Staying away because you can’t cope

[AutieAdult]

I’m not sure if I’m going to explain well. A parent having serious surgery. When I am with them the family dynamic is not good. I cause arguments due to misunderstanding. I deal badly with illness in others.

I’m here now, already one row.
Does anyone else just want to stay away not because they don’t love the person but that you think it will make things worse?

Hi OP. I don't have advice but didn't want to ignore your thread. I hope you are ok. Hope someone will come along soon who can help.
When you say "I'm here now" do you mean at the hospital?

No back with DParents at home. I hate that I can’t cope but I know it. I’ve caused serious problems in the past. Maybe things would be different if I had had a diagnosis and help for autism as a child.

How are you this evening OP? Are things any better?

Not too bad tonight. Tough day with DM talking about what to do if worst happens for various different issues.

Why don't you say to them that you care, but you know coping with illness in others isn't your forte and what would make things easiest for them, staying there or supporting from a distance?

My mother is autistic and always makes things much worse when she comes to "help" if me/my kids are unwell. I wish she had some awareness that this just isn't something she is good at!

Hi @BlueQuiltedViolets
I do generally stay away or stay away or they don’t tell me. This is too serious for that (be in icu) I think my DM always hopes I’ll be different but I know that I won’t. She thinks I don’t care.

im already disappointing them. I don’t want to go to a special service that is happening at church because I know I will probably break down (not autism just upset) I broke down at normal church this week and I hated it . I was asked do I want to come. I said no but that I would go if they really wanted me to. Even as I was saying it I knew I was supposed to have guessed that she wants me there so it was “I’d like you there” not “do you want to come?”

Now it’s no good saying I’ll go because the whole thing was about doing something for someone else - too late. I think she thinks it’s because I just don’t want to change routine.

It’s all about the empathy that I don’t have or maybe know how to express. I hate myself so much right now.

Please be kind to yourself, this is a hugely stressful event and no-one would be able to get the support right all the time.

Sorry if I'm off the mark here, but you say your DM thinks you don't care, have you explicitly told her that you care? And that your reason for initially saying you wouldn't go to the service was because you know you'll break down? A lot of misunderstandings can be fixed up with clear communication.

It's obvious from your posts how much you care, your DM might just not know that, as she doesn't understand you well.

A slightly different scenario but yes, I understand your feeling that staying away from a situation might actually be for the best. Of course, when a loved one is seriously I’ll, maybe not even expected to live, it might be that just your presence is enough. Just literally, “being there”?

I’ve recently lost my marriage of 17yrs by absenting myself from a situation I knew I’d be a) inadequate at and b) not really missed.

In a sense it doesn’t matter the reason, that should be overcome for the good of the other person. I know I’m generally not good at that outside of all this stress. For the moment I need to try to just stay stable.

In my DM (and I presume most people NT/ND view just saying I love you doesn’t mean anything if what you do doesn’t follow through. It can be just parroted words. My DM doesn’t feel I value her or her feelings.

personally I think I’m a bit selfish though I can’t imagine how as I had really good role models from my parents. Even now here I am discussing intellectually but didn’t follow through when it mattered.

We’re all entitled to politely decline an event for personal reasons. Your mum sounds uneducated about how autism feels. Does she know you believe you might have it?

You can show you care “socially” by checking in often to see how they are, offering to help their close family out in practical ways that save them time and brain space (cook them a massive lasagne / feed their cats / take their bins out, get them shopping in, drop off sandwiches etc.

Personally I’ve been perceived as “cold” because of blunt face or feeling overwhelmed so staying very much “inside myself”. Either that or I’m the one stress-cleaning the kitchen while everyone else talks it out in the living room. I can’t physically handle the heaviness sometimes.

Thanks
it did get resolved. I have a formal diagnosis of ASD but only as an adult. I think my DM understands intellectually and autism but maybe find it harder day to day. I actually think that’s mutual - I find NT difficult to understand.

my DM did her best with me to get a diagnosis when I was a teenager and we frankly had a rubbish psychologist.

Surgery tomorrow.

Hoping all goes well with the surgery.

How are you today? How did the surgery go?

The surgery went well. For me finding it harder to cope. Just beginning of everything because now depending on cancer spread or not. I want it all over but it won’t be long time.

One day at a time. Seriously, that’s what you must concentrate on. Further than that is too much.

I have a trauma in my life right now and I just get me and DS through one day. At a time.