hard, but once I get going I’m not too bad. But if my energy gets punctured it’s twice as hard to get going again.
It’s been so useful to learn this about myself. eg Instead of trying to clean with dh, who keeps interrupting me with questions, I now get him to make dinner and sort the dc while I whizz around and clean upstairs listening to music. Different division of labour.
But, ds is a teen with asd and is very demand avoidant (not diagnosed with PDA but that’s the aspect of his behaviour that is causing me most problems) and it is really HARD to get him to do anything. He needs slower transitions, and he just resists, resists as a default.
We’re an awful combination because it takes a lot of energy and persistence to get anything done, but he’s puncturing my energy because I can’t get into any flow.
I’ve had a really horrendous couple of months on the back of two tough years and it’s really showing now on ds.
We had a reasonable routine (limited screens- none on weekdays - one social activity, one swimming class and one exercise activity each week and the occasional play date) but the routine collapsed with lockdown. Keeping a routine with asd was okay, because even if he didn’t want the swimming lesson, the fact that it was time for his lesson competed with that. But once the structure broke down, it’s very very hard to change from his new routine.
And we’ve slid into an awful mess - far too much screen time that makes it hard to fit in anything else. No extra curriculars at all. He refuses to have friends (just people he’s friendly with in school) His diet is awful. He doesn’t study. He doesn’t help with chores. He struggles to wash, he wears the same clothes (we’ve had multiples of the same safe outfit but they need replacing) He resists school so that’s a battle every morning.
I’m completely worn out and I’ve nothing to show for it.
But, and I’m not making excuses, most of the strategies that are recommended aren’t going to work. Rewards were never successful with him. And anything that relies solely on me being perfectly emotionally regulated, super consistent, and powering through no matter what , is going to fail but I do not have that capacity. Most of the advice for dealing with ND children is predicated on the assumption that the parent is NT and I’m not.
To be clear he’s demand avoidant, but not ODD - he’s not particularly hostile or aggressive. And it’s only fair to add that school is a huge energy drain for him (but homeschooling isn’t an option because he can’t/won’t work at home or with me. He needs the herd and slight fear factor by his own admission)
Has anyone any resources to recommend or strategies that have worked? I’ve read Ross Greene which was helpful to a certain extent but I’m probably in this mess by being too understanding of his issues!
I’m thinking or ordering a time lock padlock for screen devices so I can’t give in because I need a break. - but that’s all I’ve come up with so far.
Any other tips or tricks at all would be welcome.
(I’m going to post this in SN children as well but I wanted it here too because I need the perspective and understanding of other ND adults)