Rejection post adult diagnosis

[TheSecondMrsMoorcroft]

I’m 5yrs post diagnosis. After asking for husband/family help (they’ve never acknowledged my differences) my husband has asked for a divorce.

I feel so rejected. I’m losing everything because I’m not acceptable as I am. I’m a terrific masker but finally, it comes to this because I’ve asked for help/allowances going forward.

Feeling very very low.

What an awful thing to happen What do your family think of your husband's behaviour? If he isn't prepared to support you, and love you for the person you are, you are probably better off without him, but you're going to have to get through a difficult time to reach that better place. Do you have friends who are supportive of you?

The usual MN advice applies, of course, to 'get your ducks in a row' - do you have children to consider?

Try not to feel rejected. It isn't you he's rejecting, it's a false image of you that he's built up, a person who doesn't exist - it sounds as though he doesn't even know the real you. This says everything about him, and nothing about you.

I'm so sorry
I don't even know what to say. What an utter dick he is.

@ofwarren I have PM’d you. Hope you don’t mind.

Hoping your son is better now?

@BoardLikeAMirror A small number of friends (I am Aspie, after all!) May I direct you to the thread “I don’t know where to start with this”? Much will become clear. I have family and an asd son who is an adult and has taken it badly. He struggles hugely with change. My family are a two hour drive away. No local support really.

Also, I feel a huge sense of shame like I’ve tried so hard and failed; not up to “standard”. I also feel like this is the first mistake I’ve made in this relationship. I’ve subjugated my own needs, been on the receiving end of ridicule and hostility and now, I’ve “come out” as I am and I’ve been rejected.

Am I making any sense?

You are making sense. Im so sorry this has happened, its absolutely not your fault, you deserve to be loved for who you are, you have not failed.
I hope you have support IRL, be kind to yourself. Its early days but get your ducks in a row, see a solicitor, make sure you have copies of all financial records and if you can transfer 50% of any savings/money in joint accounts to your own account-and possibly more than 50% if you have dependent DC.

Can I ask what the allowances were? Did he feel they were unreasonable?

his family visiting with grandchildren Four night stay. Eight of us in a small house. I washed, cleaned, shopped, ensured sufficient alcohol and “hosted for three of the days and took an afternoon out for some me time away from the chaos and social necessities. My crime was to visit two friends. DH said that he felt betrayed and I’d made his daughters feel unwelcome because I’d said I needed a break from social stuff and then went out “socialising”. I saw two friends separately for a period of approx 4hrs total. A sandwich in a cafe with one and a glass of lager later on, in someone’s garden, before driving home to clear the kitchen of the dishes DH and his family had used but left for me.

I think he and his family thought I was going to sit in a darkened room with a fidget spinner.

Also, did my share of cuddling new baby and trying to engage with busy noisy two year old.

@OriginalUsername2 The allowance made was that I was allied time out for an afternoon. We’ve a small house and 8 people in it is over full!!

His daughter was “shocked/offended” that I’d not just gone for a quiet coffee with a book. The issue was my meeting up with an old friend and “socialising”. It made his adult (late20’s early 30’s) daughters feel unwelcome.

I remember your previous thread. Don't see it as rejection, see it as a lucky escape! You get to rebuild your life in a way that works for YOU. He sounded like an a-hole and his family likewise. He's probably the sort that if you'd suddenly gone blind would have made a fuss when you asked him to not move the furniture unexpectedly. You are well rid of him. It's not a reflection on you at all, it's him showing his true colours.

Oh I can really relate to this! I’ve lived with my partners family, plus had more of the family stay for longer than a week, multiple times! I had to strategically plan to go to my friends house at least one of the days while they were to get a break from it all.

They didn’t understand how suffocating it was for me. Not having a single place to go and breath for 5 minutes, having to a social person from the moment I opened my eyes sometimes.

I’m an introverted person with social anxiety and a resting bitch face. Weaker people in the family have taken it personally to the point of thinking I hate them.

There was no “Is she okay, something must be bothering her.. maybe it’s one of the many awful things she’s been through.. maybe she’s missing her family.. maybe she’s not used to a crowded house..” It just went straight to “She clearly hates us!”

I literally had to shout all this at them in tears for them to get it.

You really seem to be in a them vs you situation here. My DP gets how I am (he’s as peculiar as me!) so he supported me and reassured me we were solid whatever the outcome of all the drama. Your DP is using a poor excuse to leave you.

This is a man that doesn’t want to understand you or support you and puts his family before you. You will be better off in the long run without this man and his family in your life.

I burst out laughing at your comment about them expecting you to sit in the dark with a fidget spinner 😂

@TheSecondMrsMoorcroft

Have you posted about this relationship before under a different user name as it all sounds familiar? or perhaps I'm losing the plot 😫

@Clarice99 Yes. I got quite some grief for “exposing” husband’s daughter. Hadn’t realised I had. Don’t think I did, actually.

Gosh, I'm sorry to hear that. Was the 'grief' on this board or elsewhere on the forum?

Not quite sure how you could have exposed her? Unless you posted her name which would be quite tempting given what a git she is!!! 😂😂😂

No, I encouraged H to read it so he’d understand better. He didn’t and when his kids read it they felt they’d been betrayed and exposed. The fact that I was desperate for some understanding, kindness and help was irrelevant.

Betrayed and exposed! What utter nonsense. You didn't expose them, nor did you betray them. We don't know who any of them are, nor are we likely to in future.

