ADHD - recent diagnosis

[Minkyscamp]

I've just today been diagnosed with ADHD (combine type) at the age of 39.

I have lots of thoughts churning around my head about my childhood, failed relationships, and how I've coped with careers/parenthood etc etc... but the voice that's currently shouting the loudest is the one saying I shouldn't tell anyone as they won't believe me. Or that in some way, that women becoming diagnosed in later life is a 'trend'.

I know deep down I don't need to justify myself to anyone, but after a lifetime of trying to appear 'normal' I don't suppose it's that strange that I'm worrying about what others will think. Including my own parents who I've spent my entire life trying to seek validation from.

Can anyone relate? Any tips on how to move on post diagnosis in a healthy way?

I had my Autism diagnosis just under a year and a half ago at 40 for reference.

You don't have to rush into anything, into telling anybody. You can take the time to get comfortable with the facts and what, if any, accommodations you would benefit from, or how you want to explain things to people, who needs to know and why.

It feels so dramatic getting a diagnosis, the sudden realisation your life could have been different somehow had it been noticed years ago. There is almost a grieving process to go through for the "what could've been's"

But there isn't a time frame for feeling comfortable, I have only recently been making it more public with my second child starting school, and wanting this set of parents to understand me better and (hopefully) not be raging cows over me being a bit different.

@WeirdPookah thank you for your reply. Yes, it does feel dramatic in a way. I just don't know what to do with this information, and I'm liable to blurt it out - over sharing and impulsivity are a problem for me - so I want to make a decision about who I'm prepared to tell and then try to stick to it, as otherwise I'll tell people by mistake!

Fingers crossed for you for no cows at the school gate.

Yes I've recently been diagnosed, late 30s as well. I've only told those closest to me that helped me with the statements submitted as proof.

On one hand I do have a fear that some might make the 'you're just making excuses' comment if I explained why I forgot something for the thousandth time.

On the other hand I'm going to stop being apologetic for doing/not doing things in the way that someone else would expect (and that has absolutely no impact on them).

TBH I've known for many years that I've had it, it feels good to me to finally have it in writing.

This I exactly how I felt when I received my ASD in July aged 31.

I cried for child me who always wanted to be 'normal' but now never could be.

I have shared my diagnosis with a ridiculously supportive head teacher and mentor who have placed supportive measures in place.

I do pick and choose who I share my diagnosis with as I am so scared of being rejected.

I have started person centered therapy with a counselor who specialises in ASD people. It's been amazing and I would recommend it to anyone who wants to sort out the thoughts and ideas in their heads without fear of recrimination.

I also love that I've found this side of Mumsnet ☺️

Thank you @NippyWoowoo and @Whycantyoulickmyfootmummy - it's so comforting to hear from others who understand.
I guess I need to try and bide my time and just sit with this new info for a while. Patience isn't my strong point, but I really don't want to tell people and then regret it.

I had my diagnosis at 41 - about 6 months ago. I found it overwhelming initially, but as time has worn on I have found that having a diagnosis is a tremendous relief. So much fits into place and you begin to stop internalizing stuff so much (e.g., thinking you forget people's birthdays because you're crap rather than because your brain is different from others). I am an oversharer, so I couldn't keep the diagnosis to myself. I have told close family and friends, including my parents. They resisted the diagnosis at first because they didn't understand the condition properly, but they more or less accept it now. Given it is such a heritable condition, one or both your parents probably have it too in any case! I have not told people at work or people who are in my wider friendship circle yet. I probably never will as I don't think they need to know. There is a lot of trauma associated with late diagnosis - because you've spent a lifetime masking and internalizing the challenges you've faced. Therapy helps with that and I recommend you start seeing someone regularly.

Also, ADHD is very much real. I find it bizarre that people doubt its existence but things like dyslexia or schizophrenia or depression are accepted. There are numerous research studies which have found differences in the ADHD brain versus a "normal" brain using brain imaging technology. I don't know what more proof people need!

@dillydally24 I'm glad to hear it's not just me that struggles with oversharing - it's such an annoying trait!

Thank you - reading about your experience has been very helpful. I do feel hugely overwhelmed at the moment. I agree therapy would probably be a good idea, but I need to get through the cost of getting settled onto medication and transferred to the NHS before I can consider the cost of therapy I think.

Can I ask whether you have opted to try medication?

Yes to the medication. I'm on 70mg of Elvanse a day and have found it HUGELY helpful. I do think it's worth exploring medication options, especially stimulant medications. They are usually well tolerated and can be quite effective in symptom management. Go for the medication first. That will make a big impact. Then explore therapy. There are tonnes of books and podcasts that will help too. On the books, I recommend Understanding ADHD in Women and Girls by Joanne Steer and Women with ADHD by Sari Solden. Get the audiobooks instead of the physical copies if you can't face reading an actual book. That's what I do. On the podcast side, I like ADHD Adults. It strikes a balance between flippant and sweary, and serious and reflective, which I like. Lastly, if it's relevant, pay attention to your menstrual cycle and ask for a progesterone-light pill if you are on the pill. Oestrogen lessens ADHD symptoms while progesterone worsens them, so you tend to notice that your symptoms are worse at certain times of the month if you're not on the pill, or, if you are, your progesterone-only pill could be making them worse all the time. Hope this helps!

@dillydally24 it does help, so much, thank you! I'll definitely try the podcasts. Currently I have about 4/5 started books on ADHD - maybe one day I will get round to reading them!

My dr has prescribed methylphenidate which I'll hopefully start in a couple of weeks. I'm really hopeful for an improvement with this, but I know it's not a magic bullet.

It's funny you should mention hormones, because my ADHD symptoms are much worse during the luteal phase of my cycle. I'm in it now and can barely function.
I'm in peri, according to my GP, who has offered me HrT. I'm going to try and get stabilised on some stimulant medication and then start exploring HRT options. Sounds like there is quite a strong connection between oestrogen and adhd from the little I've read.

Thanks so much for replying, it gives me hope to hear from others in a similar position!