This is mainly a vent, and not expecting anyone to solve this for me, just need to vent and sorry it is a bit of a long one. If anyone has any thoughts would love to hear them.
Have name changed as haven’t spoken to anyone about this IRL, and don’t want this connected to any of my other posts.
I have suspected for a while that I reside somewhere on the spectrum. Without going too much into detail, official diagnosis would have some practical implication to my life, so in a process of seeing if that would be possible.
With my local authority the process is that you need to fill in a self assessment (Cambridge scale & something else) and get a parent or guardian to fill in a detailed form about childhood development.
And this is where my problem comes in. I am in my mid 40’s, and have a slightly complicated relationship with my parents, who divorced when I was a child. We live in different countries.
Asking my father to fill in the form is out of the question for various reasons.
My relationship with my mother is good but guarded. She has a history of gaslighting me & my siblings to make events fit how she wants them to. For example there are circumstances around my parents divorce that me & my siblings remember clearly, but when asked, my mother point blank denies they ever happened.
So when I asked her to fill in the form, I emphasised how important it was for me, and how she should answer truthfully and neither attempt to protect me, or ramp things up for an effect.
She does not believe I am on the spectrum, I don't think she believes spectrum exists in functional form.
She has sent the form back to me filled, and it is a perfect story of me as the easiest, loveliest child known to mankind without any quirks. The only section where she goes into detail is to talk about a childhood bed wetting incident to embarrassing detail.
My memories of my childhood just do not match what is written out. For example, as long as I can remember, I have not sought physical contact with others (hugs/cuddles), and remember actively resisting it on several occasions. She’s written down something along the lines of ‘loved cuddles and actively sought physical contact as child.’
I also was prone to frequent spectacular meltdowns as s a child. I remember a lot of these, and they have been referred to in conversations with both of my parents since my childhood. She has written down that I ‘got little bit upset when hungry or tired’. Previously she has spoken about me having ‘bang head against the wall’ type meltdowns that lasted until I exhausted myself. So I know she remembers these and agrees they happened.
I just don't know what to do, and feel that this is probably the end of the road seeking assessment. I can not send the form as it is, they would have one look at it and scrub me of the list. Faking it to fit my own memories just really does not sit well with me. I could do it on the paper but would need to fess up in face to face appointment and the thought of it makes me tense.
I can’t speak to my mum about this, she’ll just deny everything. I’m now kicking myself I did not just take her by surprise and read the questions over the phone any transcribe her answers there & then.