I am 38 years old and awaiting assessment in the UK. i cannot afford private assessment (approx 2k in NI pre pandemic). I grew up with a verbally and physically abusive father so I always thought that my lack of social and practical life skills were due to not experiencing what most kids do in their childhood (ie long conversations and play with your family, family encouraging you to do things by yourself instead of telling you you are useless and doing them for you so the father won’t get angry…). i often have this melt downs, and i always thought that they were a symptom of “being aware that i am useless”, and called it depression and anxiety however, my inability to plan things and organise myself makes me question whether my brain works like it supposed to do in a normal adult.
I took today off work to bring my daughter to pre school for 2.5 hours (her second day!). First of all, i was 20 mins late. the 1st day my husband took her and i observed a lot of traffic. It didn’t occur to me that i would need extra time too. I think i was obsessing with all the tidying up i had to do in the house that morning and i couldn’t think clearly. When we arrive, i notice DD has dry milk around her mouth. I forgot to bring the “`baby bag” with wipes and change of clothes so i cleaned her with my wet finger. DD has a very strong gag reflex and starts gagging and then vomiting on the car seat. I dont have anything to clean her with, so i take her into the school and they bring me wipes to clear her up (she has a second set of clothes there). She wants to go to class but the teacher says that she can’t because she vomited (infection control), i explained but she said it was the rules. I basically started crying and told her i didn’t agree with this in front of other parents dropping their kids. Teacher was so taken a back that took her in.
I go back home crying, put the laundry with all the dirty items (including brand new uniform which costs 40£, including her red shoes, which i know they stain a lot if cleaned with water and a brush). I still thought well, they have vomit on it, desinfecting them in the washing machine is a priority. I go to collect her back from pre school. 15 mints into the 20 mins drive, i remember that the car seat is on the house as i took it out to clean it. I start crying again surprised at my own stupidity. as i arrive the washing machine beeps: i realise all clothes i put in the wash (i put in all clothes on the laundry basket to make the washing machine full) are pink. More panic and tears. I rang my husband
( who was a t work) as i realised it wasn’t safe for me to drive ( i was hitting the kerbs on my way in with my attention being all over the place). My daughter was collected 1 hour late, husband annoyed as he had a meeting. I am just crying and with a headache now for the rest of the day.
Meltdowns like this happen about once a month when something goes wrong or i am not able to do/plan something i was supposed to do. i also keep making mistakes with the washing machine and ruining clothes (i had been doing it well for a few years, its like i am getting worse). i know the rules of the washing machine but i cannot reason sometimes, its like i have too many thoughts and to shut them down i take a quick decision. i cannot even recognise that i am making a bad decision. if things dont go the way they have to be, i dont know what to do, i freeze and i feel like hiding under my bed.
Why i cannot be like a normal adult? take decisions, plan and be on time. Not obsess about things to the point that i cannot do anything else. This is impacting my DD and husband. i dont know where to seek help to change. CBT didn’t work in the past as i overanalyse everything and never got anything done.
How can i not traumatise my daughter by being this crazy and useless? Just imagine that one day that we have a real problem, i can’t barely manage everyday nuisances!