'What is good about being autistic?'

[Autumndramas]

This question is from my DD12 who has recently been diagnosed. We've found out about successful autistic people and we've read the Libby Scott books which have been really helpful for her. I would really love to be able to give her some more everyday examples to share with her.

All the diagnosis report and much of the literature focuses on the negatives that lead to a diagnosis. And while I'm very proud of how she is taking in her diagnosis - she keeps saying she hates being autistic. What she hates is the challenges and difficulties and I don't really know what to say to her about this without being some condescending NT person telling her it means she can be really passionate about things like Greta Thunberg. Any advice/suggestions would be so useful - thank you.

To be fair to her, it is a bit shit being autistic. Validate her feelings stop minimising it.

This tbh, I as a kid and now preferred an ear to moan about the unfairness of autism/the World than someone listing positives, a lot of which didn't even apply to me. As its a new diagnosis it's going to feel weird and raw but also just as a teen and autistic it can suck, you realise how different you are.
I'd do things like helping her into hobbies etc she likes etc helps build confidence and finding your Tribe esp if that's a problem ag school.

Thank you @BlackeyedSusan . That's a really helpful comment. I've read lots about people talking about it being a superpower (I have struggled with this when I see the difficulties my DD has) and the importance of trying to be positive about a diagnosis and have probably been too carried away with that. But yes absolutely I need to validate her feelings more. 💐

I hate that superpower crap.

BUT both my husband and I are autistic, both diagnosed years after we got together, and I can count on one hand the amount of serious arguments we have ever had. We communicate clearly, state what we mean, when we want it by, why we are upset etc

We don't play stupid mind games like sitting in silence punishing a partner for not knowing whats in our head. We don't make each other guess our needs and complain when they are wrong.
(neurotypicals LOVE these arguments according to the moaning I hear around school)

We don't get pissed off because we don't do ambiguous comments like hmmm the bins full....I just say the bin needs emptied today etc Simple communication! Which works.

And NT's say we are crap at communicating... no, we are crap at reading minds, which as far as I know, isn't actually real, but NT's sure get angry when you can't!

So she can absolutely look forward to a fulfilling relationship (if she wants!) with most likely a neurodiverse partner with whom she can communicate effectively with.

Autism is definitely it a super power for me so I think it is important to appreciate that if she does feel like that
For me some of the things people have tell me about myself that I would say are positives
I am always truthful (this sometimes gets me in a lot of trouble at work but I was also cognised as someone who would speak up if something was not right)
I have very strong sense of right and wrong
I love animals
I am very loyal
I work hard at work and this is recognised
I always happy to help people if I can
My friend say I make everyone feel good about themselves cos I smile at them so I guess that is a good thing I am always happy to see people mostly and she say it cheer people up to see me smile when I happy to see people
I am good at jigsaw puzzles 🧩
the special interest thing is a strange one, cos I would say I not have one but spend every spare moment at the gym and take my days off around what gym classes I want to do. But puzzle 🧩 definitely my next favourite and my iPad games etc
Not sure if any of this will help

Sorry that should have read definitely “NOT”!

@WeirdPookah thanks for your comments. I had to chuckle at your depiction of NTs communication - expecting people to read their minds. I am very guilty of this😂. With my DD I know exactly what she is thinking - whether good or bad. It is a really positive way of seeing it thank you.

@PinkBuffalo
This is a lovely list of qualities and many of them are similar to my DDs I must make sure I remind her of them.

I'm glad it made you smile!

Being able to know what your daughter is feeling, even if it's a bad feeling is a GOOD thing in an adult relationship as well. If one of us feels down at, well the world in general or anything else, we don't shut down, we explain and find out what we need to fix it, do we need space? junk snacks and good TV? It just cuts out another common source of arguments between partners.

I would hope for her, that knowing this now will only help her in future relationships (I know this isn't your only question, it's just the angle I feel best able to help with). Had I known in the past that it wasn't me being "dramatic" "needy" "blunt" "demanding" but it was a difference in communication styles and that I was autistic, I wouldn't have accepted being verbally put down constantly by the NT people I was around.

I would have looked to people like myself to begin with, and now with the increase of availability of diagnoses, she is more likely to find like minded friends and in time more if she so wishes.

Can you get her to read up about the social model of disability? This is not perfect but focuses on how it is the lack of accommodations in the mainstream / NT world which is 'disabling'. Being neurodivergent means divergent from the 'norm' - we are square pegs being told we must fit into round holes (or being gaslit and told we are not square at all!)

For me, some things that have helped are:

• recognising and acknowledging difficulties / differences - some things are harder for us than other people

• think about the weird confusing things that NT people do that we don't have to - as someone mentioned above, ASD folk are typically very straightforward and this means we don't waste time taking around the problem! Another example might be that we can delight in our special interests and favourite stims - we listen to our bodies and do things that feel good which NTs miss out on because they are too self conscious!

• I am very into processes and efficiency which means I like to streamline things - I also have ADHD which means I am bad at following through on projects(!) but I can spot ways to do things differently

Hope this helps, and all the best to you and her

Autistic people have been responsible for (probably) the majority of inventions and advancement of society. (I feel uncomfortable about writing that though because ‘advancement’ is causing our destruction.)

It’s so tricky being autistic in that we want people to recognise our difficulties but in many ways we find a lot of NTs annoying and not very bright so we don’t want to see ourselves as faulty. They tell us that we see everything in black and white, when in my experience we see all the nuances and all the possibilities and outcomes (which is why we ramble as these new insights appear mid-sentence.) Of course, we’re all different and this style of communication is more a Myers Briggs ‘intuitive’ thing.

Many of our difficulties are caused by neurotypicals and when we’re together the difficulties tend to disappear. A few years ago I was talking to a woman who studied engineering at Cambridge….she said that the majority (maybe all) of them were autistic but they didn’t feel the need for a diagnosis because they understood each other. We do vary a lot of course but we’re usually pretty accepting of each other. The top universities have a disproportionately high number of autistics, particularly in engineering and maths.

It’s taken me so long to develop (I’m 50) due to a mum with (probable) borderline personality disorder and an exceptionally conventional take on life. Black and white thinking to the extreme and mocking of anyone even slightly different. Since learning about autism, personality disorders and Myers Briggs I have a very good understanding of people and can see through all the crap. I’m still too honest though and tend to over share information that comes back to bite me in the bottom.

I hope this isn’t taken the wrong way, but as a person with adhd, I like being around my autistic friends and family because it’s like they broadcast a strong radio signal instead of all the noise you get from NTs.

I hugely envy the ability to focus in depth but in a sustained, consistent way.

I love this description.

Thank you for all the comments. They are really helpful 💐.