Easing with age?

[picklemewalnuts]

Can I ask your collective wisdom a question? Please ignore my post if it offends you. If no one answers I'll get it deleted. I'm aware this board isn't for me.

My husband is not diagnosed, but he recognises himself when he reads about it, scores very highly on the AQ test, other members of his family also seem to have a lot of autistic traits, at least.

We've had our struggles, but have very much reached a comfortable plateau now.

I've noticed in the last few years he's far better at considering my needs and being supportive than he was for the first 25+ years we were married.
It's like a light bulb has gone off, and he's seeing things from a wider perspective.
In other respects he's becoming more extreme- cares even less about the outside world and what other people think, social norms etc.

Have you found your neurodiversity has changed with age? Mid 50s now.

Do you think he's changing just because he's less stressed (working from home, considering neurodiversity in relation to himself)?

It's really nice! I'm heading into a happier decade together as a result, I'm just wondering what may be influencing it.

I don't want to ask him, because that might stress him out and be counter productive. He'd hate to think he'd been difficult to live with in the past. He's literally just started to notice how much he dominated the way we did things, and that it would have been easier for me to have had more support at some points. I don't want to upset him by drawing attention to it.

Anyway, thank you for reading and considering it, if you do!

Why can't you just let it be? He's happy, your happy, so why do you need a reason? Just be happy together.

I can really relate to how you describe your husband and aspects of your relationship.

I don't think it's aging that has mellowed me, more that I understand myself better since being diagnosed (or more likely, since I realised the possibility that I was autistic/adhd) and don't feel so confused about why I am the way I am or react the way I do.

How I see it is that now I have more understanding of how autism/ADHD has informed my life, I can apply better coping mechanisms going forward. I find I'm able to be more forgiving, but also hold myself accountable for bad things I've done, and feel I very 'zen' about the person I am now. I recognise my difficult traits and (try to!) take steps to openly address them in my relationship with dh. He's been really responsive to this and our relationship has hugely benefited.

I'm more open about my negative emotions now I understand why various things make me spiral. For example - a change in dinner plans might upset me. In addition to having to eat something I wasn't expecting, I'll also feel embarrassed about feeling upset about such an apparently small thing, which would lead me to internalizing the embarrassment, then withdrawing, being quiet and uncommunicative. Now I understand where it comes from, I'm much more comfortable being open about why such an insignificant (to most people) thing upset me which means that it's dealt with and I can move on from it more quickly.

Maybe he's been mulling it all over and is gaining these sorts of insights into himself? If so, then I think you will have a happier decade!

That's a really useful insight, Jenny, thank you. It's sparked a couple of thoughts.

For a long time it was me doing that examining process for him. Noticing on his behalf that he was getting stressed before the dentist etc. he's not good at identifying emotions.

Perhaps he's also realised that some of his behaviour impacts other people as well as him. I think that's a really big one actually. I think he didn't even realise he was having- and expressing- negative emotions. He just saw situations as inherently awful.

Hmm, lots to think about. Thank you!