Shame around not having friends

[bunglegeorgeandzippy11]

As a child I had a few friends, but I was the kind of child who got picked on all the time and I was so sensitive and cried all the time that I became an easy target for people. Due to all the bullying and also being in a couple of abusive relationships, I find it impossible to trust anyone.

I have joined meetup groups for things I'm interested in such as crafts, walking, reading etc but found a lot of cliques or people just not wanting to speak to me.

I mask pretty well, I'm a little anxious sometimes but I'm always kind, friendly and open and I know I'm a good person but I just seem to repel people without doing anything at all. I feel pathetic and ashamed that I don't have any friends. I have some friends that live at the opposite end of the country but they never have any interest in meeting up.

I'm always reading about how bad isolation is but I've done everything to try to meet people and it rarely works out, its very disheartening and upsetting to be disliked when you are just trying to be yourself. Can anyone relate or offer any advice if you found something that worked?

I can relate to this but I don't have an answer. It seems as though in almost any given group, everyone will bond except me, but I have no idea really why I can't fit in. I don't think I am disliked so much as I don't register properly as existing with them. I've resigned myself to it more or less but I do sometimes feel lonely.

@BoardLikeAMirror I'm sorry it's the same for you. Not registering is exactly it.

I'm so sorry it's all such a struggle OP. I could have written your first paragraph. However, I spent my late teens and early 20s self-medicating, and had several 'friendships' with other people in that scene that were doing the same thing. I was then able from my mid-twenties to get enough social input from working with vulnerable people, so didn't miss out from the lack of close friendships. Then that all went out of the window due to becoming physically disabled and losing my job. Which was ok at first as menopause had amplified my sensitivity to all the stimulus of being out in the world, so I had a lovely period of truly being happy as a bit of a hermit. But then I started attending craft fairs as a maker to try and earn some money, made friends with a bunch of creatives and I've seemingly finally found my tribe, completely accidentally! As in I have actual friends, with whom I converse and drink coffee and actually have a relationship. It's clearly because there's a much higher concentration of ND folk in the arts and crafts world, and I no longer stick out like a sore thumb. Crikey, this is really long, so sorry! My question to you is do you think that this may work for you at all? Meeting some arty/crafty folk I mean? You said you'd tried a craft group, but I wondered if there was any scope for trying a different one? Or if you're crafty, trying out selling something at a fair or two, to meet some like-minded folk without it being an established group/a situation where you're being forced to be sociable?

How old are you OP? I could have written the same. I've just accepted things now and prefer cats and books to people. I socialise on mumsnet🤣

This is me too :(

@PangoPurrl that is so wonderful that you have found your tribe. I love knitting and am soon hoping to join a knitting group thats for gay and bisexual women, so i know they will already be an accepting group but going into a group of people I don't know still terrifies me :) I too have seen how many ND people are crafty and creative.

@AlternativelyWired I'm 38. I too adore cats and books 💗

@Mrstiggywinkle44 so sorry it's the same for you. Crap isn't it?😖

Thanks @bunglegeorgeandzippy11 😻 Ah, that's great, fingers crossed for the new group, sounds promising. There's something to be said for meeting/conversing with new people whilst doing an activity, it definitely feels less pressured and gives you a way to take part even if you're a bit quiet at first/always!
My cats are the absolute joy of my life, so the thought of one day hardly seeing people from day to day only bothers me if for some reason I don't have a cat or 5 at that point!

I’m exactly the same. I’d love to know people IRL like me. Never going to happen though, I fear.

Disclaimer: I'm not diagnosed, and it's only recently dawned on me in middle age that I may well be autistic - I've certainly passed the threshold on online tests.

I was a sensitive child too. I didn't have friends at all until 13 at school, was bullied and I've always been slow to make friends. Also friends don't tend to last outside of the situation I met them in. I'd say DH is my only close friend now and he also seems to have autistic traits, but not identical ones to me.

I have friendly acquaintances through a musical hobby now and enjoy social contact where I can talk about the hobby although on occasion I still feel lost in small-talk situations. One group I was in was terribly cliquey, but the next two have had different group dynamics and I've enjoyed being around them far more. So it's worth keeping on trying if you feel like it (and also knowing when to give up, I should have quit that first group at least a year before I did).

I still prefer cats and books though!

😊 “cats and books”

Books and long walks with my dog 😊