Relationship advice please from ppl with ADHD / ASD

[adhdforme]

Back story: I've been with my husband for 20yrs. Have 2 children together. I strongly suspect my older child has ADHD and probably ASD as well. My youngest it's just too early to tell. But she's pretty hyperactive and crazy and then just crashed the minute nursery or play time stops. Any time I suggest they may have ADHD he flips out at me and verbally abuses me and throws out down after put down at me. I hate confrontation so I never really bite back.

Anyways after a very chaotic evening with both children I asked him if he thought that was normal. And he firmly said yes. Yes it is. You're just not around children enough. I have just been diagnosed with ADHD the other week after waiting 2yrs. aside from me telling him I've been diagnosed he's not asked me one question about it. I had him bring my prescription with him to the supermarket because he was going and he's not asked about it. Not asked one single question about my diagnosis or my medication! I'm waiting to start it until I return back to work in a week when I'll need it most. But I know from previous conversations he isn't on board with "brain altering drugs" as he calls them.

I said to him this evening that after I get myself better I'm going to try and get help for the kids. He FLIPPED the fu<k out. Telling me "don't you dare. Don't you dare." And then going off in a verbally abusive rant for 20 mins muttering put downs and threats to me. Saying he won't stand for it anymore and how I don't respect him and how he supports the house and how I have no stress in my life because I have a "normal job" (which he hates and disapproves of because it gives off the impression that I'm more successful than I am and I make shit money). There are times I actually find it incredibly stressful. He was muttering and walking away (he does that a lot) so I couldn't hear entirely what I was saying. But basically he was saying he's had enough of me and was threatening me with divorce (not the first time he's done that either). He calls me toxic. Says I don't contribute to the house or pull my weight. Basically his life is a sob story if you hear it from him.

To give him credit he does a hell of a lot to make up for my ADHD brain and I get that I'm tough to live with. He runs his own business and supports our family, he has to ask me to do things multiple times and sometimes they still don't get done. I forget stuff all the time. He takes them to school and their activities. Knows and chats to the other parents while I forget their names and faces even after 6 years.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like NT people will automatically just jump and say leave him. But I don't think they realise how difficult it can be living with someone with adhd and constantly picking up their slack. I'm not really in a financial or career position to get a divorce and I genuinely don't know what to do.

Would appreciate some advice from other ND people.

I know it can be incredibly challenging sometimes living with people with ADHD but that doesn't mean I would speak to them in an abusive way. It doesn't mean I would put them down. It doesn't mean I would refuse to discuss anything with them. It doesn't mean I would totally disregard their opinion and it doesn't mean I would insult them.

Stop excusing his behaviour.
You do not "deserve" to be treated badly full stop. Nothing to do with you having ADHD or not.

I second what @Kite22 said. This man sounds abusive in many ways. You didn't deserve to be spoken to like that. Why does he not want to discuss your children potentially having ADHD?

Oh god this is NOT normal.

Congratulations on getting your ADHD diagnosis, I hope it was positive for you, it was for me - an explanation of why I'd struggled with various things.

Is there any chance (and I know some MNers moan about people jumping to conclusions) that he's ND too? And maybe suspects he is but doesn't want to face it? If not then it sounds like he is embarrassed/ashamed about your dx and their possible dx which is really not on in this day and age.

Anyway as The PP has said, it's abusive behaviour whichever way you look at it. Who wouldn't want help for their kids?

Don't wait. Go to your GP now and ask for a referral for your eldest. Speak to school too. How old are your kids? Also tell your GP how your husband it reacting to you wanting to discuss this with him.

My DS was diagnosed with ADHD 18 months ago. Got his ASC dx this summer. I still feel bad for not realising earlier and getting frustrated with him about loads of stuff.

@adhdpunchbag No, I don't think he's ND. He's just an asshole. He's frustrated that I don't pull my weight and as he says he's always having to save me and says I've never had to endure hardship in my life because he's always bailed me out and now he regrets it.

He doesn't really believe in ADHD 🤦🏼‍♀️ He says I'd be ruining the children's lives by putting them through a diagnosis and that they would never forgive me for it. My son did have some trouble at school when he was younger but he had a private person observe him and asses him for a day and they basically said he was just very smart, but immature. The school would move his desk to the front of the class and put a little barrier up for him to block out distractions. I think he's learned to cope well in school because I did go behind my husbands back before school ended and asked the teacher who worried with him when he was younger (the equivalent of a senco person in his school) to let me know if she thought he had ADHD. She came back a few weeks later and said she casually asked his teachers and observed him and said he's fine. But at home he just goes wild. He can't sit through a movie or dinner. He's flopping and rolling on the floor, doing flips on the sofa, constantly making noises, he's obsessed with certain things and constantly watches them, reads them, sings them or makes the same noises. I feel like my son has learned how to mask his behaviour at school, but at home he can't control himself. I don't really know what to do now since the school have said he's got no issues. I just feel there's something off.

Last night after my husband yelled at me for 20 mins because I said I wanted to get my son help, I stopped talking to him and just went upstairs. After he yells at me I feel like utter shit and feel a lump in my throat and physically I'll and like I shouldn't be living anymore. I went back downstairs for a bit because my son was there and then my husband asked me to proof read an email for his business. I refused. I felt really guilty because I know it's for the business that supports our family, but I stood up for myself and told him he can't talk to me that way. I asked him to apologise and he said "well it goes both ways. You need to apologise to me" so I said "for what? I didn’t do anything." To which he said “what” and then gestured to my son and said “you weren’t trying to cause problems for him?" 🤦🏼‍♀️😔

I just left and went upstairs to bed after that.

Being immature is a red flag for ADHD. Everything you have described points that way.

Have a look through the articles and webinars on ADDitude.com. Really good resource.

Your husband sounds like he really is being very unpleasant. We only ever want the best for our kids.

My husband sometimes gets exasperated with me but never goes into huge rants.

I was going to say that maybe he is fatigued and at the end of his tether with having to provide support. It is very tiring supporting a ND person and my husband does sometimes say he is at the limit of what he can cope with. But that's absolutely no excuse for being an arsehole.

Hey I understand this situation ..how it going? I'm ND..ADHD and partner has ASD.