Sorry, this is long and jumbled.
I am 49 and feel like my mind is always a messed up jumble of stuff and I am trying to work out why.
I have had issues since I was a small child. Lots of anxieties, OCD’s, strange thoughts and behaviours. My parents did nothing to help me, just put it all down to me being quirky and my behaviours as me just being me. In many ways I don’t blame them, it’s was the 70’s/early 80’s, very few people acknowledged mental health issues back then especially those in a child.
I could never rest easily, always wound up, always kind of wired/anxious/serious natured. I was given Phenergan at night as I could not sleep - my brain would not (and still doesn’t) switch off and I had huge existential fears which would pop up at night time, scaring the heck out of me and questioning everything, even at that young age!. I was a super sensitive child and any ‘stories’ told by friends etc I would take as gospel. I had a huge fear of cutting my wrists, even grazing them as a friend said you would die if you cut your wrists, that gave me a huge phobia about anyone touching my wrists. When I was about 7, my grandparents let me watch a drama about a man trying to bump his wife off by injecting poison into her box of chocolates. I developed a fear that all my food was poisoned too, I would cut off the ‘poisoned’ pieces and hide them under my plate, mum said there would be a ring of little pieces of food when she lifted the plate up. This lead on to me believing my saliva was poisoned too, so I would spit on the floor (even in the house!) and the cuffs of my clothes would be soaked to the elbow where I would spit into my clothes to rid my mouth of the poison! This has lead me to have a very poor relationship with food and even now I worry about contamination etc.
I would find ways to comfort myself to ease the anxiousness, as a very young child I would sit on my teddy bears head and rock back n forth (I still have my bear and his very flat head!), I used to, and still do fiddle a lot with my hair, to the point I have actually broken lots off. I fidget with my fingers, shake my feet etc when anxious or waiting for something. These things calm me and help me zone out.
I have never been able to concentrate well and was crap at school and even though I would say I am of an average/good level of intelligent I have never succeeded well in education or work as I simply can not concentrate for long and grow very bored, very quickly. I have had several jobs and after a while will grow so bored then make silly mistakes and leave as I worry I’ve started to slip and will be dismissed due to my carelessness. As a result I’ve never earned a decent salary, never had a fulfilling job/career and so lack money and then fall into a depression.
I get depressed very easily.
I am lucky that I have had a loving partner (now dh) since I was 17. He puts up with my messiness, air-headed ways and anxiety/depression but it can not be easy for him. I feel I’ve failed him as a partner.
I have 2 dc (14 and 16), they have their own issues too. Ds has had lots of anxiety and school refusal from the age of 8. I did not want him suffering like I have so got him counselling asap, but it’s been tough with zero help from his school (or dh as he just does not understand poor mental health issues). DS is now on an apprenticeship so I keep my fingers crossed he enjoys it and has a good life.
DD can not concentrate at school, she is slipping and again the school are not helpful. I have taken her to the GP and with a statement from her English teacher (who is very helpful), DD is on the waiting list for an ADHD assessment (I don’t know if she is neuro diverse or not, she shows traits but I will at least try to get help for her, again, I don’t want her to struggle like I feel I have).
I just don’t know if my issues are anxiety, depression or something like inattentive ADHD?
I can not afford a private assessment and feel no one (especially my GP) would take me seriously at 49. So many are talking about it online these days that I worry it would look like I am jumping on a band wagon however, I do seem to score highly on the online questionnaires. I can’t concentrate, I live in a mess (this really gets on dh nerves as he is very tidy), I do see the mess, the books and crap stacked up (which sits there for days/weeks/months but just can’t bring myself to deal with it - is that not just depression?
I am crap with money and time management, always have been. I would spend money I don’t have if I let myself but Ive been in debt due to be reckless spending and it causes me so much anguish and depression I had to quit it. With time, I can have an appointment at say 2.30, look at the clock at 2pm and say to myself ‘oh just in quick look at FB/MN/IG etc then I end up late. I am always rushing around yet have loads of time on my hands.
I get overwhelmed with outside stimulus - shopping centres, busy pubs/clubs, parties, weddings and other venues/activities stress me out big time. A day out in a large city will leave me exhausted - is this not just anxiety?
I can become obsessed about things, especially my health - I have awful IBS which is a daily obsession - is this not just OCD?
I just don’t know where to go/who to turn to.
I do know though that I have had enough of feeling/thinking/acting the way I do and yet I have been so proactive in seeking help but it’s all been fairly fruitless. I’ve have had years of counselling, CBT (endless times), hypnotherapy, relaxation et . I’ve recently seen a psychologist and had EMDR but nothing has really helped.
Where do I go from here? What do I do?
I feel so lost, so messed up in the head and still at nearly 50, still no understanding or grasp on why my brain functions the way it does.
Does/has anyone been here/understand? Do I just except this is me? Except that my mind/brain is kind of against me?