Making it work with a NT partner

[Justbecause19]

I am the NT partner, DH is more then likely ADHD and autistic. We have come to the realisation because of our son being referred on the assessment pathway. A lot now makes sense but our relationship ship now feels like a mess. Our communication is awful and I think we are both unhappy. Any tips from anyone in relationships with a NT? Also has anyone had any couples therapy focusing on the dynamic as a couple and how to make it work?

I am ADHD - late diagnosis at 41 - and my DH is NT though with major anxiety issues. Communication is our black spot, made especially bad in the past by my RSD and emotional dysregulation. Post-diagnosis, we are doing a lot better. I would even go so far as to say we are happy! I could not have imagined saying this 12 months ago. I would say the first step in healing your relationship is for your DH to get a formal diagnosis and to pursue treatment options (meds for the ADHD and therapy for the ADHD and ASD). This makes a huge impact. Also, read read read! The more you know about the conditions (on both sides) the more you understand one another and are therefore able to see why and how your communication is going wrong. The ADHD Effect on Marriage by Melissa Orlov, for example, is very good. There are many counselors/therapists who specialize in ND relationships (where one or both partners are ND). I think Melissa Orlov lists a bunch on her website. We have used one and it has helped tremendously, although it can be very expensive. Good luck with figuring this out. With the right help your relationship can turn around so much you would hardly believe it possible. x

Also, your DH is very lucky to have a partner who is clearly empathetic and committed to putting in the work to understand her ND spouse. It isn't easy, but it can be surprising how much progress you make once you're both on board. ND-NT relationships can be amazing, I think, precisely because these couples have to work harder to understand one another and are therefore very committed. Keep the faith! x

Some good advice here, but I would add that your DH needs to be prepared to put in the work and not just demand that you 'accommodate' his differences. You may need to do some things differently / adjust your expectations but you should only do this if you are confident that your DH is also committed.

Good luck to you all