Burning out. How not to?

[jamoncrumpets]

Combination of things: sick kids, very busy work period for DH, sick me, chronic health condition, PTSD triggered by season, autism and all the overwhelm that brings have laid me so low I have ceased functioning except for the basics: feeding the kids, keeping kids clean, doing school run, doing bedtime etc.

I'm not eating properly at all. Just picking things in the cupboard.

I try to go to bed early but autistic DC jumps all over me until he falls asleep at about 10pm.

Sick DC wakes me through the night for drinks, meds, me to help her have a wee etc.

At 6am we are all up for the day. It's getting harder and harder to drag myself out of bed.

Usually the DCs are at school and if I'm sick I can get a bit of rest in while they're out, but that hasn't happened for nearly two weeks. I can't shake off this virus I've had and my bones ache.

DH away at work or emotionally unavailable fretting about work.

I can feel myself burning out, it's happened before. How can I turn this around?

This sounds so tough. What support do you have? GP, counsellor, psychiatrist? Any family or friends who can offer practical support?

I heard the other day that it's important to distinguish between autistic burnout and depression. When you're depressed the advice is to re-engage with things you used to enjoy (eg socialising, exercising etc) but with burnout you basically need to rest and engage in your special interests. For me this would probably involve lying on the couch, reading and/or napping.

Also, acknowledge to yourself (and the DC if they can understand) that you are having a hard time. Lower all standards, feed kids and yourself wherever is easiest, and let everything else slide where you can.

Good luck to you

I have ceased functioning except for the basic

This shows you know exactly who you are and what you are doing as a woman and Mum with autism.

The basic, keeps everyone fed, loved and safe.
The basic gets you through the shitty but (logically transitory) unavoidable shit of the current now.
The knowing of this is why you have gone into 'Windows safe mode' for Autistic mums and you know what you are doing is going to be enough, not for ever, but for now.

What happens next?

Is husband a man who will respond to a red alert regarding burnout coming? If so sound it and tell him straight that you need a day in bed on a Saturday or Sunday with ZERO hassle or it's all going to collapse and he will be carrying that can.

Do you have a nice Mum or MIL who you can beg for support and who will dive at the chance to mother you for bit and help you? Are you an Autistic female soldierer who soldiers on and never leans in to the older Mum help? If so let them help you and be a bit pathetic for once, it amazed me how much my MIL really wanted to save me from myself once I let her. She was a bloody God send once I let her in. Not saying this is you, but if it is, call in support even better of your man is being useless and his Mom steams in to kick his arse.

Otherwise you have to do a downstairs mattress/ pillow fort and a giant bag full of high value snacks and shit and create a sort of 'take to your bed' chill that the kids will love and flop about with and accept because you have a massive bag of treats to dole out so long as they let you nap between films that your husband will be paying for on a movie streaming service that you charge movie by movie to his bank card.

Alternatively pack your bag and go to your Mums or a B&B and leave a note for your husband that you just can't do it all alone at this point as well as be ill. I have actually done this and he had a very fast adjustment.

If it is this bad and you can't get any help or rest, a day and night in a local B&B would do you and your family good and be worth it. Especially if it makes your husband wake up to the fact that you are tanking.

Lots of love hope you feel better soon and of course this will pass, but that is not the point is it?

I don't have the older mum help. My mum died before I had children and DH's mum we are NC with (she was abusive).

I think you urgently need a couple of days off, or at an absolute minimum 2 consecutive nights sleep.

I forget the science but there’s REM and nonREM sleep and when you get a full nights sleep your brain will prioritise one, leaving you with a deficit of the other, so you feel even shittier when you wake up. It’s the second night sleep that puts you back on your feet.

If you crash, your dh will have to step up to the plate. So pre emp this by stepping out while you still can.

I just checked the date you posted this …. how are you doing?

Tired, but ok. I can't pack my bags and go elsewhere, that option has never been on the table. I have a son with learning disability, autism, adhd, SPD, speech delay and he wouldn't understand mummy leaving him. The damage would be immense.