They're all so self-absorbed.

I can't say I'm sorry he's asked for a divorce (based on what you've written about him and his family on here) as he sounds absolutely horrible - controlling, abusive and completely unworthy of you and I would be lying to say 'sorry'.

What I am sorry for is that you are feeling so rejected, so low and full of self blame. I know I'm repeating myself but it's not you! The breakdown in the relationship is going to be life changing for you, but it will be for the better as your husband is not a nice person and you deserve far more💐

My son and I (having ASD) don’t deal with change well. That’s probably why it took me 17yrs to realise I was being manipulated and controlled. I’ve had 3 counselling sessions and the therapist said “You do realise you are in an abusive relationship?” Yet, what lies ahead is very daunting and I feel almost paralysed with fear.

As with so many people, the last three years have taken a massive toll. Since Oct 19 I’ve lost my mum, the man who was a father to me, my son tried to end his life this year, my husband and soon, my home too. We just go on don’t we? We have to remain in the same house together and that’s excruciating. He’s so angry with me and his contempt is writ large in everything he does. It was my 60th yesterday. I put on a brave face for DS but after all those years, nothing. Not a card, a “Happy Birthday” not a conversation of any sort.

I’ve got some good stuff planned this and next weekend to celebrate but the actual day? 😔

Belated Happy Birthday @TheSecondMrsMoorcroft 🍰

I can appreciate that it's a very, very challenging situation for you (and your son) and I fully understand why it's taken you so long to accept that your relationship is toxic. However, now that it's 'out there', change has to take place for your wellbeing and safety. Whilst it may seem as though your life is a bottomless pit of despair right now, focus on your future without this abusive, controlling monster in your life.

You may not have had the 60th birthday celebrations you'd have liked, but next year things will be different as your husband will/should be out of your life completely.

@Clarice99 Thank you. It’s all grim right now, for sure.

It can only get better. I’m too old to make more mistakes.

Yes, I remember your other thread and yes, this is abusive relationship. Believe your therapist. At some point you will get enough distance to see this clearly for yourself.

You are in an abusive relationship = there is nothing wrong with you. Your H is abusive. There is everything wrong with him.

Struggling.

Am getting a divorce. Husband and I have to live in the same property. No choice. He ignores me totally but talks to the dog and ds. DS has Asd and OCD and is in hyper anxiety OCD mode now. Three hour long showers a day, constant changes of clothing, health fixations and bed stripping in the night. He hasn’t been this way for a very long time. I’m clinging on, trying to be upbeat so that he doesn’t try to take his own life again.

I hate my husband. I can’t leave. He punishes me with silence and sneering remarks every so often. I’m wondering how long I can do this for. He has destroyed our marriage, our home and financial safety (at a time when so many people are struggling); the house is for sale but viewings are few and far between and he just looks at me
like I’m an axe murderer and tells me I am a liar and unforgivable. I am utterly utterly broken. I know I’ll be better off without him but the process is only 7 weeks in and the stress is horrendous.

And my son. My beautiful over sensitive son is spiralling downward mentally and husband just keeps walking about whistling and saying “all right, mate?”

I thought I was the one with the communication problem. I feel nothing but hatred for this man now.

Oh OP
This just came up.on my phone and I couldn't scroll past.
I am so so sorry, what a terrible situation.
I wish I had a magic wand or a lottery win to whisk you and your son away.
But all I can do is say I hear you, I'm sorry and send a virtual hug.
I hope in time it gets easier.
Do you or your son have any help for your MH.
Please see if your GP can help on this regard.
Try and put up boundaries with "d" h.
Do what you can to survive.
Non of this is your fault.
I hope someone comes along with practical advice and experience soon

@Runnerduck34 It’s so kind of you to read and reply. Thank you for the hug.

I made the mistake of trying to be amicable because I hate confrontation; it’s impossible. It’s part of my asd, my psyche to NEED to fully understand; to ruminate and find sense in a situation and none of this makes sense. The “punishment” doesn’t fit the “crime”.

The help with mental health won’t happen. DS tried to take his own life in February and so far, we’ve had no support. He has an appointment next Thursday. The first, since February. He has had counselling but privately. I booked 6 counselling sessions but only had 3. The counsellor felt I was in an abusive relationship and advised that DH might do better to access the remaining sessions. DH refused.

He just keeps saying “You know what you’ve done, what you are” but actually, I’ve no idea. I think he’d like me to be tarred and feathered and dragged through the streets

This will only make sense to people if they’ve seen the whole thread and it’s sister thread.

I’ve spent my entire marriage doing “the right thing” and when I step out of my costume/disguise I am vilified.

Have you contacted Women's Aid? If not, I urge you to do so, please. Also seek legal advice. Women's Aid may be able to signpost for this.

www.womensaid.org.uk

Your 'husband' is an abusive, controlling cunt and you need support beyond this forum. The situation you are living in now sounds like hell for you and your son. The previous poster's suggestion of seeing your GP is a good one. Your GP will be able to signpost you to relevant local agencies re: domestic abuse. Expose the bastard that you have the misfortune of being married to. It's all on him, not you.

I suggested several months ago that you post about this on the Relationships board as there are so many women who have lived through, and come out the other side, situations such as yours. That advice still stands.

Take care 💐

For your need to understand, perhaps give Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That?' a go. You won't get answer from your husband, as he would have to admit that he was at fault and abusive.

Also, as suggested, Women's Aid.

Massive hugs to you and your DS.